Manager Stole Comic Strips - Page 14
195 Results for Manager Stole
View 131 - 140 results for manager stole comic strips. Discover the best "Manager Stole" comics from Dilbert.com.
Share November 29, 2009's comic on:
The Boss says, "Dilbert, this is Ellen, your new project manager." The Boss says, "If you do a bad job, Ellen will be on you like a ton of bricks." Boss says, "And if you do a good job, she will be threatened by your success and make it her mission to destroy you." Dilbert says, "Wait...what?" Dilbert says, "Did you just tell me I'm going to lose no matter what I do?" Ellen says, "If you can't take the heat, stay out of the kitchen." Ellen says, "And by kitchen I mean the entire job market And the gene pool." "Dilbert says, "I have a bad feeling about this." Ellen says, "Your anguish nourishes me!"
Share January 24, 2010's comic on:
The Boss says, ?Our CEO asked each manager to describe his group's function on one slide.? The Boss says, ?I don't see how I can fit all of our various functions on one powerpoint slide.? Dilbert says, ?You could say, 'we spend all of our time trying to convince others that we have value.'? The Boss says, ?That's not all we do.? Alice says, ?Sometimes we also argue about what we do.? The Boss says, ?That's just what we're doing right now. Tomorrow we'll be doing something totally useful.? Dilbert says, ?Maybe you could add a footnote to the slide that says, 'we dream of someday being productive.'? Dilbert says, ?Or you could exaggerate our accomplishments to create a misleading sense of our potential.? The Boss says, ?Yes!? The Boss says, ?What have we accomplished lately?? Wally says, ?We got paid for planning to lie to our CEO.?
Share February 25, 2010's comic on:
The Boss says, "Dilbert, meet our new account manager." Dilbert says, "Hi." The Boss says, "His job is solving a hodgepodge of problems that would bore a normal person to death." The Boss says, "We think his parents didn't let him have toys." Dilbert says, "The first day is the easiest."
Share March 08, 2010's comic on:
Dogbert the Generic Manager Man says, "We need more people on the project." Dogbert says, "Figure it out. Work smarter not harder. Make a plan. Move some things around. Adjust priorities. Just get it done. Give me a status report." Man says, "That did nothing but make me hate you." Dogbert says, "I can replace you with someone who will pretend to be inspired."
Share June 11, 2010's comic on:
Coworker says, "Wally, would you??" Wally says, "No. I'm doing something important for the brand integration manager." Coworker says, "Maybe after that you could?" Wally says, "Then I'm doing a rush job for the director of sustainability." Coworker says, "Are those even real people?" Wally says, "Welcome to Matrix management, Neo."
Share July 01, 2010's comic on:
The Boss says, "Make sure you coordinate with the brand manager and the category manager." The Boss says, "And also the clients, the account execs, the project leaders, strategic planning, facilities management, product managers, marketing, and I.T." Dilbert says, "All I heard was 'give up.'" The Boss says, "Let's meet again in a year."
Share September 12, 2010's comic on:
The Boss says, "I need this room for my meeting." Dilbert says, "Wouldn't it make more sense for you to get a different room since we're already here?" The Boss says, "All of the conference rooms are booked." Dilbert says, "Okay, then I guess we should compare the importance of your meeting versus this one." The Boss says, "That's not how it works." The Boss says, "Conference rooms go to the highest ranked manager." Dilbert says, "It took me months to schedule this meeting!" The Boss says, "Scram." The Boss says, "The goal of this meeting is to figure out why nothing ever gets done around here."
Share September 13, 2010's comic on:
The Boss says, "Beth is our new marketing manager for social media." The Boss says, "By the way, company policy forbids the use of Facebook and Twitter at work. And we don't trust you to work from home." The Boss says, "If you blog about how lame we are, you're fired!!!" Beth thinks, "First day, not so good."
Share September 14, 2010's comic on:
Beth says, "As the marketing manager for social media, my job is to use these two words a lot." Beth says, "Marketing through social media is like herding cats. And just to make it interesting, many of the cats are drunk and stupid." Dilbert says, "Burn." Catbert says, "I am totally defriending that witch."
Share October 30, 2010's comic on:
Catbert says, "For the past six months you've done nothing but update your Facebook page." Catbert says, "Now we have an opening for a marketing manager for social networks and you're totally qualified. It's a huge raise and promotion." Man says, "Crime pays! I knew it!!!" Catbert says, "We're hoping you can lie as well as you steal."