Secret Of Success Comic Strips - Page 17
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Dogbert says to Wally, "The company's woes are YOUR fault, not senior management's!" Dogbert asks, "Do you realize how much YOU could gain personally by making the company a success?" Wally replies, "I would get a nice plaque in a plastic frame." Dogbert says, "Yeah . . . I was hoping you didn't know."
Dogbert sits on his pillow. Ratbert says, "I'm writing a short story for people who don't have much patience." Ratbert reads, "Blah, blah, blah. Whatever, blah, blah, etcetera, etcetera." Ratbert says, "If it's a commercial success, the sequel practically writes itself."
DOGBERT THE CONSULTANT Dogbert and the Boss sit at a conference table. Dogbert says, "You can gauge your success by the number of repeat customers you have." The Boss says, "I'm proud to say that virtually every customer gets another unit within three months of buying the first one!" Dogbert asks, "What if you don't count warranty replacements?" The Boss replies, "Ooh . . . Then we don't look so good."
Dogbert hands a document to the Boss and says, "Here are the results of my ISO 9000 audit of your company." Dogbert continues, "Your employees are largely untrained and - I couldn't help notice - fairly unattractive." Dogbert continues, "However, they are also highly skilled liars, so you passed the audit easily." The Boss raises his arm in the air and shouts, "We succeed where it counts!!!"
Dilbert sits on the couch and Dogbert sits on the armrest. Dogbert says, "Most business plans fail. Obviously, success is not a realistic goal." Dogbert continues, "But the people who manage the most spectacular failures get promoted first because of their experience." Dilbert says, "That is the most cynical thing I've ever heard in my life!" Dogbert replies, "Thanks. I'm blushing."
A woman walking down the sidewalk drops something. Dilbert bends over to pick it up and says, "Excuse me, miss!" The woman turns around and thinks, "Uh oh . . ." Dilbert says, "You dropped this little book titled 'Attractive Women's Secret Guide to Avoiding Dilbert.'" Dilbert says, "Wait a minute! I KNEW there had to be some kind of conspiracy!!" Dilbert opens the book and says, "If I can break this code, it will cripple their entire operation!" The woman shouts into a walkie talkie, "Mayday!!! Mayday!!!" Dilbert points at the woman and says, "Dogbert, sic!!!" Dogbert replies, "Sick? No, but my nose is a bit dry . . ."
Two aliens who look like cows travel toward earth in a spaceship. Dilbert sits at his desk. The doorbell rings. Dogbert says, "I'll get the door." Dogbert opens the door and sees the two aliens. One of the aliens says, "Greetings, earthling. We are an advanced race from the planet Moothron." The alien continues, "We came to share our secrets for ending hunger, poverty and disease." Dogbert asks, "What's in it for me?" The aliens look at each other. The aliens get in their spaceship and fly away. Dogbert sits on the hassock and says, "I'll always wonder if there was a better way to handle that."
The strip is titled, "Women's guide to avoiding Dilbert." The caption says, "Wear stereo headphones, look straight ahead and outrun him." Dilbert chases a jogger asking, "What's your name?" The woman ignores him. The caption says, "Comb your hair over your face to avoid accidental eye contact." Dilbert waves his hands at a woman but her hair covers her eyes. The caption says, "Travel in groups and make it clear you will dissect any man." A woman tells three other women, "I've noticed that all men have B.O. (body odor)." Dilbert thinks, "Uh-oh." The caption says, "Drive to and from secret destinations in fast cars." Dilbert watches a woman drive by in a sports car. He thinks, "I wonder where she lives?" The caption says, "Mention a boyfriend in every sentence." Dilbert says, "Nice weather." The woman replies, "My boyfriend likes weather." The caption says, "Never attend a ladies' night activity." Dilbert stands in a bar with three other men. He thinks, "No women . . . I wonder what tipped them off." The caption says, "Never give out your real phone number." Dilbert looks at a piece of paper and says, "This only has three digits." The woman says, "Everybody knows me there."
Dogbert walks past a man in a trench coat standing on a street corner. The man says, "Psst . . ." The secret agent asks, "Want to buy a nuclear bomb?" Dogbert asks, "How much?" The man replies, "Twenty bucks." Dogbert says, "Deal." Dogbert hands over the money and asks, "Does the government know about this?" The man replies, "I am the government." The man says, "It's the only way we could agree on to reduce the national debt . . . You wouldn't believe how many of these things we have." Dogbert walks down the sidewalk carrying his bomb. Several other people on the street are also carrying bombs. Dogbert thinks, "I'm glad I got mine before some liberal has a hissy fit."
Dilbert looks over the wall into Wally's cubicle and says, "Wally, these peer reviews are like the famous 'prisoner's dilemma.'" Dilbert explains, "If you rat on me but I say good things about you, you get the biggest raise. But if we praise each other we can BOTH get a small raise." Alice looks over the wall and says, "Wally, if you rat him out, I'll let you look at my 'Victoria's Secret' catalog." Dilbert says, "This is exactly why there are no coed prisons."