Market Driven Comic Strips - Page 11
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Boss: Our stock is down 49% and we have no innovative products in the pipeline. CEO: Slash the R&D budget, fire 9,000 employees, and buy a sexy start-up company that we can run into the ground. Boss: We did all of that last year. CEO: Did I already tell the employees to work smarter? Boss: Yes. They thought you were being ironic.
Boss: From now on, I'm going to rely on my intuition instead of market research. Dilbert: If guessing can bring your success rate up to 50% for binary choices, I'm all for it. Hey, look! I found a tiny manager made of copper in my pocket!
CEO: I did some insider trading and totally got away with it. It felt great! It was a victimless crime so I feel no guilt whatsoever. Dogbert: Do you know what victimless means? CEO: Yes. It's like the time I strangled my gardener for overwatering the rose bushes. Dogbert: I see the problem.
Job interview Interviewee: But enough about me. How can I help you achieve your career goals? Boss: You could work 80 hours a week for below-market compensation. Interviewee: I did not see that coming. Boss: Good. I need employees who can't see it coming. You're hired.
Boss: Execution is a game of inches! You miss 100% of the shots you don't take! Innovation is everyone's full-time job! Be the dog, not the tail! Excellence is the only market that isn't crowded! Why don't any of you look inspired by my leadership? Wally: I died on the inside years ago. Now I'm just a fleshy container full of coffee and resentment. This guy was born without a soul. The she-devil at the end is the chemical formula for hatred. Catbert: Did you get through to them? Boss: I drilled until I hit bile.
Dogbert: The best way to evaluate an investment fund is to look at its misleading claims of past performance. The Dogbert Hedge Fund beat the market average for a three-week period... that one time. Boss: Can you do that again? Dogbert: It depends on what you mean by "that." ----
Boss: What's taking you so long on the project? Dilbert: The application is unstable because the data model is driven by an overly complex relational database and there was no integration testing. Boss: Does any of that mean the same thing as "lazy?"
CEO: The board has voted to do a stock split. It came down to a choice between creating fantastic products or attracting dumber stockholders. One of those two things is easy.
Financial Advisor. Advisor: Convertible notes... preferred stock... municipal bonds... covered call options. These are things you can never hope to understand. So trust me and try to forget that my only career ambition is to drain your account like a giant mosquito. Boss: That sounds reasonable. Advisor: I'm always surprised at how easy this is.