Another Deadline Comic Strips - Page 12
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The Boss, Dilbert and Wally sit at a conference table. The Boss says, "We've been having a problem with black-outs. The office lights are controlled by motion detectors." A man stands next to the Boss flapping his arms. The Boss continues, "I hired a temp to walk around and flap his arms so the lights won't go off." Dilbert and Wally watch the temp flap his arms. Dilbert says, "Another Journalism major enters the workforce." Wally says, "It seems like a waste. Maybe he could fan us."
The Boss, Dilbert and another worker sit at a conference table. The worker says, "I'm happy to report that the 'Excellence in Teaming' read-out is nearly ready." The worker continues, "It's taken forty people from a dozen departments to complete the study. We finally got complete buy-in." Dilbert asks, "Is that the study of why we can't make decisions?" The worker responds, "Originally. But it evolved into more of a discussion of squirrel migration patterns."
The Boss holds a syringe. He says to Dilbert, "Drop your trousers and turn around. I need a DNA sample." Dilbert bends over looking angry. As draws Dilbert's blood, the Boss says, "We're scanning for any fatal genetic problems that could hurt productivity." Dilbert sits at his desk. The Boss enters holding the test results and says, "Uh . . . we decided to move your project deadline up a week." Dilbert's hair stands up straight.
Dilbert, Wally, Alice, the Boss and another worker sit around a conference table. The Boss says, "From now on, the managers at my level will be called 'thought leaders.'" Dilbert and Wally stare at him in amazement. Dilbert asks Wally, "What's wrong with this picture?" The Boss's thoughts are shown to be empty.
The Boss and a woman walk by Dilbert's cubicle holding folders. Leaning back in his chair to look out of the cubicle, Dilbert thinks, "Uh-Oh . . . the managers are going to another closed-door meeting." Dilbert thinks, "It must be about pay cuts or layoffs. I'm doomed. I'd better work on my resume NOW." He pulls nervously at his tie, his hair stands on end and beads of sweat fly from his forehead. The Boss sits around a conference table with three other managers. Reading from a document, he says, "Okay, so far our 'leadership vision' says 'we inspire employees to action.' Does anybody have upgrades?" Another man responds, "Nah."
Dilbert sits in his cubicle holding the phone. The voice on the phone says, "To hear your urgent voice mail message press one . . . " A voice on the phone says, "This urgent message is to all employees. Please disregard the rumors of a merger with a healthy company." Dilbert looks out of his cubicle and sees co-workers running in every direction. One man yells, "Resume!" Another cries, "Where's my interview suit??!!" Dilbert thinks, "Now spooked, the herd stampedes."
The caption says, "Bad news in 1985." Dilbert, the Boss and another man sit at a conference table. The Boss says, "We're replacing the company doctor with a registered nurse." The caption says, "Bad news in 1990." The Boss says to Dilbert and Wally, "We fired the nurse and put the aspirin and tourniquets in the vending machine." The caption says, "Bad news in 1995." The Boss holds a mallet behind his back as he says to Dilbert and Wally, "We've been asked to increase vending machine revenue by fifteen percent."
Dilbert, Wally and another man sit at a table in a restaurant. Dilbert looks at the check and says, "We could simply divide the check by three . . ." The waitress thinks, "Uh-oh. Engineers." Dilbert continues, "But that would result in an unpopular subsidy of Wally's salmon. Does anybody have a calculator-watch?" The caption says, "Hours later." The other engineer says to the waitress as she approaches the table with a pitcher, "This is the tie-breaker round of water to decide if you get 13% or 13.5%." The waitress growls, "RRRR."
Wally and Dilbert at a conference table with a vendor. Dilbert looks at a product and says, "Your company makes an attractive little product, Jim." Dilbert hands the unit back to Jim. Dilbert says, "But we've decided to go with a vendor whose product actually works." Jim stands up suddenly, causing Dilbert's tie to fly straight up. Jim screams, "Fools!!! I'll crush you!!!" Jim continues, "I'll tell your boss you made a stupid decision!! Your careers will be ruined and I'll get the contract anyway!!" Wally says, "You can't scare us! Do you think our boss will believe a vendor over his own loyal employees?" Wally and Dilbert cross their arms and think, "Must . . . keep . . . a . . . straight . . . face . . ." Wally, Dilbert and Jim erupt in laughter. Dilbert says, "We'll take a million units." Jim says, "Take two million and I'll see that you get nice raises."
Dilbert and Wally are in the copier room. Dilbert stands behind Wally thinking, "Lacking clerical support, the highly trained, highly paid professionals line up at the copier." Dilbert continues thinking, "Their amazing analytical skills are squandered in this mindless task." Wally says, "No . . . It looks like the 'toner' light doesn't turn off if you wait." Dilbert says, "Let's give it another five minutes."