Promote District Manager Comic Strips - Page 16
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The Boss says, ?Our CEO asked each manager to describe his group's function on one slide.? The Boss says, ?I don't see how I can fit all of our various functions on one powerpoint slide.? Dilbert says, ?You could say, 'we spend all of our time trying to convince others that we have value.'? The Boss says, ?That's not all we do.? Alice says, ?Sometimes we also argue about what we do.? The Boss says, ?That's just what we're doing right now. Tomorrow we'll be doing something totally useful.? Dilbert says, ?Maybe you could add a footnote to the slide that says, 'we dream of someday being productive.'? Dilbert says, ?Or you could exaggerate our accomplishments to create a misleading sense of our potential.? The Boss says, ?Yes!? The Boss says, ?What have we accomplished lately?? Wally says, ?We got paid for planning to lie to our CEO.?
The Boss says, "I need this room for my meeting." Dilbert says, "Wouldn't it make more sense for you to get a different room since we're already here?" The Boss says, "All of the conference rooms are booked." Dilbert says, "Okay, then I guess we should compare the importance of your meeting versus this one." The Boss says, "That's not how it works." The Boss says, "Conference rooms go to the highest ranked manager." Dilbert says, "It took me months to schedule this meeting!" The Boss says, "Scram." The Boss says, "The goal of this meeting is to figure out why nothing ever gets done around here."
Dilbert says, "My design plan is obviously too complex for a manager to understand." Dilbert says, "So I highlighted a few areas that are intentionally suboptimal." Dilbert says, "Just point to the highlighted items and demand that I fix them." Dilbert says, "That will give you the illusion of usefulness." Dilbert says, "Pretend this is olden times when bosses knew what their employees did for a living." Dilbert says, "To round out the fantasy, wear this hat made from a dead animal." Dilbert says, "Now manage me like it's the 1800's!" Boss says, "Do you have a smaller hat?" Dilbert says, "Imagine that we're out of candles."
"Every company needs goals." GOALS "We have division goals, department goals, district goals, personal goals and affiliate goals." "You will all attend a four-hour training session on how to write goals." "Every week you will report on how you are doing compared to your goals." "Those reports will be entered into a giant database." "Won't the size and complexity of the database make it impossible to know what's really happening?" "Yes. That's why your raises will be based on what you look like." "Bummer for you."
The Boss: "Alice, you have the highest salary in the department. But don't tell anyone what it is." "Dilbert, you have the highest salary in the department. But don't tell anyone what it is." "I can't believe I never thought of that before." Catbert: "Yeah, especially since you're the highest paid manager."
Your management performance has been abysmal. I'm afraid I have to minimize you. "Minimize? Is that like downsize?" "Downsizing is only for non-managers." "Abysmal managers get minimized. Follow me." "Your new office is the size of a refrigerator crisper." "You will have no direct reports and your job title will be 'Director of Unnecessary and Special Projects.'" "Can I ever be maximized?" "Maybe if some other manager jumps off the roof." "You're right - the view up here is spectacular!"
The Boss: "Carol, the new manager hasn't hired an admin. so I said he could share you." Carol: "What?!!" "I'm drowning in work, and you want to double my load???!!!" The boss: "It's no big deal. Just prioritize your work." "And I need you to fax this." Carol: "No can do." "My top priority is getting the new guy all set up." The Boss: "Hmmm... I guess that's fair. I'll send him over." Carol: "I can't order your business cards, I need to do a huge faxing project!" "Hee hee! Marmaduke is sitting on something again!"
"I have a great idea." "I was chatting with the director of marketing and we...." "WHAT?!!" "Never discuss ideas with the director of marketing! Never!" "Erk!" "You work for me! When you talk to others managers it undercuts my authority!" "If I accept ideas from another manager, it's just like he's my boss!" "Amazing! Did you know that your behavior is described on page 27 of the 'Putrid Boss' Book? It's the chapter on killing initiative and bullying!" "That's fascinating. Now let me show you something that isn't in the book." "It looks like someone has been showing initiative." "Please shut up."
Asok: "I heard that you got approval to hire a new Senior Engineer." "As an intern, I have performed all the functions of a Senior Engineer for the past five years. I am now ready for promotion." The Boss: "I plan to hire someone from outside the company." "Must control tiny fists of intern fury." The Boss: "I have the approval to fill the Senior Engineer position but there's a ban on hiring new interns." "So, if I promote you, my empire... oops... I mean my department won't grow." Ask: "Gaaaa! My despair has turned into a searing psychological pain! Ow ow ow!" "That reminds me, I need you to train the new guy."
dogcart explains stock investing Dogbert: pay attention. First, employees provide data. Th boss: is your project on schedule? Wally: I didn't know I had a project. A Manager refines the data. The boss: we're on schedule. The CEO gives visibility to analysts. CEO: no problems whatsoever. Accountants publish bad news in footage notes using a combination of nanotechnology and gibberish. Accountant: still too obvious. -Discount brokerage firms tell you that you're smart- Use you own ideas! Investors do their own research Buy it because I did. Thank you unbiased stranger! A secret society of Donald Trump look alike end up with all your money trumps: you're fired. you are!