Search Results for "valuable assignment"
Share July 12, 2009's comic on:
The boss says, "Dilbert, I want you to audit the software we have on our systems." Dilbert says, "Why?" The boss says, "So we know what we have." Dilbert says, "Who will use the information?" The boss says, "It's just important to have." DIlbert says, "It will be out of date before I'm even done." The boss says, "Do your best." Dilbert says, "The best way to compile inaccurate information that no one wants is to make it up." The boss says, "I hope no one ever comes here to learn our best practices."
Share October 25, 2009's comic on:
the Boss says, "Dilbert, I need you to take care of?um?" The Boss says, "?.Whatever is on the top of my pile." Dilbert says, "This is a job for marketing. Not engineering." The Boss says, "Give it to the director of marketing and ask him to assign it to someone." Dilbert says, "So...you're delegating to me to pass this off to someone else, who will delegate it to someone else." Dilbert says, "With each handoff, the sense of urgency will diminish until the likelihood of completion approaches zero." Dilbert says, "You could save the company money by crumpling up this document and throwing it away right now." The boss says, "This feels wrong." Dilbert says, "Try using more wrist."
Share November 01, 2009's comic on:
Dilbert says, "Could you make these changes in the database? It will only take five minutes."Man says, "Ooh, I don't know?" Dilbert says, "Wait!" Dilbert says, "Are you planning to spend ten minutes explaining why you don't have five minutes to do this task?" Dilbert says, "Or are you so incompetent that a five-minute task will take an hour?" Dilbert says, "Or are you limited by company policy because you're a feckless waste of carbon?" Dilbert says, "Or are you the agreeable but unorganized type who will say yes, lose my note, and forget who asked?" Man says, "I was planning to tell you this doesn't need to be done and refuse to change my position even after you give me good reasons." Dilbert says, "Experience is just another word for losing hope."
Share March 21, 2010's comic on:
Henry says, "Try rebooting." Dilbert says, "Who are you?" Henry says, "I'm Henry the security guard. I'm trying to evolve into a new career." Henry says, "I'm ignoring my real job while loudly giving technical advice to coworkers." Henry says, "Eventually, people will start to see me as a valuable technical resource. Promotions will follow." Dilbert says, "Do you know anything about technology besides 'try rebooting'?" The Boss says, "Henry, who let the hobo take a sponge bath in the lobby fountain?" Henry says, "Try rebooting! Try rebooting!" Dilbert says, "To fix a typo?"
Share February 25, 2007's comic on:
The Boss: You'll be in charge of this project. Dilbert: What's my budget?" The Boss: I'll need to approve all expenses. Dilbert: Who will report to me? The Boss: Your team will report to me and I'll tell them what to do. Dilbert: I'll start on the project plan. The Boss: Um... Skip that part. I already have a plan in my head. Dilbert: Hypothetically, who would take the blame if this project failed? Well, you're in charge...
Share September 02, 2007's comic on:
The boss: "Our CEO's son is joining the department as an intern." "I want you to be his mentor." "And by mentor, I mean don't let the little spy learn anything about us." "If he finds out what we do, he'll tell his dad we're doing it wrong." "Here's a list of compliments you can give him." "Tell him his assignment is to go someplace and study cool motorcycles." "If he asks more than three questions, kill him." Intern: "Where's my desk?" Dilbert: "That's one."
Share May 08, 2005's comic on:
Dogbert: "I completed the audit of your new $150 million software system." "I recommend that you scrap the entire thing." "What?!! How could the entire thing be worthless?" "Well, your normal software system would be a clever combination of ones and zeros." "Yours is all ones." "There must be some way to tweak it until it works." "My company can sell you all the zeros you need. But you'll have to arrange them yorself." "Whe you have a few minutes, I have a little assignment for you."
Share May 02, 2004's comic on:
dogcart explains stock investing Dogbert: pay attention. First, employees provide data. Th boss: is your project on schedule? Wally: I didn't know I had a project. A Manager refines the data. The boss: we're on schedule. The CEO gives visibility to analysts. CEO: no problems whatsoever. Accountants publish bad news in footage notes using a combination of nanotechnology and gibberish. Accountant: still too obvious. -Discount brokerage firms tell you that you're smart- Use you own ideas! Investors do their own research Buy it because I did. Thank you unbiased stranger! A secret society of Donald Trump look alike end up with all your money trumps: you're fired. you are!
Share January 19, 2003's comic on:
A business associate asks The Boss, "Can your department do this for us?" The Boss responds, "No problem." The business associate says, "Really? It's outside of your normal scope of work and I know you're over-loaded." The Boss exclaims, "We're a flexible, client-driven organization!" Asok asks Wally, "Wally, how can I avoid projects that are outside of my scope of responsibility?" Wally responds, "Cheerfully accept the assignments and then never work on them." Wally continues, "It bolsters your claims of being overloaded while leaving you free for work that matters." Asok asks, "Work matters?" Wally replies, "Well, not to us." The Boss hands Asok an assignment and says, "I'm not even sure what they want." Asok responds, "I'll start ignoring it immediately."
Share December 15, 2002's comic on:
The Boss calls after Dilbert, "Dilbert, I want you to write a letter to our new customer." Dilbert follows The Boss down the hall. The Boss continues, "I'll tell you what to say, then you'll go write it and I'll sign it." The Boss sits at his desk and continues, "This way I won't waste my valuable executive time." He pauses and then continues, "It's efficient." Dilbert responds, "Yes, that's one possible outcome." He pauses and then continues, "Here's another." Dilbert continues, "You'll keep forgetting to mention important things that should be in the letter." Dilbert continues, "I'll be trapped in an endless loop of writing, tracking you down, getting criticized and starting over." Dilbert continues, "Or you could simply write the letter yourself and save us both a huge hassle." The Boss responds, "In paragraph one, say something like 'Hi.'"