Raise Comic Strips - Page 18

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202 Results for Raise

View 171 - 180 results for raise comic strips. Discover the best "Raise" comics from Dilbert.com.

Dilbert's History Of Lying

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Dilbert's History Of Lying - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags accusation, innocence, guilt, lying, deception

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Boss: I can't give you a raise because of your history of lying about everything. Dilbert: I don't lie. I have a history of being falsely accused. Boss: I'll add that lie to your list. Dilbert: I don't see a path to victory here.

Nailed It

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Nailed It - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags finances, guessing, estimate, catchphrase, clever

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Boss: I can't give you a raise because your financial forecasts were all wrong. Dilbert: Financial forecasts are always wrong. You told me to make one anyway. Boss: In other words, I nailed it and you failed it. Dilbert: Catchy.

Virus Gives Everyone A Raise

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Virus Gives Everyone A Raise  - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags virus, infection, computer, malware, morals, salary, technology, money

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Boss: The Elbonian virus in our network just gave ever employee an ten percent raise. You have to get rid of the virus! Dilbert: If the Elbonian software is giving me a raise, and you're trying to sop it, wouldn't that make you the virus?

Product Is Too Addictive

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Product Is Too Addictive  - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags social media, technology, facebook, twitter, addiction, big business, impulse control

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Dilbert: I'm worried that we designed our product to be too addictive. Now we're more like a disease than a consumer product. Boss: Will you stop talking like that if I give you a raise? Dilbert: It's worth a try.

Money Can't Buy Happiness

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Money Can't Buy Happiness  - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags happiness, work, motivation, meaning, money, raise, wages, excuses, psychology

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Dilbert: I want a raise. Boss: Money can't buy happiness. Dilbert: Then why do people work? Boss: To avoid unhappiness. Dilbert: What's my best-case scenario here? Boss: I'll motivate you toward a neutral, zombie-like existence.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags my value, new assignments, projects, slow walker, rivals in management

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The Boss: Wally, Im promoting you to the position of slow walker. Wally: I am almost curious about what that entails. The Boss: I'll be giving you all the assignments that could make my rivals in management successful. All you have to of is low walk those projects until they die from lack of energy. Wally: Its about time you recognized my value. Ive been pre[aring for this moment all of my life. The Boss: Meet me in my office in ten minutes for you new assignments. You're supposed to be here two hours ago. Wally: Is it too soon to ask for a raise?

Wally Finds Critical Bug

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Wally Finds Critical Bug - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags big business, bug, deception, insider trading, stock, trick

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Wally: I found a critical bug in our software that could make our product worthless in a week. If you give me a huge raise, I won't tell anyone about the problem until you sell all of your company stock. Boss: Deal! Narrator: Two weeks later. Boss: Why haven't I heard about the bug yet? Wally: You didn't ask me if I knew how to fix it.

Compensation Based On Happiness

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Compensation Based On Happiness - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags happiness, company culture, raise, wages, job satisfaction, compensation, psychology, money

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Boss: From now on, your compensation will be a function of your baseline happiness. We don't want to waste money giving raises to employees who won't get any happier no matter what we do. Dilbert: This plan makes me unhappy. Boss: Nice try, but you were already unhappy.

Everyone Else Is Lazy And Useless

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Everyone Else Is Lazy And Useless - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags Dilbert, team, meeting, lazy, useless, propose, marinate, bile, raise, hands, grunt

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Dilbert: Everyone on this team except me is lazy and useless. I propose that I do all of the work for the team. While the rest of you marinate in your own bile. All in

Carol Raises Money For School

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Carol Raises Money For School  - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags family & parenting, guilt, office, office workers, sales, sarcasm, school

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Carol: I'm selling chocolate bars to raise funds for my kid's school. Dilbert: I'm childless, so I already subsidize your kid's education. Carol: I was hoping it would feel too awkward for you to say no. Dilbert: By my calculations, you owe me money.