Being Team Leader Comic Strips - Page 17
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Dilbert says to the new VP, "We planned a dazzling demo for you, but as you can see we're being visited by the dark angel of demos." From inside the monitor Phil says, "The demo is a sham. Their project is doomed. Cut their funding before your name is associated with it." The Boss and the new VP look shocked. Dilbert thinks, "The worst is over." Phil continues, "Look at some of the pictures the 'boys' store on the file server."
Dilbert and Wally stand in front of Ratbert who is standing on a desk. Dilbert says, "Ratbert, we'd like you to be the Director of Marketing for the company we're starting." Ratbert says, "Okay! What do I do?" Dilbert responds, "Be as annoying and illogical as you can. We'll whack you in the head with balled-up socks to make you shut up." Ratbert lies on the table after being beaten with socks. Dilbert says, "It's definitely better to be an owner than an employee." Wally says, "Let's link his salary to earnings! Hee hee!"
The caption says, "Performance Review." Tina the Tech Writer sits across from the Boss's desk. The Boss says, "Your main accomplishment was the department newsletter which was both uninteresting and unimportant. You get no raise." Tina looks shocked and says, "The newsletter was YOUR idea, and it's boring because most of the articles are contributed by my idiotic co-workers." The Boss says, "You don't seem to understand the value of teamwork." Tina replies, "I understand its value; it just cost me a two-percent raise."
Ratbert sits across from a man's desk. The man says, "Mister Ratbert, I don't think I can hire a rat to be our vice president of marketing. You need experience in the technology industry." Ratbert responds, "I spent a week in a dumpster at Procter and Gamble." The man says, "Close enough! Welcome to the team!" Ratbert says, "I'll bring some cronies with me. They're flies."
Dogbert, who is wearing a wizard's hat, stands on the desk in Alice's cubicle. Dogbert asks, "Have my poems and dances healed your soul yet, Alice? The company cares about your total well being." Alice says, "Excuse me." Alice leans over the cubicle wall and shouts at the Boss, "We want more MONEY, not more dancing dogs!!! M-O-N-E-Y!! The Boss and Dilbert sit at a conference table. The Boss says, "So you're saying those primal screams are healthy? Can you teach me to do it?" Dogbert says, "Here's my invoice - go wild."
Dogbert sits on the bed watching Dilbert tie his tie. Dogbert says, "I'm going to try my paw at being a career counselor." Dogbert continues, "Insecure people will seek my advice and I'll tell them to be more self-reliant." Dilbert says, "That sounds lazy and unhelpful." Dogbert asks, "Would you want career advice from somebody who has to work hard?"
The Boss says to Alice, Wally and Dilbert, "The company announced we're being bought by our long-time rival." Alice, Wally and Dilbert look surprised. The Boss continues, "Don't worry about layoffs. They like engineers. In fact, they already have a division that does what we do!" Alice throws her hands up, Wally yanks at his tie and Dilbert covers his eyes. The Boss continues, "Except they're younger and they aren't paid as much as we are . . ." Alice's hair jumps off her head, Wally's skeleton comes out of his mouth and Dilbert's head spins around.
Dilbert stands with his arms extended and says to the Boss, "I'm paralyzed with fear because of the pending merger." Dilbert continues, "Thanks to your leadership I've gone from being unmotivated to being inert." Dilbert says, "I think I'm advancing to the next phase. Hello, rigor mortis!! Take me, I'm ready!!" The Boss walks away thinking, "It might be time for a morale-boosting potluck lunch."
The Boss sits at his desk and says, "Dilbert, I've decided to downsize you." The Boss continues, "It's nothing personal, just an economic necessity." Dilbert tugs nervously at his necktie. The Boss says, "I calculated how much your salary was dragging down the value of my stock options." The Boss continues, "Without you, I can afford to go to the movies one additional time per year." The Boss continues, "And let's face it: recreation is important when one has a stressful job." Dilbert waves his arms and says sarcastically, "Hey, why don't you downsize Wally instead. You'll save enough in office supplies to buy popcorn too. Sheesh!" The Boss thinks, "Mmm . . ." Wally asks Dilbert, "How'd it go?" Dilbert says, "You know that team-building exercise we did last week? It didn't take."
Alice sits at her desk. The Boss enters and says, "According to this phone bill, you've been making personal calls." The Boss continues, "That's like stealing from the company, Alice." Alice clenches her teeth, holds her fist and thinks, "Must . . . Control . . . Fist . . . Of . . . Death . . ." Alice looks at the telephone bill and says, "I only spent eighty cents to tell my family I was working late." Alice says, "Here's a dollar. The extra twenty cents is for the personal thought that I'm about to have on company time." Alice closes her eyes and imagines the Boss tied up with rope. She pictures handing him a stick of dynamite. Alice says, "And here's my bill for $40,000 in unpaid overtime that the company stole from me." The Boss replies, "That's not stealing; that's being competitive." Alice says, "I think I'll be competitive with a few bushels of office supplies later today."