Write Messages Comic Strips - Page 11
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Dilbert: "You eliminated the budget for automated test software. How are we going to test our new code?" The Boss: "Go write some automated test software, you big baby. I already pay you, so it's free." Dilbert: "Today I learned I can end any conversation by calling the other person a big baby." Dogbert: "Waa-waa! Do you want your bottle?"
Tags #unqualified, #position, #job, #higher salray, #negotiate riase, #irrational dipwad, #easily manipulated, #bogus compariosns, #illusion of scaricity, #can't have you, #desparate to hire, #rationalizations, #total lack of qaulifications, #write the offer, #business
"No offense, but you're totally unqualified for this position." Wally: "That's okay. I already have a job." "I just need a job offer at a higher salary so I can use it to negotiate for a raise." Wally: "My boss is an irrational dipwad who is easily manipulated by bogus comparisons and the illusion of scarcity." Wally: "Your offer will make him think my value is much higher than it actually is." "Great. Now that I know I can't have you, I desperately want to hire you." "My mind is already forming rationalizations for your total lack of qualifications!" "How do you turn this off?!!" Wally: "I'll tell you after you write the offer."
"Why don't you answer my e-mails? Do I need to complain to your boss?" "Your messages have too many topics and no paragraph breaks. They are a violation of all that is good and right about e-mail." snork "'Blah, blah, blah, Dilbert is rude...' Geez, I can't even read this mess." click delete
Tina the tech writer "I'm starting my own blog!" "Dear god, no!" "Every day I will record my personal thoughts about our business." "I need you to write the first one by noon. I can't wait to see what I'm thinking."
"Every company needs goals." GOALS "We have division goals, department goals, district goals, personal goals and affiliate goals." "You will all attend a four-hour training session on how to write goals." "Every week you will report on how you are doing compared to your goals." "Those reports will be entered into a giant database." "Won't the size and complexity of the database make it impossible to know what's really happening?" "Yes. That's why your raises will be based on what you look like." "Bummer for you."
Tina: I hope you don't expect me to write a favorable article about your company just because you bought me drinks. Dogbert: No, I expect you to publish my press release and act like you wrote it. Tina: You can work or you can get drunk , but the pay is exactly the same.
"Get the user data from Ed." "That's impossible." "Ed is an unreachable. He doesn't answer his phone or return messages. He's never in his cubicle and he doesn't read e-mail." "Does he use the restroom?" "No, we think he modified his briefcase."
"This week I tried to work, but pop-up messages kept telling me to update my computer's software." "I tried closing the pop-up windows, but they just kept coming back. There were too many of them!" "Did you upgrade your software?" "Great. I see whose side you're on."
"I want you to write a business case for lobbying our government to attack Elbonia." "In the risk analysis section, do you want me to assume that hell is real or imaginary?" "Real. But remember to discount the infinite future flows of agony to the present so it doesn't look so bad."
Career Counselor Woman: And why did you leave your last job? Dilbert: My dog was tired of hearing me whine about my job, so he became a billionaire and bought my company and fired me. Woman: I don't have a checkbox for that so I'll just write in "loser".