No Project Code Comic Strips - Page 11
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The night shift manager brings a dog into Alice's cubicle and says to Alice, "This dog is specially trained to detect wasted resources." As the dog begins sniffing, the night manager continues, "He'll help me find out why your project is behind schedule even after adding me as manager." The dog holds an arrow with his tail and points it at the night manager. The manager says, "We'll begin as soon as he's done playing around."
The Boss, Alice, Wally and Dilbert sit at a conference table. Wally says, "This week I kicked off the 'Wally Compensation Equilibrium Project.'" Wally continues, "My goal is to lower the quality of my work until it is consistent with my salary." The Boss thinks, "I hate the first month after they see their raises." Wally says, "I'd go on, but I just achieved equilibrium."
The garbage man says to Dilbert, "I couldn't help noticing the bugs in the program on this old diskette you threw away." The garbage man continues, "I fixed the bugs and tightened the code from twelve thousand lines to sixteen." Dilbert says, "It took me three months to write that program." The garbage man says, "I took the liberty of updating your resume. I'm guessing you'll need it soon."
Alice stands in front of the Boss's desk and says, "I admit I was skeptical when you said I would be empowered to make my own decisions . . ." Alice continues, "But I give you credit. You've let me work independently for three months . . . What's that look on your face?" Alice says, "Please tell me that it was empowerment I was experiencing." The Boss asks, "Did I ever mention that your project was canceled?"
Dogbert stands on a stage and says to an audience, "Vote for me and I will reform the tax code so that only idiots have to pay taxes!" The crowd cheers and chants Dogbert's name. Dilbert sits on the couch and Dogbert sits on the armrest. Dogbert says, "I hope nobody asks me to define 'idiots.'" Dilbert says, ". . . So, under your plan I wouldn't pay ANY taxes, right?"
Asok stands behind Wally's desk and says, "I am only a lowly intern, but I see an obvious solution to your problem." Asok says, "Just click here . . . Clear your buffers and initialize the link . . . Now use this code patch for the memory leak." Asok says, "This is funny if you consider that your salary is twice as much as mine." Wally replies, "I'm laughing on the inside."
Dogbert and Ratbert stand on a desk chair in front of a computer. Dogbert says, "Ratbert, your job is to review eighty million lines of computer code in the company's systems." Dogbert explains, "You're looking for any reference to the current year. Those pieces of code will be a problem when the year is 2000." Six months later, Ratbert and Dogbert sit at a conference table. Ratbert says, "I'm happy to report that the date did not show up once. In fact, it was all just zeros and ones!" Dogbert thinks, "Oops."
Alice says to Catbert, "I need to hire a programmer for my project team." Catbert says, "Our policy is to first seek candidates from within the company. If none is qualified, you must use a sock puppet." Alice asks, "How many of your policies are designed for the sole purpose of satisfying your sadistic tendencies?" Catbert replies, "All of them. Some are just more obvious."
Dilbert stands in front of an overhead projector discussing "Strategic Alliance Issues." Dilbert says, "Issue one: Our two companies have very different corporate cultures." A man with a goatee sits at the conference table working on a laptop. A woman with spiked hair sits next to him. The man says, "While you were droning I slammed out some beta code and put it on the Internet for comments." Dilbert says, "My company prefers to have that kind of decision made by uninformed executives. We call it 'empowerment.'" The man replies, "I'll mention that in the press release."
Catbert sits at his desk and says, "There are two ways to get an extra engineer for your project." Catbert continues, "You can transfer some unqualified loser from within the company . . ." Dilbert asks, "Or?" Catbert says, "Not so fast. I like to savor the moment before I crush your misplaced optimism."