Reading Zero Comic Strips - Page 18

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242 Results for Reading Zero

View 171 - 180 results for reading zero comic strips. Discover the best "Reading Zero" comics from Dilbert.com.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share November 19, 2004's comic on:


Tags #managing vague directions, #punishing people, #genius

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The Boss: There must be more to managing than giving vague directions and punishing people for not reading my mind. But I like to play within my game. Its a form of genius. Catbert: wake me up when some of this is about me.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share December 10, 2004's comic on:


Tags #indeispoensible, #comapny, #outrageously annoying, #pretty annoying, #crushed ice chomping

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I've decided to become indispensible to the company. "Indispensible employees can get away with outrageously annoying behavior." "You're already pretty annoying." "I've been reading up on crushed ice chomping."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 25, 1999's comic on:


Tags #managing by analogies, #dogbert presents, #distribution problem, #eskimos, #gather ice, #lean summer months, #eat penguins, #hibachi, #ban for life

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Title reads: "Dogbert Presents." Dogbert stands in front a sign, reading "Managing by Analogies." He says, "It's easy!" The Boss and Dilbert at a table. The Boss says, "We'll solve our distribution problem the eskimo way." Dilbert responds, "Huh?" The Boss continues, "The eskimos gather ice all winter long." Then, "Later, during the lean summer months, the eskimos eat the ice they stored." The Boss adds, "We'll do the same thing." Dilbert explains, "But... the eskimos would starve if they only ate ice." The Boss says, "Maybe they eat penguins too. They're delicious." The Boss stands and adds, "Did you know the zoo can ban you for life if they catch you using a hibachi?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share September 26, 1999's comic on:


Tags #final report, #big changes, #too cowardly, #change names, #Advice, #behind back

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Caption: "Dogbert the consultant" Dogbert, Wally, The Boss and Alice are at a meeting. Dogbert presents a report. Dogbert says, "This is my final report." Dogbert says to The Boss, "I'm recommending big, big changes..." The Boss reads the report. Dogbert says, "Because I know you're too cowardly to implement them." Wally says, "So...It will be our fault if nothing improves." Dogbert says, "Exactly." The Boss is excitedly reading. The Boss says, "AAAGH!! We can't do all of this!" The Boss says, "Couldn't we just change the names of all our departments?" Dogbert says, "Those imbeciles! How dare they ignore my advice!" Wally says, "You're supposed to say that to us behind our backs later." Dogbert says, "I'm in a hurry."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share November 28, 1999's comic on:


Tags #Catbert, #evil director, #hr dept., #views of management, #exceeds expectations, #renamed, #drool, #loser, #die die die, #category changes, #performance review

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CATBERT: EVIl Director of Human Resources Catbert is walking through the office carrying a paper thinking, "I love my job." He walks into Wally's cubicle and says, "Hello, hapless employee." He continues, "I've renamed the four levels of employee performance..." "...To accurately reflect the views of management." Catbert reading from his paper, "The category of "exceeds expectations" is renamed to..." "..."At least he or she doesn't drool on himself or herself."..." He continues, "..."Meets expectations will be called "loser". "Does not meet expectations" will now be called "Die! Die! Die!"..." Catbert is walking off thinking, "I could send it out by e-mail but I enjoy seeing the looks on their faces."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share September 16, 2005's comic on:


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I need you to pick up Ted's function. "No problem. I have infinite capacity to do more work as long as you don't mind that my quality approaches zero." "Or are you asking me to do something that's logically impossible?" "I think I hate you."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share December 31, 2012's comic on:


Tags #gadgets, #pizza, #mens room, #ipad, #newspaper, #pizza delivery, #Entertainment

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Alice: Have you seen Wally? Dilbert: He's been in the men's room for two days. He used to leave when he was done reading the paper, but he switched to an iPad and now he doesn't know when he's finished. Alice: He has to come out to eat. Pizza Guy: I have a pizza for the third stall.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 26, 2013's comic on:


Tags #mathematics, #patents, #patent infreingement, #jury duty, #award

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Lawyer: A small company is suing us for patent infringement. We'll be fine unless the court somehow finds twelve citizens who aren't smart enough to get out of jury duty yet are inexplicably able to do math. Juror: We recommend an award of whatever the square root of 22 over zero is.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 21, 2013's comic on:


Tags #engineering experince, #job interview, #no friends, #social influence, #social media score

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The Boss; Your engineering looks great, but your social media score is nearly zero. You have no friends , no followers, and no social influence whatsoever. Man: because I four on my work! The Boss: No, Im pretty sure you're dead.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 12, 2008's comic on:


Tags #servers, #electricity, #virtualize, #trade journal, #software, #over shoulder, #computer, #boss, #worker, #technology, #engineering

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The Boss: Our servers are using too much electricity. We need to virtualize. I did my part by reading about virtualization in a trade journal. Now you do the software part. Why is your part taking so long?"