Success Rate Comic Strips - Page 19
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Boss: Our experiment with robots in management has been a success. Productivity is way up since they started killing the low-performing humans. CEO: But... that's murder. Boss: Only when humans do it. We found a loophole.
Boss: It's not easy being a professional gambler. I lost a million dollars and my wife in one week. But I don't want to be a quitter because I know you see me as a role model. Carol: My role model is your wife. Boss: You like quitters?
Dilbert: are these user specifications complete? Ted: No, I plan to add requirements as you build the app until you have no hope of success and you fantasize about strangling me. Dilbert: Do you know what isn't as refreshing as you'd hope? Dogbert: Honesty?
Dilbert: Thank you all for coming. I'm hoping we can make a lot of progress in the next hour. Alice; I didn't get any sleep last night, so don't expect much from me. Asok: I'm so hungry I can barely think. Man 1: I might be a bit distracted today because my wife told me she wants to leave me. Wally: I can't stay for the whole meeting. I have another thing in a few minutes Man 2: I'm only here to sabotage your project because I can't abide the success of others. Dilbert; Why don't all of you leave now and I'll make all the decisions myself. Boss: How'd the team meeting go? Dilbert: Better than I expected.
Dilbert: My project stalled because all of our meeting rooms have been reserved by managers just in case they need them. My current plan for success is to wait until one of you dies sow e can use your meeting room. Boss: Let's not do project status reports anymore.
Boss: I hired a consultant to teach us how to negotiate. Normally, he charges triple the market rate, but I talked him down to double. Wally: Where is he? Boss: He said he's teaching us what happens when there's no performance clause in a contract.
Asok: Have you ever mentored anyone who went on to be successful? Wally: Depends on your definition of success. Asok: Well, at minimum, they'd need to be alive and gainfully employed. Wally: What's your ruling on comas?
CEO: Profits have increased thirty percent under my leadership. Dilbert: Snort. CEO: What? Dilbert: All you do is pick the best plans from the options we show you. CEO: Exactly, and I pick the best plan every time. Dilbert: That's because we only show you the best plans compared to the worst plans we can think of. We control every decision you make by manipulating your perception of the options. CEO: We need to fix that. Dilbert: How do you fix something that isn't broken?