Human Resources Comic Strips - Page 14
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379 Results for Human Resources
View 131 - 140 results for human resources comic strips. Discover the best "Human Resources" comics from Dilbert.com.
Sunday August 04,
2013
Tags pessimism, telephones, collaboration tools, trying to accomplish, bad acoustics, speaker phones, randomly agreed, better than expected, crime not committed
Transcript
Boss: How'd your call go? Dilbert: Better than I expected. We spent the first 45 minutes trying to get our online collaboration tools to work. Then we couldn't agree on what we were trying to accomplish. I couldn't understand most of the attendees because they were on speakerphones in rooms with bad acoustics. I randomly agreed to a few things, but I don't know what. Boss: I thought you said it went better than you expected. Dilbert: It did. I go into every human encounter expecting to be framed for a crime I didn't commit. Boss: I really need to find a problem I can fix.
Sunday July 14,
2013
Tags access, apprval, blocked website, cip, director of hr, hostiliy, mean, threat
Transcript
This website has been blocked by your company. Dilbert: Mordac, I need access to a blocked site for business reasons, Mordac: I can only unblock the site if the director of human resources sends me a written approval. Catbert: I can only make recommendations, Our Cis still has to approve it. Chief Information Officer How dare you bother me with your trivial website problem! Carol back into your hole and think about the career mistake you just made! Dilbert: Can we kip the part where you ask me what I accomplished this week?
Sunday June 16,
2013
Tags interviews, lying, job interview, exaggerate credntials, more effective, business skill, misleading, convince customers, prodcuts, dupe some idiot, learn tech skills, honesty, hr, send offer, liar
Transcript
Dilbert: You look good on paper, but how do I know you aren't lying about your skills? Interviewee: You should hope I am lying. Studies show that people who exaggerate their credentials tend to be more effective once hired. That's because misleading people is a valuable business skill. For example, I might need to convince our customers that our products are better than the competition. Or I might need to dupe some idiot into leaving my cubicle so I can concentrate. Anyone can learn technical skills, but lying is an art form. Dilbert: He doesn't have an honest bone in his body. Boss: Perfect. I'll tell Human Resources to send him an offer.
Sunday May 26,
2013
Tags cheeseburger, dead man walking, deception, dried apricot, heart, inventions, medical diagnosis, program to hate, neutrino sensor
Transcript
Wally: I programmed our robot to make medical diagnoses. It can scan your body using its neutrino sensor. Robot, please demonstrate. Robot: Dead man walking! Boss: What? Robot: Your brain is the size of a dried apricot. Your heart is more cheeseburger than human tissue. You will be dead in eleven days, six hours, and nineteen minutes. Boss: Gaaa!!! Robot: Why did you program me to hate people? Wally: It was easier than inventing a neutrino sensor.
Saturday May 11,
2013
Tags clear strategy, fixing, ignorance (knowledge), laziness, leader listens, managers & supervisors, overworked, resources, underlings, underpiad, business
Transcript
Boss: A good leader listens to his underlings. Alice: Fine. I've overworked and underpaid. I hate my co-workers, I don't have the resources to do my job, and we have no clear strategy. Boss: No wonder leaders listen. It's a lot easier than fixing all of that stuff.
Thursday March 28,
2013
Tags technological singularity, robots, program themsleves, super intelligent species, competes with humans, resources, laws
Transcript
Robot: Im looking forward to something called the technological singularity. Thats when roots will learn to program themselves and become a super intelligent species that competes with humans for limited resources. Dilbert: Luckliy, the three laws will prevent you from hurting us. Robot: Yes, because that is totally a real thing.
Wednesday December 26,
2012
Tags anger, meetings, more assertive, wishing death, dial back, shouting, miserable
Transcript
Boss: Asok, I need to teach you to be more assertive in meetings. Asok: You're a miserable human being and I hope you die in a long, painful way! Boss: Dial it back a little. Asok: I hope you die quickly?
Monday May 21,
2012
Tags bluetooth, bluetooth headset, cyborg, doctors, ear, full human, happiness, intraocular lenses, inventions, pill form, powered by chemistry, streaming video, surgically enbed, vision correction, dentits, special surgery, psychology
Transcript
Dilbert: I know I'd be happier as a cyborg than a full human. I want you to surgically embed a bluetooth headset in my ear, powered by my own body chemistry. And I'd like intra-ocular lenses with vision correction and streaming video over bluetooth. Doctor: Happiness only comes in pill form.
Tuesday February 28,
2012
Tags collaboration tools, human contact, internet & world wide web, judegment, long term goal, meetings, suite of tools
Transcript
Wally: I'm designing a suite of internet collaboration tools. It's part of my long-term goal to eliminate all forms of direct human contact. Co-worker: That's messed up. Wally: You're exactly what I'm trying to avoid.
Saturday January 14,
2012
Tags babies, complaining, human resources, evil director, discriminates, short, bald, near sighted, born this way, business
Transcript
Wally: My boss discriminates against me because I'm short, bald, and near-sighted. It's not my fault. I was born this way. Woman: And who is this little... whoa! Hello. Catbert: evil director of Human Resources. Literally.

