Actual Code Comic Strips - Page 14
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The Boss says to Wally and Dilbert, "From now on, everything we do must be justified by R.O.I." Dilbert asks, "What's the R.O.I. for this new policy about calculating R.O.I.?" The Boss says, "I said 'from now on.'" Dilbert points at The Boss and says, "What about your answer? No R.O.I."
The Boss says to Wally and Dilbert, "We're going to have a 'town hall' meeting to improve communication." The Boss continues, "But it's not actually in an actual town hall. And I'll have questions in advance, so it's not a meeting per se." Wally asks, "Who do we give our questions to?" The Boss replies, "I think you'll find that it doesn't matter."
Headline: Catbert: Evil H.R. Director. Catbert is standing on The Boss' desk. Catbert reports, "The average performance evaluation for your group is too high." The Boss asks, "Do you want me to lower their ratings or their actual performance?" Catbert responds, "Whatever." Dilbert is sitting at his computer. The Boss is standing behind him with one arm reached out towards the back of Dilbert's head. Dilbert says, "This is starting to affect my performance." The Boss replies, "Why? I'm not touching you."
Wally and Dilbert sit in the breakroom eating lunch with a co-worker. The co-worker says, "I spend all day writing code for another company while it looks like I'm doing my job here." The co-worker pauses from eating a sandwich and says, "Crime pays, and it also has an excellent benefits package." Wally looks at his co-worker and says, "Are you eating my sandwich?" The co-worker answers, "I'm saving mine for dinner."
Dilbert stands in front of a complex model. He points on the screen and says, "I designed a product that could fill a gaping hole in the market." Dilbert continues his presentation, pointing to a new slide with two shapes on it, nothing more. He says, "But thanks to the miracle of teamwork it turned into a product with no actual features." The next slide Dilbert points to shows a picture of himself in bed, laughing. He says, "In Phase three I fantasized about my coworkers being eaten by squirrels."
Tags #recommend vendor, #internal debvelopers, #play out, #outside vendor, #clueless weasel, #begin work, #sign contract, #internal weasels complain, #use, #steaming mounds, #worthless code, #plan too much, #practiced yesterday
Dilbert stands before the Boss giving a presentation. Dilbert says, "...And that's why I recommend using this vendor." The Boss asks, "Why don't we use our internal developers?" Dilbert replies, "Let me explain how this will play out." Dilbert begins drawing a diagram on the board. Dilbert says, "Step One: We select an outside vendor because our internal developers are clueless weasels." Dilbert continues, "Step Two: We sign a contract and begin work." Dilbert says, "Step Three: Our internal weasels complain to our VP and she order us to use them." Dilbert continues drawing a complex diagram on the board. Dilbert says, "Step Four: The outside vendor sues us while our weasels grunt out steaming mounds of worthless code." Dilbert returns home to Dogbert. Dilbert asks Dogbert, "Do I plan too much?" Dogbert says, "Is this the conversation we practiced yesterday?"
Dilbert is dropping his date off after a date. She says, "Thanks for taking me to dinner. You're a terrific conversationalist." Noriko and Dilbert embrace as Dilbert says, "With you, it's easy." They are about to kiss when Dilbert continues, "I discovered that I can write code in my head as you complain about your job all night."
Catbert is standing on a desk and talking to Dilbert. Catbert says, "We can't pay this week because your position code is misaligned with your module." Catbert continues, "Worse yet, no one knows what that means or whose responsibility it is to fix it." Dilbert says, "Who told you about the problem?" Catbert says, "It was an anonymous note with disappearing ink."
Asok the intern is at Wally's cubicle. He tells Wally: "I created a prison Morse code so we can communicate during the day." Asok continues: "Tap your secret messages on the cubicle wall." Wally begins to tap a message to Asok. Asok decodes the message: "I S E N T Y O U E M A I L."
Asok is on the phone at his computer. ASok says, "Hello, mother. I called to tell you I get your joke." ASok says, "You don't know what I'm talking about? Ha ha! You're really playing this one all the way." Asok sits at a table as Dilbert and Wally eat lunch. Asok looks shocked and says, "It turns out this is my actual life." Wally says, "It's the good part."