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Employee Orientation Catbert: "This job will leave you with no time for exercise." "You will work long hours and consume trans fats until you are shaped like this." "On a positive note, our payroll deduction service allows you to save money for dirt to turn your cubicle into a burial site."
Tina says to the group, "Welcome to workplace violence prevention training." Tina continues, "How can we identify potentially violent employees?" Wally raises his hand excitedly yelling, "Ooh! Ooh!" Tina says, "Wally?" Wally answers, "Do they have beards?" Tina replies, "Um...no. That was a stupid answer." Tina says, "Violent employees are usually creepy, inefficiently males who are widely disrespected." Dilbert raises his hand and asks Tina, "May I change seats?"
The Boss: Can you come to a meeting right now? Dilbert: No, it's almost lunch time. If I miss lunch, my day will be 12 hours of uninterrupted misery. I will envy the dead. The Boss: That's stupid. The dead don't eat lunch either.
Job interview Interviewee: But enough about me. How can I help you achieve your career goals? Boss: You could work 80 hours a week for below-market compensation. Interviewee: I did not see that coming. Boss: Good. I need employees who can't see it coming. You're hired.
Boss: Studies show that it takes 10,000 hours of focused practice to become an expert at anything. According to your resume, you've only had enough database experience to be an incompetent menace. Interviewee: How many hours have you practiced doing interviews? Boss: I don't like where this is headed.
Wally: I would like to be evaluated on my output, not the hours I work. Boss: Okay. That sounds reasonable. Wally: It does? Wow. And I'd also like to work at home where there are fewer distractions so I can be more productive. Boss: Okay. That makes sense. Wally: Really? I mean... great! I'd also like to work on long-term projects that have no near-term deliverables. Holy grail, holy grail, holy grail. Boss: Go back to your cubicle and don't leave until five o'clock. Wally: I was this close to retiring at full pay.
Boss: Some of the most famous geniuses in the world slept only four hours per night. I'm doing four hours a night too because you know what they say: correlation is the same thing as causation. Dilbert: No one says that. Boss: Oh, right. And I should take the word of an oversleeper.
Boss: We need to foster more of a start-up culture to drive innovation. Dilbert: So we get to dress casually, work flex hours, feel that our work is valued, and get equity in the company. Boss: What would be the name of a culture where people work hard but don't get any of those things you just mentioned.
Dilbert: Studies show it takes ten thousand hours of practice to be great at anything. Dogbert: I would think a willingness to practice the same thing for ten thousand hours is a mental disorder. Dilbert: That makes me feel better about my mediocrity. Dogbert: You're welcome.
Boss: How's it going, underling? Dilbert: My long hours and insane workload are causing fatigue, depression, and organ failure. I'll probably be dead in a month. Boss: When did people stop saying "fine?"