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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #employee rock climbing seminar, #valuable teamwork, #skills, #rock climbing, #open jars

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An instructor standing next to a rock climbing wall says, "Welcome to the employee rock climbing seminar." The instructor says, "You'll learn valuable teamwork skills by doing dangerous things unrelated to your job." Dilbert, Wally, and Alice look skeptical. Wally says, "Isn't rock climbing a solo activity?" Dilbert says, "I'll help identify your body." Wally says, "It seems like you need a strong grip to climb rocks." Wally says, 'I can't even open jars unless I use special tools." Wally grips his arm and screams, "Ow! Cramp!" Wally says, "I'm disoriented by the pain!" He falls into the others and knocks them down. Dilbert says, "Hey!" The instructor awards them their certificates and says, "Here are your diplomas. Now get out." Wally, Dilbert and Alice are in a heap on the floor. They all think in unison, "Go team!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #shore safely, #try to distarct, #accomplice, #cruel joke, #trunks, #humming fish, #jaws theme song

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Dilbert treads water. A dolphin says to him, "Some dolphins in my situation would help you get to shore safely." The dolphin says, "Others might try to distract you while an accomplice played a cruel joke." Another dolphin swims up behind Dilbert. Dilbert yells, "Come back here with my trunks!!!" One dolphin holds Dilbert's swimsuit in his mouth. The other dolphin says, "Let's asks the humming fish to do the 'Jaws' theme song."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #new objectoves, #achievable, #objectives approved, #measurable

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Alice hands the Boss a document and says, "Here's a draft of my new objectives. I tried to make them achievable." The Boss reads, "No matter how stupid my co-workers are, I will not punch a hole in anyone's torso, rip out a vital organ and keep it in my cubicle as a warning to others." Outside the Boss's office, Wally says to Dilbert, "I hope she gets those objectives approved." Inside the office, Alice yells, "Yes! It's measurable!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #access, #due dilogence, #information, #maniacal laughter, #merger, #phase, #proprietary

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The Boss sits across from two men from the buying company who are sitting on a couch. One man says, "In the 'due diligence' phase of our merger you will give us access to all of your proprietary information." The Boss asks, "Wouldn't that let you know how to crush us competitively? Couldn't you cancel the merger and take our customers without paying a cent?" As the two men struggle to control themselves, they think, "Must . . . contain maniacal . . . laugh . . ."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #rejected by accounting, #emptiness, #shallow, #validate, #pathetic exitsence, #fear this up, #philosophy

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A female employee hands a document to Dilbert and says, "Your report was rejected by accounting." Dilbert asks, "Why?" The woman responds, "Because the emptiness of their shallow lives makes them want to hurt others in order to validate their pathetic existence." Dilbert asks the woman, "Can you help me clear this up?" She responds, "To be honest, I'm kinda buying in to their philosophy."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #dysfunctional team, #learned in workshop, #listen, #heart felt, #respect, #ham radio license, #going first

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Dogbert, Dilbert, Alice and the Boss sit at a round table. Dogbert says, "I'd like each of you to tell the team what you learned in my workshop." Alice says, "I learned to listen with my heart. I gained respect for others. I understand Sanskrit. I got my ham radio license. I can divide by zero . . ." As the Boss looks shocked, Alice thinks to herself, "I love going first."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #accomplishments, #who gets raises, #lie about achievments, #favoritism, #minimizing accomplishments, #billion dollars, #impossible, #verify, #invisible rust, #gets raise, #three people

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The Boss tells Alice, Wally and Dilbert, "Write up your accomplishments so I can decide who gets raises this year." Wally asks, "Are you saying our raises will depend on our ability to lie about our achievements?" The Boss replies as he walks away, "No, there's also favoritism." Dilbert says, "And don't forget the importance of minimizing the accomplishments of others." Dilbert sits at his desk and types, "This year I saved a billion dollars in ways which are impossible to verify." Wally types, "While the others plotted against you, I was applying an invisible rust inhibitor to your car." Alice says to Wally and Dilbert, "I can drop those off for you." Dilbert says, "Thanks." Dilbert asks Wally, "Have you noticed she's the only one who ever gets a raise?" Wally replies, "It's as if she has the accomplishments of three people."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #habits of highly defective people, #ignore signs, #belittle people, #newest team, #all complainers fault, #motivate me, #therapist, #controversial issues, #barney as mascot, #assembly line code, #prejudices, #crisp photo copy, #cpmics, #psychology

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The panel contains the title, "The Seven Habits of Highly Defective People." The caption says, "1. Ignore any signs of discomfort in others." The Boss sits across the table from a dusty skeleton and says, "But hey, I've been doing all of the talking." The caption says, "2. Use humor to belittle people in public." The Boss puts his arm around a man and tells Wally, "Our newest team member has movie star looks. Specifically, Lassie." Wally laughs. The caption says, "3. Treat all complaints as the complainer's fault." Dilbert says, "You don't motivate me." The Boss replies, "Maybe you should see a therapist." The caption says, "4. Show up late and raise controversial issues." The Boss walks into a meeting room and says, "I think we should license 'Barney' as our mascot." The caption says, "5. Give advice on things you don't understand." The Boss points to Dilbert's monitor and says, "Try writing some assembly line code here." The caption says, "6. Use compliments to show your prejudices." The Boss says to Alice, "Ooh, nice crisp photocopy, Alice. I don't think a man could have done it better!" The caption says, "7. Think the comics are not about you." The Boss reads the newspaper and says, "Hee hee! Look at the hair on that guy!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #new org chart, #changed mind, #sore but free

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Catbert stands on a cubicle wall, dangling a chart by a string. Catbert says, "Come see the new org chart." Wally and Alice run toward the chart with out-streched arms. Catbert yanks the chart out of reach and says, "Oops, changed my mind!" Wally and Alice collide, producing the noise, "Wham!" Wally and Alice walk away from the collision looking dazed and wearing each other's clothes. Alice says, "Ouchie." Wally says, "I'm sore, but I've never felt so free."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #volume of work, #quiet leadership, #inspires us, #promote, #manager, #work ethic, #use documents, #heat house, #job offering, #writing

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The Boss sees Dilbert carrying a stack of paper and says, "We've all noticed the volume of work you carry around. Your quiet leadership inspires us." The Boss continues, "I'd like to promote you to manager so you can imbue others with your work ethic." At home, Dilbert loads the paper into the furnace while Dogbert watches. Dogbert asks, "Does he know you use the documents to heat our house?" Dilbert replies, "No. And I asked him to put the job offer in writing."