Wish Hard Comic Strips - Page 11
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Boss: Great leaders set high standards and stay out of the way. So... I want you to build a fusion-powered robot that can run faster than the speed of light! While you're doing that, I'll be staying out of your way. You won't see or hear from me. I won't even respond to email. Dilbert: Is there a budget for this impossible project? Boss: Sheesh! Look who needs to be micromanaged! Now I can't go hide. You've ruined my leadership! Boss: It's hard to be a great leader when all of my followers are so needy.
Boss: Studies say willpower is finite. If you use it for one thing, you have less for another. So if it feels hard to work long hours, without any reward, try eating cake for lunch. Wally: How'd your coaching session go? Dilbert: For once, it wasn't all bad.
Boss: According to studies, employees will work harder if they think their managers care about them. But that's hard for me because you're basically a sausage casing full of coffee and rotting organs. Dilbert: That must have stung. Wally: Less than you'd think.
Boss: I'd like to recognize Ted for writing his part of the code in just two days. Dilbert: How many days was it supposed to take? Boss: At least a week, I would think. Dilbert: Why would you think that? Boss: Because it was so hard to do. Dilbert: Who told you it was hard? Boss: Ted did. Dilbert: All he did was delete some lines from existing code and recompile it. Ted: It was hard. Boss: See! Wally: Do you have any more crazy conspiracy theories?
Boss: I'd like you to meet the two trolls who create our annual budget. Dilbert: Why do we need two of them? Troll: Because it's hard to reach into your own... Boss: Whoa! It's better to keep some mystery.
CEO: Build a hyperloop to connect every major city in the world with super-fast transportation. The vision was the hard part. You idiots can work on the details. Someone pat me on the back. I can't reach it with my T-rex arms.
CEO: Here's the hotshot that everyone says will someday take my job. I'm going to mentor you so hard your intestines will end up in your skull. Wally: I just figured out why people use the stairs.
Catbert: You're the first employee in company history to fail the online ethics course. Wally: I protest the grading system! Ethics are subjective. There are no right answers! Catbert: You said you would kill a coworker if you knew you wouldn't get caught. Wally: It was hard to know what answer they were looking for.
Boss: I'm looking for an employee who is creative. Interviewee: That's me. I have ADHD and dylsexia. I'm also bipolar and schizophrenic. Dilbert: Checking the Internet... Well... that's surprising. Each of his conditions is highly correlated with creativity. Interviewee: Are you a normal? Boss: I... think so. Interviewee: Wow. I feel sorry for you. It must be hard going through life without any creativity. Boss: What's happening here? Dilbert: It might be some sort of creative thing.
Boss: Your bonuses this year will be based on the usual formula. 50% is based on pure luck. And 50% is based on the performance of people you have never met. This year, the luck factor was good. Our industry experienced huge consumer demand. Unfortunately, people who you have never met did a bad job of marketing and sales are terrible. And for that, you engineers must be punished. No bonuses for you. Luckily for me, my bonus is based on how well I can convince you idiots to work hard while getting no bonuses. I don't like to brag, but I'm fairly sure I'm nailing it.