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Catbert peers over a wall and says, "Wally, the company bought a life insurance policy on you." Catbert explains, "Our plan is to raise your blood pressure to dangerous levels." Catbert asks, "Did you know that our CEO makes fifty times your salary even though our stock is down?" Wally covers his ears and shouts, "Ow! Ow! Ow!"
The Boss carries a dead body over his shoulder. He tells Dilbert, "I found another dead employee in the conference room." Dilbert looks shocked. The Boss continues, "I don't know what got him - the boredom or the hard work. But headcount is down one and the company has life insurance on him!" The Boss thinks, "It looks like I found my 'Employee of the Week.'"
The Boss, Wally, Dilbert and Alice sit at a conference table. The Boss says, "There's been a lot of joking and grumbling since the company took out life insurance policies on all of you." The Boss continues, "So we're having these catered lunch meetings to discuss your feelings." Carol, the Boss's secretary, brings a bag of food into the room. Carol takes a sandwich out of the bag and asks, "Do you want the mad cow burger or the chicken bone surprise?"
Catbert and Wally sit at a table. Catbert says, "The company has taken out a life insurance policy on you, Wally." Catbert continues, "We pay the premiums and we collect the insurance when you die." Wally looks at the policy and asks, "Is this because I'm so valuable to the company?" Catbert replies, "It's because we think you'll be more valuable dead." Wally says, "This is exactly why I don't like cats."
Dilbert sits at a conference table with several people. A salesman tells them, "I had to promise the customer we could build the thing in a month even though you said it was impossible." The salesperson continues, "I'll solve the timing problem by shifting blame to engineering while spending the huge bonus I got for the sale." Dilbert says, "Your planning has improved." The man closes his eyes and says, "Beginning blame transfer now . . ." The other people at the table growl.
Catbert stands at his desk and types, "Effective immediately, the company will no longer allow time off for the death of a family member." Catbert continues, "This 'family friendly' policy will remove your incentive to extend vacations by killing relatives." Catbert continues, "And more good news: we're canceling your life insurance so your family won't try to snuff you out either."
Tags #business language, #competetive, #salary increase goodbye, #core business, #lost, #empowered, #unimportant deciosns, #reengineering, #essential, #people person, #canibal, #hire trained people, #market driven, #balme cutsomers, #value employee input, #hour, #important
Dogbert sits at a desk. The panel is titled "Business Language Explained." Someone says, "We have to be more competitive." Dilbert and Wally wear barrels instead of clothing. Wally says, "Nice barrel." Dilbert replies, "This old thing?" The caption says, "Meaning: Say goodbye to salary increases." Someone says, "We must focus on our core business." The Boss feels his head and says, "Hello." The caption says, "Meaning: We can't find our butts with both hands." Someone says, "You are empowered." Alice sits at her desk wearing a crown and saying, "I proclaim this to be 'Green Ink Day.'" The caption says, "Meaning: You're the monarch of unimportant decisions." Someone says, "We're reengineering your function." A man and a horse are kicked out an office window. The caption says, "Meaning: Adios, Tonto, and the horse you rode in on." Someone says, "Training is essential." A man at a desk asks, "You were a cannibal?" A man wearing a grass skirt and a bone in his hair replies, "I'm a people person." The caption says, "Meaning: We're trying to hire some trained people." Someone says, "We're market driven." A woman doing research asks a man, "What's your favorite odor?" The caption says, "Meaning: We blame customers for our lack of innovation." Someone says, "We value employee input." Dilbert tells the Boss, "Thanks for listening." The Boss laughs hysterically. The caption says, "Meaning: We think humor is important."
Dilbert points to a diagram on an overhead projector. Dilbert says to the Boss, "You saved one million dollars by having programmers in Elbonia write software for us." Dilbert continues, "But we wasted four million dollars trying to debug the software." Dilbert continues, "And the entire staff of our quality assurance group quit to become mimes." The Boss responds, "Let's blame the mimes; they won't talk."
The Boss says to Tina who is seated at her computer, "Tina, you'll have to have all the documentation written by next week so we can ship it when the software is done." Tina says angrily, "How can I write instructions for something that doesn't exist yet?" The Boss answers, "You'll have to make logical guesses." Tina types on her computer, "If you press any key your computer will lock up. If you call our tech support we'll blame 'Microsoft.'"
Dogbert, the Boss and Dilbert sit around a conference table. Dogbert says, "You shipped keyboards with no letter 'Q.' The public wants somebody to take responsibility." The Boss raises both arms and shouts, "Ooh ooh, pick me, pick me!!" Dilbert says, "Responsibility means blame." The Boss says, "Great . . . It's like the time I got burned on that 'opportunity' assignment."