Employee Abseteeism Comic Strips - Page 13

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513 Results for Employee Abseteeism

View 121 - 130 results for employee abseteeism comic strips. Discover the best "Employee Abseteeism" comics from Dilbert.com.

13 Percent Employees Engaged

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13 Percent Employees Engaged - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #employee, #employees, #engagement, #motivation, #global survey, #engaged at work, #business

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Boss: A global survey says only 13% of employees feel engaged at work. Dilbert: If you're wondering which one of your employees is engaged, it's this guy. Boss: We need ten more just like him. Dilbert: I think I just figured out what's wrong with the rest of us.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #arguing, #personal business, #work ethic, #work load, #work call, #payment, #time management, #handled arguement, #bodd, #employee, #repremand, #money

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Boss: That doesn't sound like a work call. Carol: It isn't I don't have time to do my personal stuff on my own time. I have to do it on work time. Boss: I pay you to do work stuff, not personal stuff. Carol: Then how would I get all of my personal stuff done? Boss: That's not my problem. Carol: Then why did you bring it up. Boss: Because I need you to do work. Carol: I told you I can't get all of my personal stuff done if I do your work! Boss: Okay, okay. I probably could have handled that better.

Incompetent Employee Budget Only

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Incompetent Employee Budget Only - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #budget, #catch-22, #incompetence, #funds, #lose funds, #75% competent, #cubicle

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Boss: I only have enough in the budget to hire an employee who is incompetent half of the time. But if I don't use the budget, I will lose those funds next year. Employee: And I am proud to say that I'm 75% competent. Boss: I wish I could afford that.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #criticism, #frankness, #goals, #honesty, #managers, #root cause, #bad parenting, #pointy headed boos, #underlings, #rapidly evolving nature, #talented employee, #boss life story

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Boss: You haven't achieved any of your goals for the year. What is up with that? Dilbert: Do you want an explanation that goes back to the root cause? Boss: Of course. Dilbert: The problem started years ago, when two idiots unwisely created a third smaller idiot. They compounded their mistake with bad parenting. The toddler ate candy and sniffed wet paint until he became a pointy-headed boss. The pointy-headed boss set goals for his underlings that ignored the rapidly evolving nature of the industry. Then he got angry at his most talented employee for giving an accurate answer to a question. Boss: I hate you. Dilbert: Nothing could halt the downward spiral.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #experience, #inexperience, #panic, #viable prodcut, #feature list, #deck, #first day, #no respect, #inexperienced guy

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Inexperienced Guy. Boss: Put together a deck showing the minimum viable product feature list. Employee: What is a deck? What is a minimum viable product? How would I know what the features are? Boss: I have no respect for people who ask questions. Employee: First day, not good.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #graphic design, #graphic designers, #outsourcing, #new employee, #subcontract, #starngers, #internet, #5% salary, #undermind, #technology

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Boss: Dilbert, meet our new graphic designer. Dilbert: If I had your job, I would secretly sub it out to strangers on the Internet and pay them 5% of my salary while I did nothing all day. Oops, sorry. I didn't know you were already there.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #joking, #laughter, #medicine, #neck pain, #sleep, #sound wise, #slept wrong, #employee, #employer, #health

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Boss: My neck is killing me. I must have slept wrong. Dilbert: Ha ha ha! You can't even sleep right! I'm doing you a favor because laughter is the best medicine. Hee hee! Boss: Why does that no longer sound wise?!!

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #answers, #deception, #questioning, #questions, #reorganization, #deceptive weasel, #guilt, #employee, #employer

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Dilbert: I heard a rumor of a reorganization. Is it true? Boss: Who told you that? Dilbert: Answering a question with a question means yes. Boss: Are you accusing me of being a deceptive weasel? Dilbert: Why would you ask that?

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #incompetence, #work culture, #cultural fit, #cultural incompetence, #joking, #new employee, #introductions

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Boss: Dilbert, meet Larry. He isn't terribly competent, but he's a good cultural fit. Dilbert: Hi, Larry. Thanks for reinforcing our culture of incompetence. Larry: You're joking about the incompetence, right. Boss: Sure.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #bird poop, #cars, #incentives, #mass transit, #punishment, #worst employee of the month, #special parking spot, #big tree, #every bird, #firemans axe, #wallow in shame, #incentives dont work

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Boss: You've been named worst employee of the month. The honor comes with a special parking spot. It's under the big tree that every bird in the county uses as a restroom. By the end of the day, you'll need a fireman's axe just to find the door handle. As you chop your way toward the inner core that is your car, think about how you could have worked harder this month. You'll probably draw a crowd in the parking lot so remember to wallow in your shame. Wally: I take mass transit to work. Boss: Incentives don't work.