Under Utilized Mainframe Comic Strips - Page 16
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Dogbert sits on a chair and Dilbert lies on a couch. Dogbert says, "You are in a deep sleep . . . Now, while under hypnosis you can draw the aliens who abducted you." Dogbert whispers, "Hint: they all look exactly like 'E.T.'" No longer hypnotized, Dilbert looks at a drawing and says, "Wow! I drew that??" Dogbert says, "They usually come back for you. Better keep a bag packed."
Dilbert and Dogbert sit under a tree. Dilbert asks, "Do you think it's better to be smart or good-looking, Dogbert?" Dogbert replies, "I've been both for so long, it's hard to be objective." Dilbert says, "It's hypothetical. Suppose you had to pick one." Dogbert replies, "I'd stay as I am: smart, good-looking and talented." Dilbert says, "You can't add stuff. You have to start with nothing and pick either brains or good looks." Dogbert continues, "And witty too . . . Smart, good-looking, talented and witty." Dilbert says, "No, no, no . . . Suppose you had NONE of those qualities. What would you do then?" Dogbert replies, "I'd probably annoy my dog, same as you."
Dogbert sits at a desk under a sign that says, "Detective research on your potential romantic partner." A woman says, "I'm considering dating a man, but I'm worried." Dogbert asks, "What's his name?" The woman answers, "Bill . . . His name is Bill." Dogbert says, "Ahh . . . Bill . . . Yes, I know all about Bill." Dogbert continues, "Bill has a huge ego. All he thinks about is himself." Dogbert continues, "He has no emotional depth and he thinks of your conversations as mere chatter. He wants your body, not your mind." Dogbert continues, "Several times a day, Bill imagines himself with different women." The woman looks upset. The customer says, "Darn. This time I thought I'd found a normal guy." Dogbert says, "I have some really bad news for you."
Dilbert says to Tim, "Gee, Tim, you look awful." Tim replies, "I've been working for five days without any sleep to finish this report." Tim's clothes are disheveled and he has circles under his eyes. Tim continues, "At first I had a mental block. But on the fourth day I was visited by an Incan monkey god who told me what to write." Dilbert replies, "Wow, lucky break." Tim says, "Now I just have to find somebody who can translate his simple but beautiful language."
Dilbert and Dogbert walk outdoors. Dilbert says, "I thought I was happy . . ." Dilbert continues, "Then I thought what if I only THINK I'm happy but I'm not. Maybe I've been hypnotized and don't even know it." Dilbert continues, "Worrying about it made me unhappy, which means I must NOT be under hypnosis, so I'm happy." Dogbert replies, "Maybe I only THINK you're talking but really I'm happy."
Dilbert sits across from a man's desk. The man says, "Thanks for your time, Dilbert. It's always good to get the technical perspective." Dilbert says, "Hey, it's lunchtime. Would you like to join me in the cafeteria?" The man replies, "Ooh . . . No, I couldn't do that." The man explains, "I'm on the management track, so I can't be seen eating lunch with you." The man continues, "If I'm seen with an ordinary employee then people will think I'm ordinary." The man continues, "I'd like to eat with the senior executives, but of course they don't want to be seen with me." The man slides under his desk and says, "So I've perfected a method of slipping quietly away at lunch time." Dilbert turns to the reader and says, "The scary part is that someday that man will be my boss."
Dogbert sits at his desk under a sign that says, "I will listen to your sad story $5.00." A man enters and says, "I have a sad story." Dogbert says, "Sit down." The man continues, "I was a world renowned monkey trainer." The man continues, "I had it all: fame, money, beautiful family." The man continues, "Then I discovered that the monkeys were plotting against me." The man continues, "They embezzled all of my money and kidnapped my wife." The man covers his eyes and says, "Then my wife fell in love with their leader, Bing-Bong." Dogbert laughs. The man asks, "Were you laughing?" Dogbert hands money to the man and says, "Here's my five bucks. Thanks."
Dogbert sits at a desk under a sign that says, "Tax Preparation $5.00." A man enters the office and says, "I need some help . . ." Dogbert says, "Sit down." The man says, "I always fooled around during math classes. Now I can't do my own taxes." Dogbert looks at the form and says, "We can prattle about your inadequacies later." Dogbert says as he fills out the form, "I'll do your taxes and talk at the same time so you really feel dumb." Dogbert continues, "Hmm . . . Simply multiply the standard deviation of the cosine of your depreciation and integrate the resulting polynomial . . . There." Dogbert continues, "According to this, you owe your tax preparer an additional two thousand dollars." A pile of money sits on Dogbert's desk. Dogbert says to the reader, "Confusion - it works for the IRS and it can work for you."
Dilbert and his uncle sit at a table eating dinner. Dilbert says, "Uncle Ned, can we see your hunting trophies after dinner?" Dilbert looks at a mounted bear head and says, "Oooh . . ." Ned says, "I bagged this one at the zoo." Dilbert says, "The zoo? That's illegal." Ned replies, "No wonder everybody got so excited." Ned shows Dilbert some other plaques and says, "These are some doves I killed with the help of my loyal dog, Rusty." They walk past a mounted dog and Ned says, "That's Rusty. We ran out of doves . . ." They look at the heads of a man, woman and cat. Ned says, "These were my neighbors - Florence, Dave and Muffin." Dilbert carries Dogbert under his arm and says, "Hey, look at the time! Got to run!" Ned asks, "Don't you want to see my 'Hall-O'-Postal Employees'?" Dilbert and Dogbert leave the house. Dilbert says, "New rule: Find out their hobbies before you eat their pot roast." Dogbert says, "We should have stayed for the 'Hall-O'-Postal Employees.'"
Dogbert stands in the door under a sign that says, "Dogbert's Jail for the Rich and Famous." A man carrying a briefcase says, "Checking in." Dogbert sits at a desk reading a document and the man sits across from him. Dogbert says, "Your record says you stole three billion dollars from investors." The man laughs. Dogbert continues, "I guess you've learned your lesson." The man looks at his watch and says, "Whoa! Looks like my jail term is almost over!"