Catbert Comic Strips - Page 14

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655 Results for Catbert

View 131 - 140 results for Catbert comic strips. Discover the best "Catbert" comics from Dilbert.com.

Engineering

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Engineering - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags engineers, hiring, negativity, personality tests, resumes, special algorithms, personality, stupidity, engineering, psychology

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Catbert: No one looks at resumes anymore. Now we use special algorithms to see where your personality fits in our culture. Man: That process sounds like a steaming pile of stupidity that will beat itself to death in a few years. Catbert: I'll start you in engineering. You'll fit right in.

Donuts 'N Vodka

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Donuts 'N Vodka - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags cognitive control, hiring, job interview, self control, temptation, prediction of success, donut, laptop, bottle vodka, resist

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Catbert: Your experience is impressive, but a better predictor of success is your cognitive control. I will leave you for ten minutes with a donut, a laptop full of inappropriate videos, and a bottle of vodka. Try to resist them. Man: Yee-ha! Mmm-mm! Catbert: Do not go in there.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags choosing, wages, scientific reaserch, happiness, more money, renounce science, el gato diablo, psychology, money

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Catbert: According to scientific research, your happiness will not increase if you make more money. Therefore, I can only authorize a raise for you if you renounce science. Say it! Say you renounce science! Dilbert: El gato diablo!

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags cruelty, work ethic, human resources, feeling of inadequency, boost company profits, all weekedn, adequate temporary basis, business

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Catbert: My job in Human Resources is to instill in you a permanent feeling of inadequacy. Your only hope for feeling good about yourself is to work feverishly to boos company profits. If you work all weekend for free, I am willing to call you adequate on a temporary basis. Dilbert: I'll take it.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags honesty, honest assessment, leadership, stabbed, angry clown, drwoning, septic tank, heard of honesty

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Boss: I want you to give me an honest assessment of my leadership. THIRTY MINUTES LATER Dilbert: ...like being stabbed by an angry clown while drowning in a septic tank. Boss: Have you heard of honesty? It's terrible.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags frustration, work ethic, bad mood, personal problem, work, time, no time

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Boss: I wonder why everyone is in a bad mood lately. Catbert: Maybe they have personal problems. Boss: How could they have time for personal problems when I work them 70 hours a week? Catbert: Then I don't know what it is.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags wounds & injuries, work related injury, year off, with pay, drinking coffee, listening to podcast, personal, butt hurts, kill, murder, surfing internet

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Wally: I have a work-related injury, so I need a year off with pay. Catbert: What happened? Wally: I was drinking coffee and listening to a podcast while surfing the Internet for personal reasons. Now my buttocks hurt. Catbert: I think I'm within my rights to kill you.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags celestial bodies, managers & supervisors, black hole, management style, dangerous, importnat emails, employee named ted, business

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Catbert: Your management style has caused a black hole to form. Boss: Is it dangerous? Catbert: No to us. It only absorbs important emails from employees. And en employee named Ted, apparently.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags chocolate, obliviousness, dark chocolate, brain works better, magical thinking, fad chasing, eating, three pounds

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Boss: I ate three pounds of dark chocolate and it made my brain work better. Now I realize that everything I've done in my career up to this point has been magical thinking and fad-chasing. What should I do? Catbert: Stop eating chocolate.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags crime victims, embarrassment, lost money, phishing scam, questioning support, stifle laugh

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Boss; I lost all of my money to a phishing scam. Catbert: Must... stifle... laugh. Mmmph! Pressure is building. Must contain... \\ Boss: Are you being supportive? I can't tell. Catbert: Mmmph!