Good Ones Comic Strips - Page 18

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View 171 - 180 results for good ones comic strips. Discover the best "Good Ones" comics from Dilbert.com.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #unpaid overtime, #death, #deny pleasures, #good night kiss, #this thing, #medical

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"You know what two things are very similar?" "Unpaid overtime and death. They both deny me the pleasures of being alive." "How about a good night kiss?" "Hey, you found a third thing!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #board meeting, #outsourcing, #ceo job, #26 million, #elbonian ceo, #good guy, #consulting contract

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Board Meeting "I recommend outsourcing your CEO's job and saving the company $26 million per year." "For $4 per year you can hire an Elbonian CEO who is just as good as this guy." "Now do you understand why you should have renewed my consulting contract?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #evil director, #downsizing, #human way, #marketing ones, #giant dung beetle, #ball, #poor performers

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Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources "The downsizing will be handled in the most humane way I could think of." "I hired a giant dung beetle to roll the poor performers into a ball and out the door." "I can't get the marketing ones to stick. They keep sliding off."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #three week vacation, #leaving tomorrow, #vacation, #twice as good

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I'm back from my three-week vacation. "I didn't know you were gone." "Um...I meant I'm leaving tomorrow for my three-week vacation." "How was your vacation?" "Twice as good as I expected!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #bikini pics, #dismissal, #technically, #magnetic media, #zeros and ones, #auditors, #40 gigs of pics

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Catbert, the Evil H.R. director says to Wally, "Wally, our auditors found 40 gigabits of bikini pictures on your PC." Wally is thinking the same thing. Catbert says to Wally, "That is grounds for dismissal. How do you plead?" Wally thinks to himself, "Innocent. Technically, they didn't find any pictures." Wally says to Catbert, "What they found were zeroes and ones resting harmlessly on magnetic media." Wally continues, "It was the auditors themselves who activated thoe harmless bits to form pictures on the screen." Wally says to Catbert, "I demand that those godless auditors be fired!" Wally also says, "And if it's not too much trouble, I'd like my zeroes and ones back." After Wally's meeting with Catbert, Dilberts asks Wally "Was justice served?" Wally responds, "It's a gray area."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #cold learning, #cruelest, #don't wear a coat, #first lesson, #good liar, #sales support engineer, #seeking advice, #how to lie

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Dilbert: I'm a sales support engineer now. Can you teach me to be a good liar? Dogbert: Sure. Meet me on the porch, and don't wear a coat; the cold will help the learning. The first lesson is always the cruelest."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #close the gap, #good at something, #jump ahead, #strategy and capabilities

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The Boss: We need to find a way to close the gap between our strategy and our capabilities. Wally: Why don't we just pretend we're good at something and call it our strategy.Sorry...Didn't mean to jump ahead.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #good ideas, #suffer your ideas, #good listener

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The Boss: Alice, I have some good ideas about your project." Alice: GAAA! Why me?" Alice: Why must I suffer your ideas? Why, why, why?! The Boss: You're not a good listener. Alice: SHOOT ME! SHOOT ME! SHOOT ME!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #candy, #children, #engineers, #big companies, #good engineering, #skulk around schoolyards, #nerdy loners, #offer candy, #Family

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Boss: The big companies are hiring all of the good engineering students as soon as they graduate. We need to start earlier. I want you to skulk around school yards and try to form relationships with kids who are nerdy loners. Offer them candy. Kids love candy. Dilbert: I don't see how this plan could go wrong.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #work ethic, #leave early, #five minutes, #good not great

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Boss: You did good work this week. I give you permission to leave early today. Dilbert: It's five minutes before my normal quitting time. Boss: Your work was good, not great. Get over yourself.