Corporate Greed Comic Strips - Page 12
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Dogbert: Welcome to Dogbert's Corporate Politeness Seminar. Today you will learn how to sacrifice your productivity and your happiness for the sake of ancient traditions grounded in total nonsense.Voice: Why would we want to do that? Dogbert: Please hold your impolite questions until never.
Alice: There seems to be some confusion about what our company culture is. Boss: Our priorities are honesty, integrity, and return on investment. Alice: Which priority is the highest? Boss: Integrity won't buy me a new boat.
Alice: I hear you're a corporate spy for our Elbonian competitors. Dilbert: No, that was an unfounded rumor. Alice: That's exactly what guilty people say. Dilbert: I'm not seeing my path to success here.
Dilbert: I finished coding the software, but I used a much better database than our company standard. ed: In other words, your software is terrific, but we won't be able to use it because or our internal rules. Dilbert: The alternative was to write sub-optimal code. I'd rather be dead. Ted: I curse my lack of authority!
Alice: My chair is broken. I need a new one. Boss: You can take Ted's chair. I fired him this morning. Alice: That feels icky. Boss: It's just a chair. Alice: Ted was a creepy underperformer. I don't want his loser energy on me. Boss: That's your only option unless I fire someone else today. Alice: Okay, give me an hour to do some back-stabbing and rumor-mongering. Boss: I'll just let that situation work itself out. Alice: Nice chair. Dilbert: Why did my fight-or-flight instinct just kick in?
Barry: Hi, I'm Barry Dingle. I hang around your office door and ask you questions every time you get off the phone. Boss: I hate that. Barry: You can blame your open-door policy for all of it. Boss: This is sub-optimal.
Boss: Our consultant has studied our corporate culture and isolated the problem. Dogbert: The problem is humans. You're all selfish, rotten liars. Boss: What kind of team-building exercise will fix that? Dogbert: I'd try something involving DNA and alien technology.
Dilbert: Ive designed our new product to work flawlessly for up to ten years. CEO: No one will need an upgrade. Thats no good. Add some code to low it down and make it unreliable after two years. CEO: But make sure the device doesn't slow down until we have an upgrade to sell. Then draft an apology I can put un a press realize when we get caught. Dilbert: You have turned my engineering success into the darkest day of my career. CEO: Thats not even close to being true. Your darkest day will be when the press figures out what we did and I fore you for it.
Boss: Our new corporate owners want us to gather every morning to do the company cheer. Alice: I quit. Dilbert: I quit. Voice: I quit. Voice 2: I quit. Boss: That's not the company cheer. Dilbert: It is now.
wally: asok, he key to happiness is lowering your expectations. for example, all i expect from work today is twelve cups of coffee and a humorous display of corporate dysfunction. asok: that sounds sad. wally: try expecting excellence and see how that works for you.