Office Too Far Comic Strips - Page 14
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office worker: why are you telling everyone my project got canceled? dilbert: i never said anything like that. office worker: you're such a liar. i saw your email to ted. dilbert: if i show you that email right now, and it says nothing about your project... will you admit you were wrong and humbly apologize to me? office worker: i don't think i can commit to that. dilbert: well, anyway, here it is, and you can plainly see you were wrong. office worker: this looks photo-shopped. dilbert: i don't see a winning path for me here.
the boss: we have seventeen pieces of evidence that you are an elbonian spy. dilbert: no, you have seventeen coincidences and a bad case of confirmation bias. dilbert: how about i prove you're a moron and see how far that gets us?
office worker, dilbert and the boss at conference table. office worker: dilbert and i disagree on how to fix the bug. dilbert: for context, one of us is a moron, and one of us is always right. the boss: i'm confused because there are three of us here. dilbert: i forgot one moron.
dogbert to dilbert: this is my service human. office worker on leash. dogbert: whenever i feel angry, i slap him with a rolled-up magazine to help me relax. service human: no one reads magazines anymore. dogbert: can i borrow your iPad?
dogbert: i'm opening a beg-and-pay store. dilbert: what will you be selling? dogbert: selling? dogbert: you are way behind the times. dogbert: stores don't sell things anymore. dogbert: selling would require good customer service and lots of stock on hand. dogbert: if you want that sort of thing, use the internet. dogbert: i just want a place where people can go and beg me to sell them stuff that isn't in stock. office worker: can you help me find this hat in my size? dogbert: beg!!!
the boss: we'll need a scapegoat to blame for our failure on this project. dilbert: no one will believe it wasn't our fault. the boss: are you kidding? the boss: people will believe anything. the boss: we just have to be the first to frame the situation. dilbert: i suppose we could make our lie sound credible. the boss: that's overkill. dilbert: we don't need to sound credible? the boss: not even a little. the boss is in ceo's office. the boss: our project failed because of climate change. ceo: that sounds right.
in conference room. dilbert: i recommend we upgrade one of our servers over the weekend. office workers: so, just to be clear, you want to replace our entire network in two days? dilbert: um...no. i want to replace one defective server. office worker: we can't replace our entire network in two days! that is ridiculous! dilbert: i don't know what is happening right now. dilbert: it's as if they things i say have no impact on what you hallucinate you are hearing. office worker: you think you can replace an entire network in two days, and you think i'm the one who is hallucinating? dilbert: i don't know what to do right now. office worker: your incompetence is confirmed.
doctor: looks like you have a bad case of jargon poisoning. doctor: i'll write you a prescription for jargon-canceling headphones. they translate jargon words to normal words. office worker: let's stay in our swim lane while the tiger teams get buy-in on the verticals. dilbert hears this with headphones: nothing, nothing, nothing.
wally at team meeting. wally: i've been asked to lead this project toward failure so my boss can convince our ceo to cancel it. wally: i'd like all of the competent people on the team to step aside, while the drooling incompetents who remain drive it into a ditch. office worker: how can we know who among us are the competent ones? wally: well, for starters, they don't ask that question.
Boss: The office is too quiet today. Carol: That's because more people are working from home. Boss: How can I do my job if I can't pop into people's cubicles and share my wisdom? Second question: why is everything running so smoothly lately?