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The boss says, "Our next presenter is Dilbert." Dilbert says, "I put together a slide show and video." Dilbert says, "While it's running, I'll perform a humorous rap song about the benefits of our product." Dilbert says, "Then each of you will wear a funny hat and participate in a skit." Dilbert says, "Later we'll enjoy a ventriloquist who dresses in a beaver suit and threatens to eat his dummy." Dilbert says, "We'll top it off with a trivia contest, prizes, fireworks in the atrium." Man says, "What can you do in two minutes? We need to catch a plane." Dilbert thinks, "I should have gone with the slide show." Man says, "Mmph"
Ted the Drama queen Ted says, "I can't attend the meeting Tuesday because Barry thinks I didn't return his flash drive." Ted says, "I'm afraid of him because he's a liar and a drunk, and I heard he killed a cab driver." Ted says, "I'd wear a disguise, but prosthetic adhesives give me hives." Alice thinks, "Must...control...jack...hammer." buddabuddabudda
The Boss says, "How long will it take to fix the bugs in our control management software?" Dilbert says, "Do you want a realistic estimate that will ruin your day, or a lie that will allow your ignorance and your happiness to lock arms and square dance to the next cubicle?" The Boss says, "That second option sounds festive." Dilbert says, "I'm a pleaser."
The Boss says, "What's taking you so long to fix the control management system?" Dilbert says, "Your leadership has taught me to give you laughably unrealistic timelines, then blame others when I miss deadlines." The Boss says, "You're not even doing that right." Dilbert says, "I guess I need more of your leadership."
Alice says, "I learned to control men by exaggerating the importance of my projects and overextending myself." Alice says, "Our most important customer is coming and I won't be ready on time unless you fetch me some coffee!" Alice says, "In phase two, I make you enjoy it."
The Boss says, "Your quality metric for next year is to win 30% more bid proposals." Dilbert says, "No problem. I'll use my magic powers to control how much our competitors bid." The Boss says, "I worry that you're not taking this seriously." Dilbert says, "If the muggles find out, I'll wipe their memories."
The Boss says, "Asok, you've been such a good intern that I've decided to promote you." The Boss says, "Your new status is called limbo. You will exist in a plane between the living and the damned." Asok says, "Yes!!! I will exist!" The Boss says, "Great. It went right to his head."
Dilbert: Can I work at home for two days per week? I can be twice as productive, and happier at the same time. Boss: I probably shouldn't tell you this... but you're part of an elaborate science experiment to see how much frustrations it takes to kill employees. Why else would the company make you commute for two hours a day just to sit in a tiny box? Don't feel bad: no one told me either. I had to piece it together from the evidence. Now I do my part to keep the experiment moving along. Dilbert: Other people work from home. Boss: Are you referring to the control group?
Woman: Wally, I need your data for my meeting in three days. Wally: Okay. It shouldn't take more than three or four days to pull it together. Woman: Not three or four days. I need it in three days. Wally: Okay. Three days. Not counting the weekend and the day I give it to you. Woman: That would be six days! Wally: Six or seven days. Tops. Woman: I need it in three days, not a week. Wally: That's no problem. A week or two at the most. Woman: Okay! You win! I'll reschedule my meeting for two weeks out! And you'll have the data in two weeks? Wally: Yes. Two weeks or so.
Dilbert: My brainwave reader invention can control the nearest computer with my thoughts. Boss: Why am I seeing a video of a blurry image that looks like you slapping another blurry thing that looks like me? Dilbert: I don't think it's fair to complain about the video quality of the beta version.