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A man says, "In this two day workshop, you will learn to embrace our company's mission and vision." Dilbert, Wally and Alice sit in the audience. The man continues, "At first glance it will appear to be a bunch of useless jargon created by functionally illiterate executives." The man continues, "But after we do some mind-numbing group exercises . . ." The man continues, ". . . You'll forget that you're underpaid and you have no job security." The man turns to an easel and says, "We'll begin by writing down all the things that 'ethical behavior' means to you." Alice says, "I've got a better idea: if you let us leave now, we'll give you high marks on the class evaluation." The man stands at the front of the room thinking. Wally hands the man his evaluation and says, "Good job. You touched me." The man replies, "You wish."
The Boss and Dilbert sit at a conference table. Dilbert says, "I've got an idea. Let's add a battery backup to our product." Dilbert thinks, "One . . . Two . . . Three . . ." The Boss says, "I've got an idea. Why don't we add a battery backup to our product?" Dilbert replies, "Because our product doesn't use electricity."
Wally, Dilbert and Alice stand on the beach wearing swimsuits. The Boss tells them, "The first leg of the 'Iron Man' team-building exercise is a ten-mile swim, I think." The Boss says, "I won't be participating because my teamwork skills are already excellent." The Boss thinks, "Two phrases you don't expect to hear in the same day are 'Iron Man' and 'doggie paddle.'" Someone in the water says, "Hey! No splashing!"
Dilbert thinks as he swims through the water, "Uh-oh . . . I'm a mile from shore and too exhausted to swim back." Dilbert thinks, "My only hope is that an intelligent dolphin will see my plight and rescue me." Dilbert sees a dolphin and thinks, "I'm in luck!" The dolphin says, "Two words: tuna . . . net."
The Boss, Wally and Dilbert sit at a conference table. The Boss says, "We'll be having an ISO 9000 audit soon. They'll check to see if we follow our own documented procedures for everything we do." The Boss continues, "I've divided our preparation tasks into two groups: unethical and unproductive." Wally tells Dilbert, "I'll train our department to lie to the auditor. You can document our inane procedures." Dilbert replies, "No fair. You did unethical last time too!"
Dilbert stands in front of an overhead projector discussing "Strategic Alliance Issues." Dilbert says, "Issue one: Our two companies have very different corporate cultures." A man with a goatee sits at the conference table working on a laptop. A woman with spiked hair sits next to him. The man says, "While you were droning I slammed out some beta code and put it on the Internet for comments." Dilbert says, "My company prefers to have that kind of decision made by uninformed executives. We call it 'empowerment.'" The man replies, "I'll mention that in the press release."
Tags #meets expectations, #review, #two percent raise, #eighty hour week, #three patents, #make millions, #donated bone marrow, #attendece problem, #cheated on money, #alice, #take advantage, #cheap, #scammed
The Boss sits at his desk and says, "Alice, your performance this year is 'meets expectations.' You get a two percent raise." Alice looks shocked and says, "MEETS EXPECTATIONS?! I worked eighty hours every week!" The Boss replies, "Yeah . . . Well, I expected that." Alice yells, "I earned three patents this year! The company will make millions!!" The Boss says, "Really? Wow. I mean . . . I expected that too." Alice clenches her teeth and shouts, "I donated bone marrow to our biggest customer!!! Twice!!!" The Boss replies, "I noted that under 'attendance problem.'" Alice, Dilbert and Wally sit at a table eating lunch. Alice leans on the table and covers her face. Dilbert tells her, "I told you the bone marrow thing would haunt you." Wally says, "I'm starting to think the time I worked through lunch was for nothing."
The Boss says to Alice and Dilbert, "This award goes to Tim for his incredible accomplishment." The Boss hands Tim an award and says, "After two years of stonewalling all progress, Tim finally agreed to do the work for which he was hired." The Boss continues, "We look forward to working with Tim in the coming year." Tim says, "As if I'd have time for that."
Dilbert sits at his desk and Dogbert sits next to him. Dilbert says, "Liz starting dating other men. Two can play at that game." Dilbert continues, "I will use the power of the Internet to find a hot babe. Ah! Here's one." Dogbert says, "She wants your credit card number." Dilbert says, "Ooh! She's inquisitive. I like that."
Catbert sits at his desk and says, "There are two ways to get an extra engineer for your project." Catbert continues, "You can transfer some unqualified loser from within the company . . ." Dilbert asks, "Or?" Catbert says, "Not so fast. I like to savor the moment before I crush your misplaced optimism."