Sibs Data Base Comic Strips - Page 17

You can also use "quotes" and & to narrow down results.

229 Results for Sibs Data Base

View 161 - 170 results for sibs data base comic strips. Discover the best "Sibs Data Base" comics from Dilbert.com.

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #pessimism, #people, #experience, #psychic, #esp, #sixth sense, #learning, #misanthrope

View Transcript

Transcript

Coworker: I'll give you the data tomorrow, Asok. Asok: Thanks, Brad! Urk! Suddenly, I know I will not get that data tomorrow. Dilbert: Why are you so freaked out? Asok: I... I... think I can see the future now. Somehow I know that Brad will not do what he says he will do. Dilbert: That's called "experience." It's the first step toward hating all people. Asok: How can I make it stop? Dilbert: I hear good things about death.

Dna Kit Predicts Health Issues

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
Dna Kit Predicts Health Issues - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #technology, #future, #death, #prediction, #health, #reaction, #medical

View Transcript

Transcript

Dilbert: I combined a DNA test kit with big data to predict a person's future health issues. That depressing knowledge caused every member of the test group to make risky lifestyle choices. Now half of them are dead. At the risk of bragging, that's exactly what my model predicted.

Three Problems With Spreadsheet

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
Three Problems With Spreadsheet - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #spreadsheet, #criticism, #semantics, #error, #correction

View Transcript

Transcript

Boss: Did you see any errors on the spreadsheet I put together? Dilbert: Only three. Boss: What are they? Dilbert: Your data, your format, and your formulas.

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #insult, #offense, #engineer, #programmer, #coding, #anger, #technology, #engineering

View Transcript

Transcript

Man: How's the software coming? Alice: Still waiting for you to give me the specs so I can start. Man: I already told you it's a cloud app that does data. Hey, I can't do your job for you. You have to meet me halfway. Aren't you supposed to be "agile?" I mean, how hard is it to rearrange zeroes and ones all day? Should I ask again tomorrow? Alice: Sure, if you're alive.

Government Wants Access To Data

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
Government Wants Access To Data - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #national security, #privacy, #technology, #big business, #terrorism

View Transcript

Transcript

CEO: The government wants us to make software that can unlock the encrypted data of our users. Either we choose privacy or national security. Should we betray our customers or should we enable terrorists? Figure out which one is more profitable and get back to me. Boss: On it.

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #election, #voting, #technology, #fraud, #cheating, #vote, #Politics

View Transcript

Transcript

Boss: We won a contract to write software for voting machines. Dilbert: Who do you want to be president? Boss: Why do you ask? Dilbert: Because I want you to be happy. Boss: You're implying that you plan to fudge the system. Dilbert: I'm not implying anything like that. Obviously, it will be easy to fudge the data, and we are far happier when you're in a good mood. But I would never commit a crime just because it is good for ma and totally undetectable. Boss: Okay, good. Dilbert: So who do you want to win and by how much?

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #expectations, #unrealistic, #project, #group, #laziness, #prediction

View Transcript

Transcript

Boss: When do you expect to finish your project? Dilbert: Never. Boss: That's your plan? Dilbert: No, my plan is to be done in a week. You asked me what I expect. I base my expectations on the quality of people you assigned to my project without asking my opinion. The time-wasters outnumber the productive people on the team by three to one. Under that scenario, plus your total lack of leadership, the world will end before this project does. Boss: Then why is your plan to be done in a week? Dilbert: Because you don't like it when I tell the truth. Boss: Let's compromise on two weeks. Dilbert: Can we set those two weeks on auto-renew?

Wally's Useless Nonsense

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
Wally's Useless Nonsense - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #laziness, #work ethic, #strategy

View Transcript

Transcript

Catbert: There's a rumor that you use a chatbot to reply to email with useless nonsense. Wally: You can't prove that because I've always answered my email with useless nonsense. Catbert: That was disturbingly well-played. Wally: It's all about creating the base case.

God Helps Those Who Help Themselves

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
God Helps Those Who Help Themselves - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #help, #assistance, #sayings, #adage, #divine intervention, #laziness

View Transcript

Transcript

Man: Can you get me that data by Friday? Wally: They say "God helps those who help themselves." Man: So... you won't help? Wally: I'm waiting for you to go first. Man: And then you'll help? Wally: No, the order is you, then God, then me.

Boss Freestyles With Jargon

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
Boss Freestyles With Jargon - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #language, #jargon, #managers, #leadership, #nonsense, #gibberish

View Transcript

Transcript

Boss: I forgot to make an agenda for this meeting, so I'll just freestyle it with jargon. Let's do a deep dive in the big data and drill down until we hyperlocalize some disruptive technologies. That's enough leadership. Now the rest of you need something to do.