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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 04, 1996's comic on:


Tags #never undertsnd, #engineer, #all day meetings, #knowledge worker, #prodcut, #acronym, #puntucal, #dilbert's mother, #engineering

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Dilbert sits on the couch and Dogbert sits on the backrest. Dilbert's mother offers him a cookie and says, "I'll never understand what you do for a living." Dilbert replies, "I told you I'm an engineer, Mom." Dilbert's mom says, "So you say, but you also say you spend all day in meetings. When do you do any engineering?" Dilbert replies, "Good point. Let's just say I'm what the experts call a 'knowledge worker.'" Dilbert's mother asks, "Which experts call it that?" Dilbert replies, "I don't know." Dilbert's mom asks, "What's the name of the product you're working on?" Dilbert responds, "I don't know what the acronym stands for . . ." Mom asks, "What kind of market penetration and return on investment do you expect?" Dilbert says, "Um . . . I don't know . . ." Dilbert's mom says, "Oh, dear . . . Well, I'm sure you're very punctual." Dilbert shouts, "Ask me another question!! C'mon . . ." Dogbert asks, "Why do they call you a 'KNOWLEDGE worker'?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 14, 1996's comic on:


Tags #such cubicle enviroment, #regular emplyees, #enjoy, #sharing cubicle, #co ops, #new co op, #lasted a day, #fit in

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The Boss walks down the hall with a new employee. The Boss says, "As a co-op employee, you can't expect the same lush cubicle environment that the regular employees enjoy." The Boss brings the man to a cubicle filled with people lying on top of each other. The Boss says, "You'll be sharing this cubicle with our other co-ops." Dilbert says to Alice, "I heard that the new co-op only lasted one day." Alice quips, "He didn't fit in."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 31, 1996's comic on:


Tags #barry, #epic mini series, #hundreds of hours, #quitters, #retrospect, #special bonus, #staring at computer

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The Boss says to Alice, Wally and Dilbert, "It's my honor to present this special bonus check to Barry." Alice turns to the man next to her and says, "That's you." The man stares straight ahead as he replies, "MY name is Barry??" The Boss says, "This is for working hundreds of hours of overtime." The Boss continues, "While you quitters were going home by 9 pm every night . . ." The Boss continues, "Barry remained at work staring at his computer for hours." Barry eats the bonus check. The Boss continues, "It's important to recognize extra effort." The Boss continues, "Sadly, that's the end of the special bonus budget for the year." Barry burps. Wally says, "In retrospect, I shouldn't have told Barry that his screen saver is an epic miniseries." Dilbert and Alice glare at him.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 07, 1996's comic on:


Tags #boss zone, #no time, #no logic, #urgent work, #relax, #work smarter, #not harder, #angel of cynicism, #inspirational moral, #freedom, #not caring, #quality of work

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The Boss says to Dilbert, "Go home, Dilbert. Relax! You're working too hard!" Dilbert sits at his desk and says, "You told me to finish this by tomorrow. You said it's urgent." The Boss waves his arms and says, "Relax! Go home! Shoo!" The caption says, "Suddenly Dilbert is sucked into the 'Boss Zone' where time and logic do not apply." Dilbert's head disappears into a hole in time. Dilbert floats by the Boss's head and asks, "How can I relax AND do urgent work at the same time?" The Boss replies, "Work smarter, not harder." Dilbert grabs his head and screams. The caption says, "Mercifully, the angel of cynicism appears." Dogbert flies up to Dilbert and says, "Slap something together in the morning. He won't look at it anyway." The caption says, "The inspirational moral . . ." Dilbert puts his coat on and leaves the office. He sings, "Freedom's just another word for not caring about the quality of your work!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 15, 1996's comic on:


Tags #eighteen hour days, #add person, #effoerts, #night shift manager, #behind schedule, #staus reprts, #rendered in 3d

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The Boss appears in the door of Alice's cubicle and says, "Alice, you've been working eighteen hours a day. I realized I must add a person to the effort." The Boss continues, "So I hired a night shift manager. After I go home at five o'clock he'll take over and ask why you're behind schedule." The night shift manager says to Alice, "I like my status reports rendered in 3-D, but don't spend a lot of time on it."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share June 13, 1996's comic on:


Tags #artificial urgency, #gibberish, #god news, #mission, #objectives uncler, #insane but happy

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The Boss, Alice, Wally and Dilbert sit at a conference table. Wally says, "Our objectives are unclear and our mission statement is gibberish . . ." Wally continues, "But thanks to an artificial sense of urgency, I'm working harder than ever!" The Boss asks, "What's the good news you said you have?" Wally answers, "Apparently I'm insane. But I'm one of the happy kinds!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share June 14, 1996's comic on:


Tags #company, #compensate, #healing begin, #insane, #working smarter, #woefully understaffed, #not working harder, #business

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Dilbert and Wally walk down the hall together. Wally says, "This company makes perfect sense, now that I'm insane." Wally continues, "For example, it might seem as though we're woefully understaffed, but I can compensate by working smarter not harder." Wally walks into Dilbert's cubicle in his underwear with a box on his head and a monitor strapped to his chest. Wally says, "Hey, if I'm capable of working smarter, then why do I work HERE?" Dilbert thinks, "The healing has begun."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 13, 1996's comic on:


Tags #evil director, #mandatory blood test, #take drugs, #stealing time, #test, #general health

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Catbert peers over the wall and says, "Wally, it's time for your mandatory blood test." Wally says, "I don't take drugs." Catbert, who is holding a syringe, replies, "I'm testing to see if you're stealing time from the company." Wally asks, "Time? How can you test for that?" Catbert replies, "We test your general health. If it's good, you're not working enough hours. You thief."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 14, 1996's comic on:


Tags #making personal calls, #stealing, #fist of death, #eighty cents, #talk to family, #bill for overtime, #being competetive, #office supplies

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Alice sits at her desk. The Boss enters and says, "According to this phone bill, you've been making personal calls." The Boss continues, "That's like stealing from the company, Alice." Alice clenches her teeth, holds her fist and thinks, "Must . . . Control . . . Fist . . . Of . . . Death . . ." Alice looks at the telephone bill and says, "I only spent eighty cents to tell my family I was working late." Alice says, "Here's a dollar. The extra twenty cents is for the personal thought that I'm about to have on company time." Alice closes her eyes and imagines the Boss tied up with rope. She pictures handing him a stick of dynamite. Alice says, "And here's my bill for $40,000 in unpaid overtime that the company stole from me." The Boss replies, "That's not stealing; that's being competitive." Alice says, "I think I'll be competitive with a few bushels of office supplies later today."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 22, 1996's comic on:


Tags #job security, #past, #vanished, #blunders of management, #motivation, #fluttered away

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Dilbert stands in front of the Boss's desk and says, "Now that job security is a thing of the past, I've noticed that my company loyalty has vanished, too." Dilbert continues, "And when you made my bonus primarily dependent on the blunders of senior management, my motivation fluttered away like a lonely sparrow." The Boss asks, "So your point is?" Dilbert says, "No point. I just didn't have any reason to be working."