Tell Everything Comic Strips - Page 16
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Dilbert and Wally walk down the hall together. Dilbert says, "Although we are nothing but pond scum in this company . . ." Dilbert continues as they walk into a conference room, "It's nice to know we can still find someone of lower status to torment." Dilbert and Wally sit at a table with a vendor. Dilbert says, "You call these brochures? How can I even consider buying products from a 'ven-duh' such as you?" Wally reaches for the salesperson's ear and says, "Tell me if this hurts."
Alice sits at her desk. The Boss enters and says, "According to this phone bill, you've been making personal calls." The Boss continues, "That's like stealing from the company, Alice." Alice clenches her teeth, holds her fist and thinks, "Must . . . Control . . . Fist . . . Of . . . Death . . ." Alice looks at the telephone bill and says, "I only spent eighty cents to tell my family I was working late." Alice says, "Here's a dollar. The extra twenty cents is for the personal thought that I'm about to have on company time." Alice closes her eyes and imagines the Boss tied up with rope. She pictures handing him a stick of dynamite. Alice says, "And here's my bill for $40,000 in unpaid overtime that the company stole from me." The Boss replies, "That's not stealing; that's being competitive." Alice says, "I think I'll be competitive with a few bushels of office supplies later today."
Dilbert and Liz sit on a park bench. Liz says, "Um . . . When I've shared my feelings with you, I wasn't hoping you'd design an action plan to solve all of my problems." Dilbert asks, "Why else would you tell me all of your problems . . . Unless it's some demented plot to make yourself feel better at my expense?" Back at home, Dilbert tells Dogbert, "You were right. It was all a demented plot." Dogbert says, "I'm trying to gradually lift your veil of ignorance."
Alice stands in front of the Boss's desk and says, "I admit I was skeptical when you said I would be empowered to make my own decisions . . ." Alice continues, "But I give you credit. You've let me work independently for three months . . . What's that look on your face?" Alice says, "Please tell me that it was empowerment I was experiencing." The Boss asks, "Did I ever mention that your project was canceled?"
Dogbert appears on the "Larry King Live" show. Dogbert says into the microphone, "Larry, I'm here to announce my candidacy for Supreme Ruler of the Universe." Larry says, "That's funny! Tell us about your next movie, Sharon." Dogbert replies, "I'm not Sharon Stone. I said that to get on the show." Larry says, "So . . . When I embraced you before the show . . ." Dogbert says, "I think we're both glad I have no visible mouth."
Tina types, "Tom, you delicious hunk of burning love: if you were in my cubicle now I'd . . ." Tina thinks, "It looks as if I'm working. Nobody can tell that I'm sending steamy e-mail to my new boyfriend." Dilbert says to Tina, "Tina, two things: watch out for the 'send to all' address, and thank you very much." Dilbert's tie and his hair stand up straight.
The Boss, Dilbert, Wally and Alice sit at a conference table. The Boss says, "Our senior vice president will be dropping in today." The Boss holds up a chart showing "lies" and "boss level." He says, "Remember to increase your lies accordingly." The Boss holds up a chart showing "details" and "boss level." He says, "And decrease the details you provide." The Boss continues, "If I think you're being too informative, I'll signal by fidgeting." The Boss continues, "Just say everything is fine, but we need more funding. Here he comes." The senior VP stands in the doorway and says, "Sorry I'm late. How is everyone?" Wally replies, "I'm not saying." Dilbert replies, "I'm fine, but I need more funding." Alice replies, "I have a wide variety of super powers." The senior VP thinks, "I feel a sudden, urgent need to unload my stock options." The Boss waves his arms and thinks, "Fidget fidget."
Catbert stands on the Boss's desk and says, "Morale is low because the employees are underpaid." Catbert continues, "You can compensate by having more frequent performance reviews. They love feedback." Catbert clenches his teeth and thinks, "The hardest part is keeping a straight face." The Boss says, "Tell me again why I'd want morale to be high?"
Ratbert sits on top of Dilbert's monitor and says, "I've become one of those people who misinterprets everything you say." Dilbert asks, "Why?" Ratbert says, "Why? Are you saying that nothing should ever change? Maybe you shouldn't be so rigid." Dilbert says, "This could be very annoying." Ratbert replies, "Maybe you should see a therapist for your emotional problem."
Dogbert and Ratbert walk through the house. Dogbert says, "I hear you're becoming an annoying person who misinterprets everything." Ratbert replies, "Yes, I'm more assertive." Dogbert says, "I said annoying, not assertive." Ratbert says, "Apology accepted." They stand at the top of the cellar stairs. Dogbert opens the dryer door and says, "Whatever you do, don't climb in this clothes dryer." Ratbert says, "Yeah, it does look cozy in there."