2018 Comic Strips - Page 18

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Dogbert Will Start Monday Or Tuesday

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Dogbert Will Start Monday Or Tuesday - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags negotiation, irony, appointment, deadline, consultant, training, business

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Narrator: Dogbert The Negotiation Trainer. Boss: We'll see you on Monday for our first lesson. Dogbert: Sure. I'll see you on Monday or Tuesday. Possibly Wednesday. Boss: We paid you to start on Monday. Dogbert: Think how much you'll learn when I don't show up.

Negotiating Expert

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Negotiating Expert - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags consultant, negotiation, training, irony, obliviousness, business

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Boss: I hired a consultant to teach us how to negotiate. Normally, he charges triple the market rate, but I talked him down to double. Wally: Where is he? Boss: He said he's teaching us what happens when there's no performance clause in a contract.

We Need To Talk

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We Need To Talk - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags contradiction, argument, disagreement

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Boss: The software upgrade will be ready by Friday. Dilbert: Actually, that's when we will start writing it. Boss: And it will save us twenty million dollars. Dilbert: Actually, it will cost a million dollars and save nothing. Boss: We need to talk. Dilbert: We do? I'm not feeling that.

Lying To Weasels

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Lying To Weasels - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags sayings, Advice, honesty, truthfulness

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Dilbert: I keep speaking truth to power, but it isn't working for me. Wally: Try lying to weasels. It doesn't look as good on a bumper sticker but it gets the job done. Dilbert: That sounds like a terrible idea. Wally: Then why are you doing it right now?

Wally's Best Play

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Wally's Best Play - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags excuses, laziness, work ethic, deadline

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Wally: There are many, many reasons why my project is late and over budget. Boss: Do any of those reasons not involve your incompetence and sloth? Wally: I think my best play here is to be offended by the question.

How Dare You

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How Dare You - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags offended, offense, accusation, strategy

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Wally: My new defense against every accusation is to be offended by the question. Dilbert: That works? Wally: Depends how hard I sell it. Woman: Why haven't you returned any of my emails? Wally: How dare you!

Feedback From Twitter Guy

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Feedback From Twitter Guy  - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags feedback, criticism, social media, twitter, tweet, troll, technology

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Dilbert: Do you have any feedback on my idea? Man: Yes. You're weak and stupid, and everyone you love will end up in jail. Dilbert: Do you spend a lot of time on Twitter? Man: Is that a lucky guess or are you spying on me?

Deleting Wrong Pages

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Deleting Wrong Pages - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags edit, editing, criticism

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Dilbert: I reviewed your draft and deleted the stuff that was wrong. Boss: These pages are blank. Dilbert: You asked me to be thorough.

Ai For Productivity

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Ai For Productivity - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags meetings, meeting, productivity, obliviousness, business

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Boss: We started using A.I. to identify when employees are unproductive. Device: Ping ping ping ping ping ping. Boss: Looks like this meeting is setting off some alarms.

Ted Cross Trains

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Ted Cross Trains - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags cross-training, fired, firing, unemployment

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Boss: Ted, I need you to train the new hire how to do your job. Ted: Are you firing me? Boss: No, no. Just standard cross-training. Ted: Okay, I was worried for a second there. Boss: And start tidying up your cubicle.