Peak Performance Comic Strips - Page 11
160 Results for Peak Performance
View 101 - 110 results for peak performance comic strips. Discover the best "Peak Performance" comics from Dilbert.com.
Share October 17, 1997's comic on:
Dogbert works at a computer. Behind him, Dilbert says, "Is it hard to write an earnings report after you steal the investor's money?" Dogbert says, "Nah." Dogbert says, "I'll compare my performance to the S&P 500 under a common set of assumptions." Dilbert walks away and says, "Oh." A woman says to her husband, "How did our Dogbert fund do?" The husband looks at the earnings statement and says, "Ten percent better than the S&P 500 if it were also managed by an unscrupulous dog."
Share September 22, 1998's comic on:
Caption: Catbert: H.R. Director Catbert stands on the top of a chair talking to the boss. Catbert says, "You can improve an employee's performance by making him feel bad about himself." The Boss says, "So, although that wouldn't work on me, it works fine on other people?" Catbert says, "Exactly." The boss stands behind Dilbert and reads from a piece of paper. The Boss says, "I'll read your faults one at a time. Tell me when your performance improves."
Share March 06, 1994's comic on:
- How to reorganize for success Put All your deadbeats and whiners in one sub group. Deadbeats: we don't want to be a subgroup. -Give them a project that duplicates work being done by more competent people elsewhere in the company.- Soon, the manager of the competent people will find out you're duplicating his work. Man: You're on my turf Dogbert: Boo hoo - He'll make a play to get your project under his control.- Man: They should be transferred to my control. - Before you transfer the deadbeats. Give them high performance reviews to conceal your treachery Deadbeat: Godlike ? wow! Dogbert: I'll miss you. - In time, the manager who took your losers will fail, this decreasing competition for promotions. AAIIII!! Dogbert: Next week I'll discuss teamwork - the managers obstacle to success.
Share March 27, 1994's comic on:
Dilbert: Im getting performance anxiety at the automated teller machine. I feel the impatient glare of the stranger behind me. I try to prove competent by speeding through the menus. Good Lord, I hit the mandarin chinese language option. Oh no! I think I transferred my life savings to the "United way" Great...now his truck eyeballs are stuck to the back of my neck. This is exactly why I hate going to the automated teller. Dogbert: I think a little "visine" would make him slide right off. Dilbert: There was a time I could afford that...
Share October 15, 1995's comic on:
Tags #Dogbert, #long range planner, #impossible evaluation, #flex-time, #supposed to work, #internet connection n, #telecommute, #not pollute, #give a hoot, #losers, #demanded relocation, #no budget, #poodle graohics, #big raise
Dogbert sits across from the Boss's desk. The Boss asks, "Why do you want to be our new 'Long Range Planner,' Mister Dogbert?" Dogbert replies, "Because 'long range' is very far away . . ." Dogbert continues, ". . . Therefore it will be impossible to evaluate my performance." Dogbert continues, "If it's not too much to ask, I'd like to be on flex-time so you'll never know if I'm supposed to be at work." Dogbert continues, "I'll need an Internet connection at home so I can telecommute and not pollute. Because I give a hoot." Dogbert continues, "Also, I'd like to be in a group with lots of losers. That way I'll get the biggest riase when we're ranked." The Boss says, "You're hired. All of the other applicants demanded relocation expenses and I have no budget for that." Dogbert stands at a desk. Dilbert asks, "Why do I have to work while you just look for poodle graphics on the Internet?" Dogbert says, "Don't work too hard; I'd like a big raise."
Share October 13, 1996's comic on:
Tags #meets expectations, #review, #two percent raise, #eighty hour week, #three patents, #make millions, #donated bone marrow, #attendece problem, #cheated on money, #alice, #take advantage, #cheap, #scammed
The Boss sits at his desk and says, "Alice, your performance this year is 'meets expectations.' You get a two percent raise." Alice looks shocked and says, "MEETS EXPECTATIONS?! I worked eighty hours every week!" The Boss replies, "Yeah . . . Well, I expected that." Alice yells, "I earned three patents this year! The company will make millions!!" The Boss says, "Really? Wow. I mean . . . I expected that too." Alice clenches her teeth and shouts, "I donated bone marrow to our biggest customer!!! Twice!!!" The Boss replies, "I noted that under 'attendance problem.'" Alice, Dilbert and Wally sit at a table eating lunch. Alice leans on the table and covers her face. Dilbert tells her, "I told you the bone marrow thing would haunt you." Wally says, "I'm starting to think the time I worked through lunch was for nothing."
Share January 09, 1999's comic on:
Alice sits in the boss' office. The boss says, "Alice, your performance exceeded all expectations this year." The boss says, "But I'm not giving you a top rating because I want you to have something to shoot for." The boss says, "It's always good to have something to shoot for." Alice walks away. Alice says, "Stay here while I get my harpoon."
Share July 10, 1999's comic on:
The boss and Dilbert are in a meeting. The boss says, "Meet with our vendor and come up with a plan. I'll do the same with their executives." Dilbert says, "Can you see any reason why MY meeting might be a complete waste of time?" The boss says, "Sure, lots of them, but I'm planning to spring those on you during your performance review."
Share July 27, 1999's comic on:
Wally sits in the boss' office. The boss says, "Wally. your performance is slipping again." The boss says, "That calls for my most severe disciplinary action." The boss begins to eat a sandwich. Wally looks horribly shocked, his hair stand on end. Wally shakes. Asok says, "He made you watch him eat?" Dilber raises his fist and says, "Monster!"
Share November 09, 1999's comic on:
Dilbert and Wally are sitting at a table with notes and coffee in front of them and sitting opposite them is the boss. Wally says, "...And since our bonuses depend on things we can't control..." Wally continues, "...Can mine be based on the performance of some other company?" Dilbert and Wally are walking off and Wally says to Dilbert, "You ask one question and sussenly you're not a team player."