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Boss Gets A Nickname

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Boss Gets A Nickname - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share August 08, 2016's comic on:


Tags #scientist, #nickname, #obliviousness, #stephen hawking, #black holes, #space, #science

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Wally: Our new nickname for you is based on the work of Stephen Hawking. Hawking is one of the greatest scientific minds of our time. Boss: I like it! Dilbert: I need him to make a decision today. Carol: Toss it in the black hole.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share December 11, 2016's comic on:


Tags #health, #morning, #waking up, #sleepless, #complaining, #manager, #sociopath, #emotions

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Boss: Can you take a call with our Elbonian customers at 6 a.m. tomorrow? Dilbert: Sure. All I need to do is put my health at risk by not getting enough sleep tonight. Of course, I'll hate your guts for making me come to work so early. And I would expect my bad attitude to infect my co-workers and make them less productive, too. My lack of sleep will affect my decision-making, obviously. And I"m working on important projects, so the ripple effect could be catastrophic. So, do you still want me to be here at 6 a.m. tomorrow? Boss: Yes. You don't have to be a sociopath to be a manager, but it helps.

Rather Eat Garbage

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Rather Eat Garbage - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 16, 2017's comic on:


Tags #choosing, #choices, #boredom, #listening, #trash, #garbage, #suffering

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Wally: Would you rather eat garbage or listen to our boss talk about his weekend? Dilbert: I'd have to know more about the garbage to make that decision. Wally: Let's say it's mostly kitchen stuff. Dilbert: Am I eating it from the can or fighting birds for it?

Don't Make Eye Contact With Ceo

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Don't Make Eye Contact With Ceo  - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share June 12, 2017's comic on:


Tags #presentation, #public speaking, #nervous, #anxious, #fear

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Asok: I'm nervous because I need to make a presentation to our CEO. Do you have any advice? Wally: Don't make eye contact with him. He hates that. Asok: You have made things far worse! Wally: He also flies into a rage when he hears the word "the."

Make It Hard To Uninstall

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Make It Hard To Uninstall - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 21, 2017's comic on:


Tags #customer service, #business strategy, #sales, #deception, #business

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Boss: Don't focus so much on making the software do what our customers want it to do. Just make it hard for users to uninstall it. Dilbert: Why would they buy it in the first place? Boss: A big part of our strategy involves lying.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 04, 2018's comic on:


Tags #add code, #corporate scamming, #darkest day, #designed new prodcut, #draft apology, #engineering success, #make unrelaible, #no upgarde, #press release, #ten years

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Dilbert: Ive designed our new product to work flawlessly for up to ten years. CEO: No one will need an upgrade. Thats no good. Add some code to low it down and make it unreliable after two years. CEO: But make sure the device doesn't slow down until we have an upgrade to sell. Then draft an apology I can put un a press realize when we get caught. Dilbert: You have turned my engineering success into the darkest day of my career. CEO: Thats not even close to being true. Your darkest day will be when the press figures out what we did and I fore you for it.

Inadequate Explanations

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Inadequate Explanations - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share October 24, 2018's comic on:


Tags #Dilbert, #the boss, #decision, #project, #boss, #input, #situation, #usual, #nothing

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Dilbert: Have you made a decision on my project yet? The Boss: No, but I asked my boss for his input. Dilbert: Did you inadequately explain the situation as usual? The Boss: Maybe. Dilbert: Thanks for all the nothing.

Everyone Is Their Own Boss

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Everyone Is Their Own Boss - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share November 29, 2018's comic on:


Tags #boss, #business, #decision, #employees, #company

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Man: At my company, every employee is their own boss. Dilbert: How do you make decisions? Man: Can I get back to you when we make one? It's only been two years.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 23, 2011's comic on:


Tags #business ethics, #work ethic, #work-life balance, #implies life is impirtant, #work-life intergration, #big thanks, #never had a life

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Catbert says, "We're no longer using the term 'work-life balance' because it implies that your life is important." Catbert says, "Now we call it 'work-life integration' so it's easier to make you work when you would prefer being with loved ones." Catbert says, "And I'd like to give a big thanks to those of you who never had a life." Dilbert says, "You're welcome."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 04, 2011's comic on:


Tags #managers & supervisors, #brain overload, #detailed answer, #broken, #decison, #nodding, #sensing opportunity, #business

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Alice says, "Now you've done it. He has brain overload from your unnecessarily detailed answer." Alice says, "Great. He's totally broken and we need a decision today." Dilbert says, "Is he nodding yes?" Alice says, "I'm sensing an opportunity here."