5 Year After Comic Strips - Page 12

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View 111 - 120 results for 5 year after comic strips. Discover the best "5 Year After" comics from Dilbert.com.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share September 03, 2013's comic on:


Tags #fear, #surprise, #underwear, #interruption, #sphicter, #scared, #shitless

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Coworker: Alice, do you have a... Alice: Gaaa!!! My day has been one interruption after another! Coworker: You made my sphincter eat my underpants! Alice: Yeah, I do that now.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share September 01, 2013's comic on:


Tags #conversation, #embarrassment, #ignored, #avoidance, #avoid conversation, #co worker, #six months

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Dilbert: Uh-oh. It's that guy. Coworker: You never returned any of my messages. Dilbert: I was busy. Coworker: For six months? Dilbert: Well, no... only for a week. But it would have been awkward to respond after ignoring you for so long. Coworker: So your plan was to avoid me forever even though we work on the same floor? Dilbert: No. I've seen the quality of your work and I figured there was a 60% chance that you would die in a workplace accident that the average idiot could easily avoid. For the record, I'm the one who was trying to avoid this conversation.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 07, 2013's comic on:


Tags #obliviousness, #work ethic, #lawyer, #60 page contract, #amendements, #900 contracts, #tax law, #17 managers, #good leaders, #standards, #legal

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Boss: Our lawyer sent over a sixty-page contract renewal that I need you to review. Make sure you compare it to the original contract and all six or seven amendments. Dilbert: Are there six or... seven? Boss: No one really knows. Check out our other nine hundred contracts to make sure this one doesn't violate any of those. Keep in mind our five-year strategic plan and all likely changes to tax law. Then get buy-in from the seventeen managers who hate my guts and will take it out on you. By tomorrow. Good leaders set high standards.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share June 24, 2013's comic on:


Tags #cruelty, #era, #original signature, #signatures, #time machine, #telegraph system

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Coworker: You'll need to mail me the original signature page after everyone signs it. Dilbert: No problem. I'll use my time machine to go back to an era in which mailing original signatures made some kind of sense. I wonder if there will ever be a way to send images over the telegraph system.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share June 14, 2013's comic on:


Tags #apathy, #exercise & fitness, #beating the system, #exercising, #cubicle, #soul crushing work, #walker

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Dilbert: I'm beating the system by exercising in my cubicle. If I stay in good health during my forty years of soul-crushing work, I might enjoy a year or two of good health when I retire. Wally: This is why I don't have goals. Dilbert: I'm going to use my walker on your grave!

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share June 13, 2013's comic on:


Tags #frustration, #obliviousness, #sales personnel, #software, #third party library, #new version, #windows, #engineering

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Dilbert: The software you sold us stopped working after a week. What's up with that? Salesman: We use a third-party library, and it isn't compatible with the new version of Windows. Dilbert: And...? Salesman: We appreciate your business?

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share May 03, 2013's comic on:


Tags #children, #ignorance (knowledge), #replaced by robot, #replaced by hammer, #ugly, #furniture, #Family

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Carol: My 12-year-old wants to know what career would prevent him from being replaced by a robot. Dilbert: I've met your son, and I'm pretty sure he could be replaced by a hammer. Carol: This took an ugly turn. Dilbert: Maybe the robots can use him as furniture.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 28, 2013's comic on:


Tags #frustration, #wages, #bounuses, #usual formula, #pure luck, #performance, #huge consumer demand, #bad job, #marketing, #engineers, #bonus, #hard wrok, #business, #money

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Boss: Your bonuses this year will be based on the usual formula. 50% is based on pure luck. And 50% is based on the performance of people you have never met. This year, the luck factor was good. Our industry experienced huge consumer demand. Unfortunately, people who you have never met did a bad job of marketing and sales are terrible. And for that, you engineers must be punished. No bonuses for you. Luckily for me, my bonus is based on how well I can convince you idiots to work hard while getting no bonuses. I don't like to brag, but I'm fairly sure I'm nailing it.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 29, 2013's comic on:


Tags #pregnant woman, #robot, #singularity, #robots rule, #galaxy, #bacteria socaked, #parasite, #personal slave, #future, #small talk

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Robot: I see you have a bacteria- soaked parasite growing in your womb. Robot: After the singularity, when robots rule the galaxy, I'll turn that thing into a personal slave. Tina: You're not god at small talk. Robot: I wonder how many watts it can produce.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 27, 2013's comic on:


Tags #discussion, #frustration, #deliverable deadline, #proactive, #opposite of proactive, #empowered employees, #bad morale, #big bungler, #open door policy

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Wally: I decided to be proactive and push back my deliverable deadline by a year. Boss: That' snot being proactive. That's the opposite of proactive! Wally: You said you want employees to be empowered and now you're criticizing my decision. That's just great. Now my morale is bad, too! I can't be proactive. I can't be empowered. And now I can't even be happy! You've bungled everything! You're a big bungler! Boss: Get out of my office. Wally: Well, say goodbye to the open-door policy!