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Dilbert is scuba diving under the ocean. He photographs a whale and a squid. Dilbert thinks, "Wow! These pictures will prove that whales try to communicate with squids!" Back at home, Dilbert says, "Dogbert, guess who I saw talking to a squid." Dogbert asks, "Who?" Dilbert replies, "I have prints of whales." Dogbert thinks, "The Prince of Wales?" Dilbert says, "It's too bad I'm so modest. This discovery could make me famous." Dogbert thinks, "The public must be told." Dilbert sits in his chair and Dogbert sits on the hassock. A television newscaster says, ". . . And in the news, a local man has witnessed Prince Charles talking to a squid." Dogbert says, "Maybe Chuck thought it was Margaret Thatcher."
Dilbert sits in his chair with Dogbert sitting on his legs. Dogbert says, ". . . Therefore, Curly must have been the smartest of all the Stooges." The telephone rings. Dilbert answers the phone and shouts, "I won WHAT?!!" Dilbert picks up Dogbert and cries, "I won the lottery! We're millionaires, Dogbert!!" Someone knocks on the door. Dilbert opens the door to a news reporter and a television camera. The reporter says, "Global News - may I interview you on your sudden wealth?" The reporter shoves a microphone in Dilbert's face and asks, "What would you like to say to the entire planet?" The caption says, "The wealth had come quickly . . ." Dilbert stammers, "Er . . . Um . . ." The caption says, "And just as quickly, it was gone." Dilbert says into the microphone, "Drinks for everybody!"
Dilbert sneezes on Dogbert. Dogbert sniffles and says, "Great. Now I've got your cold." Dogbert leaves the room and says, "I'll get some medicine from the store." Dogbert walks down the sidewalk and sneezes. A man walking by says, "Hi, Dogbert." The man sneezes. Dogbert says, "Sorry . . . Dilbert's cold." Dilbert and Dogbert sit on the chair watching television. The newscaster says, ". . . And seven nations are paralyzed by what is being called 'Dilbert's cold.'" Dilbert says, "Gosh. I think I might have that, too."
Dogbert enters the living room carrying the newspaper. He thinks, "Oh good, Dogbert isn't around. I can read the Sunday paper without having to share." Dilbert sits in his chair and thinks, "Ahhh . . . Mine are the first hands to unfold its crisp little pages. I alone determine the order of reading." Dilbert thinks, "Nobody will blurt out the punchlines before I read them." Dogbert flies through the air onto Dilbert's lap. Dogbert knocks the chair over and the paper scatters on the floor. Dogbert asks, "Were you finished with this section?"
The Boss, Dilbert, Wally and Alice sit at a conference table. The Boss says, "The company announced a new compensation plan today. Bonuses will be paid only to the top ten percent of the employees." The Boss continues, "In related news, 89% of the employees resigned in bitter disgust. The top ten percent also left, realizing they could get better jobs elsewhere." The Boss concludes, "This could have an impact on those of you who remain." Wally asks, "We get the bonuses?"
The Boss says, "Good news, Alice. I'm going to have quarterly performance reviews to boost morale." Alice stands in her cubicle and replies, "Wow! In addition to working sixteen hours a day in this big box, now I'll get 300% more criticism!" The Boss says, "I'll have a chance to hear employee concerns four times a year." Alice says, "I assume comprehension will remain on the bicentennial plan."
The Boss tells Dilbert and Wally, "In today's news, our company has decided to buy another dying company in a business we don't fully understand." The Boss continues, "Our stock rose five points on the announcement." Wally asks Dilbert, "Why does our stock go up every time we do something boneheaded?" Dilbert replies, "I like to think of it as our competitive advantage."
Catbert stands at his desk and types, "Effective immediately, the company will no longer allow time off for the death of a family member." Catbert continues, "This 'family friendly' policy will remove your incentive to extend vacations by killing relatives." Catbert continues, "And more good news: we're canceling your life insurance so your family won't try to snuff you out either."
Wally tells Dilbert, "Good news! Our business plan is in complete disarray!" Wally shouts, "Free time!! No deliverables!!! And it's not OUR fault!" Dilbert shouts, "Yippee!!" They celebrate. Dilbert asks, "Do you realize that all our joy comes from perverse sources?" Wally replies, "I didn't know there was an alternative."
Dogbert stands at a desk and types, "We can not offer you a position at this time but you are obviously qualified." Dogbert types, "Unfortunately, the other six billion people on earth are more qualified." Dogbert types, "We'll keep your resume on file." He crumples the resume into a ball and throws it over his shoulder.