Things Are Fine Comic Strips - Page 11
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Dogbert says to Dilbert, "I've asked Bob the Dinosaur to cal your CEO and give him a telewedgie." Bob holds a cordless phone. Dilbert asks, "Will that stop him from moving the company?" Over the phone, Bob says, "... now hold the phone behind you at belt level..." Dogbert says, "Stranger things have happened, albeit not often." Bob yanks the CEO's underwear through the phone, giving him a wedgie. On the other end, the CEO screams.
A consultant is giving a presentation using an overhead projector. He holds a transparency and says, "We have the results of the employee communications survey." The projection shows a skull and cross bones and says Negative News. He says, "The number one problem is "Fear of Giving Negative News to Managers." The Boss sits next to Dilbert and says, "What?! Why haven't I heard this before?" The consultant says, "Well, maybe because it's negative news?" The Boss says, "Do you have a solution or did you just come to insult me?" Dilbert and Wally both think, "Don't get involved." The consultant says, "Ooh. Um... maybe if we wait a few days it will take care of itself." The Boss says, "Fine. Next." The consultant smiles nervously and says, "Happily, there are no other communication problems whatsoever. Heh, heh." The Boss turns to Dilbert and says,"I wonder why so many problems go away on their own." Dilbert says, "I have no comment at this time."
Dogbert says to Dawn, Bob and Rex, "There's not enough room for all of you dinosaurs. One of you must be downsized." Bob says, "If it helps, these spikey things are a safety hazard. And little Rex ate your ficus tree." Dogbert says, "Thanks for being professional about this, Bob." Bob holds up Little Rex and says, "When you put him in good light, how cute is he really?"
The Boss, Wally and Dilbert sit at a conference table. Wally says, "I didn't use my brain this week." Wally says, "I listened to things I already knew; I waited for people who were late; I was a passenger in my car pool." The Boss says, "Let's start the staff meeting." Wally pumps his fist in the air and says, "Yes!! Keeping the streak alive!"
The Boss says to Alice, "Alice, I've noticed a distrubing pattern. Your solutions to problems are always the things you try last." Alice says, "With all due respect, are you using your skull to store old rags or what?" The Boss says to Alice as she leaves her office, "It's a good thing you said, 'With all due respect.'" Alice rols her eyes.
The instructor says, "You will often be asked to comment on things you don't understand." The instructor draws a large question mark on a tablet with a marker. The instructor says, "These handouts contain nonsense phrases that can be used in any situation. The Boss and the other pointy-haired managers take the papers. In a meeting with Wally and Dilbert, the Boss says, "...So, let's dominate our industry... with quality implementation of methodologies." Wally says, "I'll get right on it."
The Boss is on stage behind a podium and speaks to the crowd. "The theme of this engineering conference is..." Dilbert, Wally, and Alice sit in the front row. The Boss continues, "Employees are our most valuable asset." He says, "And lik emost assets, you decline in value over time." He says, "I know what you're thinking: Not all assets decline in value." He says, "For example, fine art is worth more every year." The Boss points to an image of Wally and says, "But I don't think the Louvre will be asking for one of these anytime soon." The Boss introduces Catbert and says, "On your way our, Mister Catbert will give each one of you a certificate of depreciation." Wally says, "It's still better than last year's theme, "Have you earned your air today?" Catbert hands Dilbert his award.
Asok goes to the Analogy Police. A sign on the door reads, "Open." Phil, ruler of Heck, sits behind a desk. Asok says, "My boss said I was as important as a mink is to a mink coat." Phil says, "That sounds fine to me." Asok says, "But the Mink dies." Phil says, "I guess you won't be leaving a full fifteen precent tip."
Dilbert is sitting at his computer. Behind him a guy with glasses and a mustache says, "Hi. I'm Dan the Illogical Scientist." Dan says, "I'm much smarter than you because scientists have invented many things." Dilbert says, "But those are other scientists, not you." Dan says, "Apparently you don't understand science."
Dilbert is sitting at his computer. Ratbert says, "So, I'm thinking: what if every photon is just a densely packed universe, and to them, our universe looks like a photon?" Ratbert says, "If I'm right, I might be the first rat to win a Nobel prize." Ratbert says, "Stranger things have happened." Dilbert turns and says, "Name one."