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the Boss says, "I need you to write a white paper for an industry trade association." Dilbert says, "Fine, but that will leave me with less time to work on my project." The Boss says, "Do the trade association stuff during your unproductive time." Dilbert says, "What exactly is my 'Unproductive time'?" The Boss says ,"It goes by many names, including sleep, leisure and healthy lifestyle." Dilbert says, "If I do less of those things it will reduce the quality of my life below the point at which good hygiene has any utility." The Boss says, "I don't want to make out with your. I just want you to work harder for no extra money." The Boss thinks, "I spend too much time explaining the obvious."
Coworker says, "Can I get a rough cost estimate for the design phase?" Dilbert says, "No. I don't trust you with numbers." Coworker says, "What?" Dilbert says, "You're the kind of guy who will remove useful qualifiers and distribute a figure as if it is true in all cases." Dilbert says, "Decisions will be made. People will get hurt." Dilbert says, "For everyone's sake, the safest thing I can do is make an annoying humming sound until you go away." Dilbert says, "Hummmmm-mmmmmmmmm-mmmmm." Dilbert says, "Half of life is making people go away." Dogbert says, "Humm-mmmm"
"We're planning to outsource half of the department." "You can't tell anyone." "Is it true that half of the department will be outsourced?" "Before you answer, I should tell you that I've made a list..." "...of all the responses that mean the same as yes." "For example, if you say, 'Ignore the rumors,' that means yes." "Also on the list are, 'Why do you ask?' and, 'Who told you that?'" "That list is stupid." "Gaaa!!! That's number 8 on my list!!!"
Dilbert: "My pay is below market. Can I have a 20% raise?" The Boss: "No, but I'll let you use two flat screen monitors in your cubicle so it feels like you're an evil genius in a secret lair." "Bu-Wa-HAHA!" Wally: "Who got a second monitor?"
Mordac, The preventer of information services Mordac: "I made some changes to the network that I alone understand." "I didn't have time to test it, but if there is a problem, I'll be on vacation for three weeks in a Russian submarine below the Arctic circle." The Boss: "My screen just went blank." Mordac: "Let's chalk that up to coincidence."
The Boss: "Bruce, you're totally incompetent at your job, so I've moving you to another job." "I'm hoping your lack of training for your new job will make your incompetence seem normal." Half of this job is know when to give up."
"It's almost time for our 360 degree reviews." "That means your compensation is partly dependent on the input of your peers." "I'd hate to see something bad happen to you, like, I don't know...maybe a negative review." "I've taken the liberty of calculating the value of a good peer review in terms of your next raise." "Pay me half of that amount, and I'll guarantee a positive outcome." "How would I know you gave me a good one? Peer reviews are anonymous." "What is it about me that makes people so distrusting?"
"Welcome to Dogbert's school of management." "In today's lesson you will learn how to get your employees to do the impossible." "I have issued to each of you one large rock for practice." "Throw your rock in the air and demand that it stay there without falling." "Offer some non-monetary compensation to your rock to incent it." "If your rock refuses to comply, try yelling at it. Go." bonk! - "OW!" bonk! - "OW!" bonk! - "OW!" bonk! - "OW!" bonk! - "OW!" bonk! - "OW!" "For those of you who stood directly below your rock, congratulations. Pick up your diploma on the way out."
"Would you like to buy a candy bar for my daughter's school fundraiser?" "No thanks. I'm not hungry." "That's not really the point." "Why would I buy an overpriced candy bar if I didn't plan on eating it right away?" "You'd do it because your coworker asked you to." "That's a reason?" "Yes, it is." "In that case, I'll take one." Five minutes later "Hey, coworker, would you like to buy a half-eaten candy bar?"
"The trouble started when you insisted on giving inspirational names to the conference rooms." "I scheduled a project meeting for the 'Quality' room and no one knew where to go." "Some people ended up in the 'Teamwork' room while others went to the 'Excellence' room." "By the time we sorted it all out, someone else was scheduled to use our conference room." "Then it took three weeks to schedule another meeting when everyone could make it." "But half of the team went to the 'Action' room and sat there while we waited for them in the 'Good Planning' room." "I thought this was the budget meeting."