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Alice is sitting at a table with her lap top computer and is writing something. Dan pulls up a chair and says, "Hi. I'm Dan, the Illogical Scientist." Alice covers what she is writing. Dan says, "That idea won't work. I know because I've read many reports about ideas that didn't work." Alice says, "You haven't even looked at my idea." Dan says, "Oh, I get it; you're one of those religious nuts."
At a staff me Boss meets with Dilbert and Wally. The Boss says, "My new policy is to discriminate against single people. It's totally legal!" The Boss holds up a piece of paper and says, "Write your marital status on this list so I know who has no reason to go home at night." They all leave the meetin and the Boss looks at the list. He says, "Dang! What are the odds you'd all be polygamists?"
Tina the tech writer says, "I just read that the average woman is paid 75 cents for every dollar that men make. It's an outrage!" Alice sits at her computer and grimaces. Alice says, "I'm the highest paid engineer in the company." Tina looks comfused and says, "That's impossible. The article says, 'Average women' earn less." Alice says, "Suddenly, the problem comes into focus."
Tags #mordac, #preventer of information services, #guidlines for passwords, #six characters, #include numbers and letters, #upper and lower case, #change once a month, #touture employees, #write nothing down
Man comes up to Dilbert and introduces himself, "I am Mordac, the preventer of information services. I bring new guidelines for passwords." Dilbert reads the guidelines, "'All passwords must be at least six characters long.. include numbers and letters.. include a mix of upper and lower case..'" Dilbert continues to read, "'Use different passwords for each system change once a month, do not write anything down.'" Mordac yells, "Squeal like a pig!!"
Ed lies in the therapy bed and tells Dogbert, " I criticize my co-workers to make myself look smart." Dogbert says, "Apparently it isn't working." Ed asks, "What do you mean by that?" Dogbert replies, "Nothing. Oooh. That reminds me to add nuts to my grocery list." Dogbert says, "I recommend that we have weekly sessions until you run out of money." Ed asks, "Can you cure me?" Dogbert replies, "No, I'm paid by the hour. I'll give you problems you've never even heard of." Dogbert says, "We have a few minutes today. Would you like a false memory?" Ed replies, "Maybe something with aliens?"
The Boss introduces Matt to Dilbert. The Boss says, "Dilbert, this is our newest employee, Matt." In a private fashion, The Boss says, "Would you mind ..." Dilbert finishes his sentence, "Crushing his spirit?" The Boss confirms, "Right." Dilbert shows Matt his cubicle. Dilbert says to Matt, "This little box will be your home for sixty hours a week." Dilbert and Matt enter the cubicle. Dilbert points to a binder and says, "It comes with an obsolete computer and a binder about safety hazards." Dilbert continues, "Your challenge is to look busy until someone gives you a meaningful assignment." Matt inquires, "How long will that take?" As Dilbert exits the cubicle, he comments, "I'm still waiting for mine." Matt proceeds to read the binder in front of his computer. "Safety tip 1: Don't sit near any obsolete computers."
Alice, Dilbert and Ted sit at a conference table. Ted says, "Alice, thank you for your twelve-page response to my e-mail last week." Alice smiles. Ted says, "But I was only sending it to you as an "FYI". Those decisions are already made." Alice's eyes widen. Alice grimaces, hands clench into fists of death. Ted says, "If I read your reaction right, you're wondering why I didn't say FYI on my e-mail."
Alice stands in front of Catbert. Alice says, "If I work too hard, I get stressed out. But if I don't work hard, I get bored." Catbert says, "I recommend submerging your head in icy water twice a day." Alice says, "Wouldn't that hurt?" Catbert says, "Is there no end to your list of complaints?"
Dilbert sits on the couch reading a book. Dogbert sits facing Dilbert. Dogbert says, "I'm finding it a burden to remember your name." Dogbert says, "From now on, I'll refer to you as either "buddy" or "big guy".' Dilbert says, "How about if I get a name tag? Then you could just read it." Dogbert says, "Do I look like I have that kind of time?"
Caption: Catbert: H.R. Director Catbert stands on the top of a chair talking to the boss. Catbert says, "You can improve an employee's performance by making him feel bad about himself." The Boss says, "So, although that wouldn't work on me, it works fine on other people?" Catbert says, "Exactly." The boss stands behind Dilbert and reads from a piece of paper. The Boss says, "I'll read your faults one at a time. Tell me when your performance improves."