Disguise True Objective Comic Strips - Page 12
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Caption: "Job Counseling" Dogbert sits at his desk, tail wagging. A moron stands on the other side. Dogbert says, "We'll need to disguise the fact that you're a moron." Dogbert says, "Ironically, the best way is to become an expert in something called "knowledge management." The moron's hair, shirt and tie are messy. The moron's eyes are vacant. The moron sits in a metting next to the Boss. The moron says, "We must develop knowledge optimization initiatives to leverage our key learnings." The Boss thinks, "Smart."
The caption reads: "Based on a true story." Carol sits in front of a pile of papers on her desk and says, "I'm drowning in work." She continues, "You have to do something." The Boss stands in front of her desk and says, "I could build a partition right here." Carol holds out her arms and says, "How will a partition help?" The Boss replies, "Carol, you shouldn't be afraid to try new things." He continues, "If it doesn't work, we'll try something else." Workment put up a partition in front of Carol's desk, which blocks her view of the Boss' door. Carol calls out over the partition, "Are you over there?" The Boss stands in the door to his office and thinks, "It works!"
The Boss sits behind his desk. Alice stands. The boss says, "My sources tell me that you're not meeting your objectives." Alice says, "That's not true. Who are these sources? Name one objective I haven't met." The Boss says, "I don't even know what your objectives are." Alice clenches her fists of death, Alice thinks, "Must.. control... fists."
Caption: Catbert: Evil H.R. Director. Catbert sits behind a desk, a women sits on the other side. The woman says, "I'm grossly underpaid for the type of work I do now." Catbert says, "Write a description of your current duties. I'll be happy to do a compensation review." Caption: Based on a true story. Catbert says, "Sadly, it appears you're not qualified for your own job. But one of your subordinates is." Woman's eyes widen.
Caption: Drug Treatment Program Counselor sitting behind his desk says to Alice, "Alice, I'd like to talk to you about your registration form." Counselor refers to memo and says, "Under 'objective,' you said you want to use my 'turnip-shaped head as a battering ram to break out of here.'" Alice approaches Counselor with duct tape in hand. Counselor says, "Alice drop the duct tape." Alice replies, "Stay tense; that will help."
Dilbert says, "I'll need a letter of reference to apply for a job in another division." The Boss sits at his desk and says, "No problem." The Boss writes a letter. It says, "...For a man of his hygiene. He doesn't steal as much as you think. I suspect he's on drugs." The new manager says, "And then he says you're prone to anger and denial. Is that true?" Dilbert is angry and waves his arms in the air and screams, "NO!!"
The Boss sits at his desk. He says, "Tina, we need to set measurable objectives for you." Tina responds, "I'm a technical writer. How can you measure good writing?" The Boss says, "Everything is measurable is you try hard enough." Tina asks, "Is that your well-measured opinion?" She continues, "Or is it the dogmatic babbling of a manager in total cognitive surrender?" The Boss comes back with, "For example, we could measure the number of words you type." He adds, "We'll have to subtract words you delete. That way we won't motivate the wrong behavior." Tina is now at her desk, typing. She has written, "In this edition of Tina's hourly newsletter, I compare our projects to various types of wood."
Wally is sitting with his tray of food at a table in the company cafeteria. Dilbert is about to sit down. Wally says, "I'm thinking of growing a beard to disguise the fact that I have no chin." Alice joins Wally and Dilbert at the table. Wally continues, "Then I'll get some loose sweaters to disguise the fact that I have no waist." Alice says, "Maybe you should get a Sherlock Holmes outfit to disguise the fact that you have no clue." Wally says, "Perhaps some mannequins as friends."
Recruiting on Campus The female college student says, "I have better offers from twelve companies. Whay should I work at yours?" Dilbert stares blankly. The college student walks away, "I'll see what I can do for you." Dilbert says, "Do you have enough copies of my resume?"
Dilbert and Kenny sit at a conference table. Kenny tells a customer, "No one has ever been fired for buying our product!" Dilbert adds, "That's true." Dilbert says, "There IS the occasional savage beating . . . and more than our share of suicides . . ." Kenny looks angry. Dilbert continues, "But that has 'statistical clustering' written all over it."