Someone Steal Your Fortune Comic Strips - Page 11
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View 101 - 110 results for someone steal your fortune comic strips. Discover the best "Someone Steal Your Fortune" comics from Dilbert.com.
Share February 03, 2013's comic on:
Boss: You remind me of another young person I hired years ago. She was full of hope and optimism and she wore a permanent smile. Her name was Alice. As time passed, she devolved into an angry, hateful creature. No one knows what caused it. Interviewee: How long did it take? Boss: About a week. Interviewee: Apparently, you're a monster who creates a toxic workplace and you lack the self-awareness to realize it! Boss: Someone broke your record. Alice: Shut up.
Share January 15, 2013's comic on:
Boss: When I asked you to manage my Twitter account I assumed you knew I was expecting inspirational tweets. So far, all you've tweeted under my name are racist rants, misspelled jokes, and links to terrorist websites. Carol: To be fair, every one of those tweets was inspirational to someone.
Share December 09, 2012's comic on:
Boss: We can make this a great place to work by following the golden rule. Treat others as you would want them to treat you. Dilbert: That's dumb. Boss: It's not dumb! Dilbert: Let's test your rule. Would you like it if someone gave you a hundred dollars? Boss: Yes. Dilbert: Okay. So give me a hundred dollars. Or else forever live as a hypocrite who doesn't follow his own rule. Wally: Snork! Alice: Snork! Boss: I hate your engineering guts!!! Dilbert: At least you're making sense now.
Share October 20, 2012's comic on:
Tags #business failures/bankruptcies, #executives, #wages, #long tern survival, #innovate ways, #cannibalize, #current prodcuts, #lose a fortune, #ceo's compensation, #revenue dips, #hovel, #some ideas, #money
Dilbert: Our only hope for long-term survival is to innovate in ways that cannibalize our current products. The downside is that you'll lose a fortune in CEO compensation when our revenue dips in the short run. CEO: Thanks. I'll stop by your hovel later with some ideas for ruining your life, too.
Share August 16, 2012's comic on:
CEO: Google has offered to buy our company for $100 million just to get our engineers. I agreed to the deal because I'm a modern day slave trader who believes engineers are property and the rest of you have no economic value. Who wrote my speech? Employee: Someone with no economic value.
Share July 04, 2012's comic on:
Boss: Wally, I can't give you a raise because you accomplished nothing this year. Wally: That's okay because I make a fortune investing in penny stocks. Do you want some hot stock tips? Dilbert: Did you get a raise. Wally: No, but I narrowed the gap between his income and mine.
Share June 10, 2012's comic on:
Dilbert: I need to get this technology certification. Boss: Whoa! No way. If I pay for your training, you'll use your certification to get a better job. At the moment, you're in what we managers call the goldilocks zone. You're not hot enough to get a better job, and you're not yet incompetent at the one you have. When your skills expire, in the next year or two, I'll replace you with someone younger. Dilbert: You're a monster! I'll pay for my own training and leave you to marinate in your own stench! CEO: How did you keep your training expenses so low? Boss: I marinated in my own stench.
Share May 17, 2012's comic on:
CEO: Someone told me your presentation was confusing and unpersuasive. Dilbert: Sometimes one person's inability to understand looks like another person's inability to explain. CEO: I don't understand what you just said. Dilbert: See?
Share May 06, 2012's comic on:
Tags #booth, #brochure, #exhibitions, #exhibitor expenses, #expenses, #huge crowds, #last 11 years, #logo sign, #new customers, #popular booth, #spillover, #steal chair, #trade show, #video of incident, #youtube
Boss: How did we do at the trade show? Dilbert: We had a huge crowd around our booth the entire time. But it was just the spillover from the popular booth next to us. The only person who asked for our brochure used it to kill a spider. Some guy tried to steal our extra chair and then Alice beat him senseless with our logo sign. A video of the incident is already on YouTube. It cost us $200,000 to be an exhibitor and we gained zero new customers. So it was just like the last eleven years. Boss: I feel good about next year!
Share April 23, 2012's comic on:
Coworker: Please tell me our apps don't steal contact information from our users' address books. Boss: We upload the data but we don't store it. Coworker: That's like saying I can date your wife if I put a bag over her head. Boss: That could work. Coworker: I don't think I'm getting through to you.