New Job Title Comic Strips - Page 15
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1000 Results for New Job Title
View 141 - 150 results for new job title comic strips. Discover the best "New Job Title" comics from Dilbert.com.
Saturday December 31,
2011
Tags celebrations, new year's day, happy new year, oxytocin drug dealer, magical thinking, space time continuum
Transcript
Woman: Happy New Year! Dilbert: Whoa! Settle down. I don't celebrate the magical thinking that says one random point in the space-time continuum is somehow special. Woman: It's just a hug. You'll enjoy it. Dilbert: You're like some sort of Oxytocin drug dealer.
Monday January 02,
2012
Tags business ethics, lobbying, lobbiest, bribers, holiday, birthdays, lucrative job, tax breaks, company tax breaks, interview
Transcript
Man: Your lobbyist said I could have a lucrative job here someday if I support tax breaks for your company. I have offers from other bribers, so I thought I'd stop by and see how this dump compares. Dilbert: Suddenly I know too much. Man: Fetch me some coffee and I'll make your birthday a holiday.
Wednesday January 04,
2012
Tags suspicion, thinking, new information, project scope, anticipate, think
Transcript
Dilbert: Based on this new information, you'll want to change our project scope. Boss: I don't do that. Dilbert: What? Think? Today I learned it's better if I don't try to guess what people mean.
Sunday February 12,
2012
Tags frustration, tech support, ticket window, evaluated, how helpful, trouble tickets, stubborness, obsticle, financial success, disconnected, new stranger, hating
Transcript
Tech Support: Hello, this is tech support. May I close your ticket now? Dilbert: Um... no. You haven't helped me yet. I just called you. Tech Support: I'm not evaluated on how helpful I am. I'm evaluated on how many trouble tickets I close. Your stubbornness is becoming an obstacle to my financial success. By the way, if our call gets disconnected, I count that as a closed ticket. Dilbert: I'll make it quick. Tech Support: What? What? I can't hear you. Dilbert: Son of a beach ball! On the plus side, my goal of hating one new stranger every day is right on track.
Wednesday March 14,
2012
Tags new product development, stock buy back, stock market, dream, using capitol, money
Transcript
CEO: I'm canceling all of our new product development and using the capital for a stock buy-back. Dilbert: This is a dream come true because I always wanted to be like you. CEO: In what way are you... Dilbert: Yay! I'm worthless!
Wednesday March 28,
2012
Tags raise, married with children, new family, benefit expenses, laser like focus, procreating
Transcript
Wally: Give me a raise or else I'll get married and have children. My new family would increase your benefit expenses and distract me from my laser-like focus on work. Boss: I will gladly pay extra to prevent you from procreating. Wally: Word it any way you like.
Monday April 02,
2012
Tags inventions, new app, ten people created something, population increases, potentail value, enter world, unoriginal ideas, agreeing
Transcript
Dilbert: Every time I have an idea for a new app, I discover that ten people already created something just like it. As the population of the world increases, the potential value of every idea I have approaches zero. Dogbert: So, it's the entire world's fault that you have unoriginal ideas? Dilbert: Why does your agreeing sound like mocking?
Tuesday April 24,
2012
Tags dental work, introducing, kept the thought, naming, new brand, herthlokel
Transcript
CEO: Our new brand will be called "Herthlokel." Tina: Did you come up with that when you were getting dental work? I probably should have kept that thought bottled up inside me.
Sunday May 06,
2012
Tags booth, brochure, exhibitions, exhibitor expenses, expenses, huge crowds, last 11 years, logo sign, new customers, popular booth, spillover, steal chair, trade show, video of incident, youtube
Transcript
Boss: How did we do at the trade show? Dilbert: We had a huge crowd around our booth the entire time. But it was just the spillover from the popular booth next to us. The only person who asked for our brochure used it to kill a spider. Some guy tried to steal our extra chair and then Alice beat him senseless with our logo sign. A video of the incident is already on YouTube. It cost us $200,000 to be an exhibitor and we gained zero new customers. So it was just like the last eleven years. Boss: I feel good about next year!
Sunday May 13,
2012
Tags discussion, ideas, meeting, originality, irrational thinking, optoistic, new prodcuts, faking optomisim, fake buy in, business
Transcript
Dilbert: ... and that's my suggestion for our next product. Alice: How do we know that ten other companies aren't working on the same idea. Dilbert: Well, that's always a possibility. Wally: There are seven billion people on Earth. I'll bet a million of them had this idea. Asok: It's irrational to think that any new product is likely to be a hit. On the other hand, we only get paid if we pretend to be optimistic about new products. Wally: All in favor of faking our optimism, raise your hands. Dilbert: All I could get was a fake buy-in. Boss: That's the only kind there is.