Ill User Comic Strips - Page 15

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View 141 - 150 results for ill user comic strips. Discover the best "Ill User" comics from Dilbert.com.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #team, #teamwork, #collaboration, #excuses, #group project, #business

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Dilbert: Thank you all for coming. I'm hoping we can make a lot of progress in the next hour. Alice; I didn't get any sleep last night, so don't expect much from me. Asok: I'm so hungry I can barely think. Man 1: I might be a bit distracted today because my wife told me she wants to leave me. Wally: I can't stay for the whole meeting. I have another thing in a few minutes Man 2: I'm only here to sabotage your project because I can't abide the success of others. Dilbert; Why don't all of you leave now and I'll make all the decisions myself. Boss: How'd the team meeting go? Dilbert: Better than I expected.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #interview, #hiring, #honesty, #immoral, #ulterior motives

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Dilbert: What would you say are your biggest weaknesses? Man: I like to rifle through my coworkers' desks when they aren't looking. But I don't steal anything unless I know I can frame someone else for the crime. I leave for work an hour late every day and blame traffic. I avoid accomplishing goals so I won't feel like sellout. Sometimes I'll start a trash fire just to get out of a meeting. And I've gotten every one of my bosses fired for things they didn't say or do. Boss: Would he be a good fit? Dilbert: I like what he has to offer.

Disgruntled Carol

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Disgruntled Carol - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #personality test, #personality, #mental illness, #fear, #threat, #danger, #psychology

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Boss: Did you take The Dogbert Personality Type Test? Carol: Yes. I'm a disgruntled psychopath with a blinding hatred for authority. Boss: I'll be in my office. Carol: Good! Stay there!

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #headphones, #borrow, #ears, #reluctant, #smell forever

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Wally: May I borrow your headphones while you're at lunch? Dilbert: would they touch your ears? WALLY: Yes. Dilbert:I reject your request. I don't want cooties on my headphones. Dilbert: Plus, you never return anything you borrow. Wally: Why would you care if my ears touch something you will neve see again? Lets meet halfway. I'll return the headphones, but they will smell of me forever. Dilbert: Then you might as well just keep them! It doesnt feel like he met me halfway.

Bad Analogies

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Bad Analogies - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #ideas, #criticism, #critique, #simile, #language

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Man: Your idea is awful. Dilbert: Can you explain your reasons without using an absurd analogy? Man: It's like a pregnant squirrel eating a sandwich. Dilbert: I'll take that as a no.

Need To Be More Creative

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Need To Be More Creative - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #manager, #managing, #creativity, #company culture, #control, #leadership

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Boss: We need to be more creative. Also, don't do anything except what I tell you to do or else I'll fire you. Dilbert: Thank you for your leadership. Boss: We also need to communicate less.

Wally Pivots

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Wally Pivots - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #work ethic, #laziness, #deception, #projects

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Wally: My project was failing, so I pivoted to a different idea with the same name. Later, I'll change the project name to cover my tracks. Asok: What about your sunk costs? Wally: Gone like footprints in the sands of time.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #my value, #new assignments, #projects, #slow walker, #rivals in management

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The Boss: Wally, Im promoting you to the position of slow walker. Wally: I am almost curious about what that entails. The Boss: I'll be giving you all the assignments that could make my rivals in management successful. All you have to of is low walk those projects until they die from lack of energy. Wally: Its about time you recognized my value. Ive been pre[aring for this moment all of my life. The Boss: Meet me in my office in ten minutes for you new assignments. You're supposed to be here two hours ago. Wally: Is it too soon to ask for a raise?

Money Can't Buy Happiness

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Money Can't Buy Happiness  - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #happiness, #work, #motivation, #meaning, #money, #raise, #wages, #excuses, #psychology

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Dilbert: I want a raise. Boss: Money can't buy happiness. Dilbert: Then why do people work? Boss: To avoid unhappiness. Dilbert: What's my best-case scenario here? Boss: I'll motivate you toward a neutral, zombie-like existence.

Dilbert Won't Kill

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Dilbert Won't Kill - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #morals, #ethics, #self-driving cars, #murder

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Boss: Can you program our self-driving car prototype to drive Ted off a bridge so I don't have to fire him? Dilbert: Just because I have the power to kill a person and leave no evidence whatsoever doesn't meal I'll do it. Boss: He says he won't kill anyone. Alice: Crud! Asok: Shoot! Carol: Dang!