Business Dorky Comic Strips - Page 14
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"I worked all year on a project that got canceled today because we got a new vice president who didn't like it." "I made a billion dollars by convincing suckers that a garbage barge was oceanfront real estate." "Would you lend me some money so I can open my own business." "No, but I know some people on a barge who would."
Customer: I'd like to do business with your company, but I'm concerned that the only beverage you can afford to offer me is water from the restroom sink... and I need to bring my own cup. Dilbert: I also offered to fill the sink and let you lap it out. Customer: And now I'm thirsty!
Mordac: I, Mordac, the preventer of information services, reject your business case because you used the old template. Ha ha ha! I feed on your anger and frustration! And now I will eat like a king! Dilbert: Good luck with that. I've been dead on the inside since the teamwork seminar. Mordac: Sheesh. I'm living on goldfish crackers.
Boss: Good news! Our biggest competitor just went out of business! There was so much anticipation for their next product that no one bought the current one and they ran out of money. Alice: Our strategy of predictable mediocrity paid off again. Boss: It's okay to call it genius.
CEO: We're going into the smartphone business. Smartphones are basically gadgets, and we already make gadgets, so how hard could it be? Dilbert: If you strangle me now, I promise I won't resist. Boss: That sounds lazy.
Dilbert: I need an improbable solution to a work problem.Deus ex machina services. Dogbert says, "Sure. I charge one million dollars for each improbable solution." Dilbert says, "Okay, then I also need an improbable way to get things from you for free." Dogbert says, "Stop breaking my business model."
Dilbert says, "I'm thinking about getting a master's degree in business so I can get promoted to management." Dogbert says, "How long does it take to learn how to be less useful?" Dilbert says, "Three years of night classes." Dogbert says, "Hold still and I'll save you three years."
Dilbert says, "Elbonian spies stole my laptop and all of our confidential data." Dilbert says, "But don't worry, because I placed a virus in there that will destroy their morale and their hope." Dilbert says, "I believe you call it your 'business plan.'"
Vijay the venture capitalist Dogbert says, "We're going into the solar panel business." Vijay says, "CHA-CHING! CHA-CHING!" $$ Vijay says, "Pretend you didn't see that when I negotiate my equity."
Dilbert says, "Can you give me some comments on my business plan?" Wally says, "Sure." Wally says, "Your plan is a hodge-podge of unwarranted optimism encased in an impenetrable fortress of buzzwords." Dilbert says, "Would you like to read it?" Wally says, "There's that unwarranted optimism again."