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Phil the Ruler of Heck watches Dilbert and thinks, "My next victim." Phil says, "I am Phil, the Prince of Insufficient Light and Supreme Ruler of Heck!!" Dilbert sits at his desk and replies, "Hi, Phil." Phil says, "You must choose one of these two hideous fates to pay for your sins." Phil continues, "You can choose eternal high pay, but all of your work will be burned in front of you at the end of each day . . ." Phil continues, "Or you can choose eternal poverty, but your work will be useful and appreciated." Dilbert says, "WOW! They're BOTH better than my current job!" Dilbert says, "Hey, Wally, you might want to get in on this!" Wally confesses, "I watch tv when I'm supposed to be telecommuting." Phil thinks, "I hate the nineties." Dilbert waves his hand and says, "Do me first!"
Dilbert walks by with a briefcase as the garbage man is emptying a trashcan. The garbage man says to him, "Dilbert, I notice you've been looking depressed lately." The garbage man writes on a pad and says, "Here's a prescription for an antidepressant drug. Be sure to exercise regularly and don't skip meals." Dilbert says angrily, "What makes you think you're qualified to diagnose my mental health?!!" The garbage man reaches for the prescription and says, "I'd better double it."
Dilbert and Liz sit on a park bench. Liz says, "Um . . . When I've shared my feelings with you, I wasn't hoping you'd design an action plan to solve all of my problems." Dilbert asks, "Why else would you tell me all of your problems . . . Unless it's some demented plot to make yourself feel better at my expense?" Back at home, Dilbert tells Dogbert, "You were right. It was all a demented plot." Dogbert says, "I'm trying to gradually lift your veil of ignorance."
The Boss says to Wally, "Good news, Wally. Most of our smart employees quit to get much better jobs elsewhere. Now we don't have to do any downsizing." The Boss continues, "Your job is safe. We need you to do the work of all the people who left." Wally, Dilbert and Alice sit at a table eating lunch. Wally asks, "Is it just me . . . or is the quality of 'good news' really going downhill lately?" Dilbert replies, "I'd have to say you're both going downhill."
Alice and Wally sit at a table eating lunch. Alice says, "I've hit the glass ceiling. I'll never be promoted again." Wally replies, "That's because you're not willing to 'play the game.' You have to look and act like the person who can promote you." In order to look like the Boss, Alice shapes her hair into two points, puts on a suit and stuffs a pillow under her shirt. The Boss sees her and thinks, "Ooo la la!" Alice thinks, "This had better work."
A man says, "In this two day workshop, you will learn to embrace our company's mission and vision." Dilbert, Wally and Alice sit in the audience. The man continues, "At first glance it will appear to be a bunch of useless jargon created by functionally illiterate executives." The man continues, "But after we do some mind-numbing group exercises . . ." The man continues, ". . . You'll forget that you're underpaid and you have no job security." The man turns to an easel and says, "We'll begin by writing down all the things that 'ethical behavior' means to you." Alice says, "I've got a better idea: if you let us leave now, we'll give you high marks on the class evaluation." The man stands at the front of the room thinking. Wally hands the man his evaluation and says, "Good job. You touched me." The man replies, "You wish."
Catbert sits at his desk thinking, "When I'm in a bad mood, I like to think of ways to humiliate the employees." Catbert thinks, "Hmm . . . How about an employee recognition program with a thoroughly worthless award." Catbert purrs. The Boss hands Dilbert a plaque and says, "It's pocket lint from a vice president's trousers. He was wearing them on the day he left for a better job."
The Boss says, "Alice, I'm putting you in charge of developing our booth for the big trade show." The Boss says, "I picked you because the males in the department have disqualified themselves through a process of strategic incompetence." Alice asks Dilbert, "What is strategic incompetence?" Dilbert replies, "I had that written down someplace, but I lost it."
Dilbert, Alice, Wally and the Boss sit at a conference table. Alice says, "Our consultant suggested putting attractive women in our booth at the trade show." Alice continues, "I rejected that idea. It is sexist and demeaning. I have a better idea to increase traffic to our booth." Dilbert asks, "What's the dental floss for?" Alice replies, "It's your thong bikini. You'll stand in front of our competitor's booth."
The Boss, Dogbert and Wally sit at a conference table. The Boss says, "I hired the Dogbert Consulting Company to add credibility to my decisions." Dogbert wears a sorcerer's hat. Dogbert says, "As my analysis shows, it's much better to give your money to me than to waste it on future downsizees such as yourselves." Wally asks, "What analysis? This is a page ripped out of the magazine in our lobby." Dogbert replies, "Perhaps you should upgrade to my deluxe service."