Shake Hands Comic Strips - Page 18
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499 Results for Shake Hands
View 171 - 180 results for shake hands comic strips. Discover the best "Shake Hands" comics from Dilbert.com.
Friday May 31,
1996
Tags need input, end of day, drop request here, perpeytaul ignorance, touch stuff
Transcript
A man enters Wally's cubicle, hands him a document and says, "Wally, I need your input on this by the end of the day." Wally points to a stack of paper and says, "Please drop your request here, in 'Wally's Pile of Perpetual Ignorance.'" The man asks, "Can't I just give it to you?" Wally replies, "I don't like to touch that stuff with my hands."
Monday June 03,
1996
Tags highly fragmented, optimize heard drive, vague, one gig hard drive, pentium processor
Transcript
Dilbert walks into the office building carrying a laptop computer in a case. A security guard with a huge head says to Dilbert, "Halt and submit to the mind scan of 'Brainitor, the Guardian of Security.'" Brainitor closes his eyes, puts his hands on his head and says, "The bag contains one computer . . . 'Pentium' processor . . . one gig hard drive . . . highly fragmented . . ." Brainitor continues, "Please wait while I optimize your hard disk . . ." Dilbert says, "This is vaguely unsettling."
Thursday June 06,
1996
Tags tormenting the bvendor, bidding economic future, buying decsion, performance measures, vendor challenge, nice t hsirts
Transcript
Wally and Dilbert sit at a conference table with a vendor. Wally says, "You must do our bidding, Vendor. We control your economic future." Dilbert says, "Of course, our buying decision will be based solely on quantifiable performance measurements." Dilbert stands at the end of the table holding a hoop. The salesperson is on his hands and knees on the table. Dilbert says, "Your competitor completed the 'Vendor Challenge Course' in 37 seconds." Wally adds, "And he gave us VERY nice t-shirts."
Sunday June 23,
1996
Tags mentor, automentor, job staidsfaction, massage, accomplishments, new job, resume stain, hopeless ness
Transcript
Dilbert tells Asok, "I won't always be around to be your mentor, Asok." Dilbert hands Asok a diskette and says, "So I've captured all of my career wisdom in this software, which I call the 'Automentor.'" Dilbert sits at his computer and asks, "Automentor, how can I achieve job satisfaction?" The computer replies, "Try giving yourself a massage in your cubicle." Asok asks, "Automentor, how can I make sure my accomplishments get noticed?" A picture of Dilbert is on the screen. The software replies, "That's not a problem at this company; nobody accomplishes anything." Asok asks, "Should I look for a new job?" The software replies, "Too late. They don't call this place the 'resume stain' for nothing." Asok stands behind Dilbert and asks, "How do you handle all the hopelessness?" Dilbert hums and replies, "I give it to the new guy."
Monday June 24,
1996
Tags new objectoves, achievable, objectives approved, measurable
Transcript
Alice hands the Boss a document and says, "Here's a draft of my new objectives. I tried to make them achievable." The Boss reads, "No matter how stupid my co-workers are, I will not punch a hole in anyone's torso, rip out a vital organ and keep it in my cubicle as a warning to others." Outside the Boss's office, Wally says to Dilbert, "I hope she gets those objectives approved." Inside the office, Alice yells, "Yes! It's measurable!"
Tuesday July 16,
1996
Tags various problems, complied problems, requirements, thoughtful broken
Transcript
Dilbert and Liz hold hands. Dilbert says, "In the year that we've dated, Liz, you've often mentioned various problems in your life." Dilbert continues, "I've compiled those problems into a list of requirements and developed a comprehensive set of solutions." Liz reads the list and says angrily, "How thoughtful. I didn't even know I was broken." Dilbert says, "No, no, not broken . . . Just a bit buggy."
Thursday July 18,
1996
Tags recognition program, assign names, levels performance, highest level, precious gem, sparkle
Transcript
The Boss, Dilbert, Wally and Alice sit at a conference table. The Boss says, "Our new 'recognition program' assigns the names of precious gems to your levels of performance." The Boss continues, "The highest level is diamond. You get a new ring at each level." The Boss hands out ring boxes. Wally asks, "Are you sure talc is a precious gem?" Dilbert moves his hand and says, "I think I saw it sparkle."
Wednesday July 31,
1996
Tags association, generous controbution, get elected, prison, cover tracks, wrecks chances, briber of month
Transcript
A man hands a briefcase to Dogbert and says, "I'm from the Association For Products That Are Bad For You. Here's a generous contribution to your campaign." Dogbert opens the briefcase and says, "This is so cool! I'll use your money to get elected, then I'll put your entire industry in prison to cover my tracks!" The man drives his car and thinks, "This probably wrecks my chances of being named Briber of the Month."
Wednesday August 07,
1996
Tags cat likes petting, Catbert, company resources, evil, hr director, pet cat, soft furry belly, ugly incident
Transcript
Catbert says to Tina, "It has come to my attention that you used company resources to send e-mail to your boyfriend." Catbert continues, "I'm willing to overlook this ugly incident in exchange for five minutes of quality petting on my soft, furry belly." Tina pets Catbert's stomach and says, "This seems so wrong." Catbert says, "Try using both hands."
Sunday September 01,
1996
Tags two day workshop, mission, vision, useless jargon, illiterate execustives, mind numbing, job security, ethical behavior, better idea, high marks, class evalutaion
Transcript
A man says, "In this two day workshop, you will learn to embrace our company's mission and vision." Dilbert, Wally and Alice sit in the audience. The man continues, "At first glance it will appear to be a bunch of useless jargon created by functionally illiterate executives." The man continues, "But after we do some mind-numbing group exercises . . ." The man continues, ". . . You'll forget that you're underpaid and you have no job security." The man turns to an easel and says, "We'll begin by writing down all the things that 'ethical behavior' means to you." Alice says, "I've got a better idea: if you let us leave now, we'll give you high marks on the class evaluation." The man stands at the front of the room thinking. Wally hands the man his evaluation and says, "Good job. You touched me." The man replies, "You wish."


