First Date "Do you feel like doing some conversation?" "Okay. I love talking." "Do you like politics?" "No." "Science and technology?" "Not really." "War?" "No." "Sports?" "No." "Current events?" "No." "What's left?" "I like to talk about my hair." "Um...okay, we can try that." "This brown is a browner brown than I wanted." "Right. Are we done with hair?"
"This is Dogbert's tech support. How may I abuse you?" "I get an error message every time I open an application." "Try giving me all of your personal information and then checking into rehab." "Then I'll have someone steal your identity and move in with your wife." "There's a good chance that the new guy will know how to fix your computer." "When you get out of rehab, talk your wife into taking you back." "Then never touch your computer again because it hurts the ones you love." "How's work?" "Everyone wants to talk to my supervisor."
"I disappoint people, but I'm learning to enjoy it." "The key to happiness is to love who you are, not who others want you to be." "Doesn't that make you a sociopath?" "Yeah. I love that about me."
I hired Nancy because she's had so many personal problems in the past year. "I figure lightning can't strike the same place more than ten or twelve times in a row." "It's not as if she invites problems." "I'm in love with a medical school cadaver!"
Nancy, the employee with serious personal problems
Nancy: "I'm in love with a medical school cadaver."
Alice: "Do you ever think that maybe your personal problems are caused by your own bad decisions?"
Nancy: "How's it my fault that my boyfriend is acting cold?"
Dogbert, career counselor
Dogbert: "Do something you love."
Ted: "I love not working."
Dogbert: "Do you have any loves that are any less loserish?"
Ted: "I love to watch bowling!"
Tina: Your snacks are too loud. crunch crunch crunch "Only inconsiderate jerks eat crunchy food in cubicles." crunch crunch crunch
Wally: "Maybe you should try to make me love you more than I love salt."
Catbert: "According to our employee brain monitor, you have not been thinking about work." "All of your brain activity is in the zones that control love of coffee, digestive functions and...uh-oh." "I'M BLIND!!!"
Wally: "Oh, that one."
CEO: "Alice, your resume is impressive." "Tell me why you want to be promoted to management."
Alice: "Well. Obviously there's the money and prestige." "I'm also attracted by the prospect of doing much less work." "The opportunity to abuse subordinates is a big plus." "And I speak fluent Managerese. Watch this..." "Fuh fuh fuh fuh fuh"
Dilbert: "Did you really want that job?"
Alice: "No, but I love interviewing!"
