2018 Comic Strips - Page 19

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No Path To Victory

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No Path To Victory - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags catch-22, laziness, request

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Woman: Do you have a minute? Wally: Can I get back to you? Woman: If I say yes, I will never hear from you. But if I say no, I'll look like a pushy jerk. I don't see a path to victory here. Wally: Have you tried lowering your expectations?

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags argument, arguing, accusation, social media, technology

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Man: Why did you say we don't have a budget for our project? Dilbert: I never said that. Man: Then why did you say the project isn't feasible? Dilbert: I never said anything like that. Man: But you did say you thought it would take ten years to finish? Dilbert: I've never said anything like that. Man: Hahaha! You're in total meltdown mode now. Dilbert: I already forgot what we were talking about. Boss: How was your talk with Dilbert? Man: He's backpedaling after I totally owned him.

Strategy Is To Nimble And Agile

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Strategy Is To Nimble And Agile  - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags nimble, agile, logic, questioning, strategy, language

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Boss: Our strategy is to be nimble and agile. Dilbert: Do other companies have a strategy of being clumsy and slow? Catbert: How'd the new strategy rollout go? Boss: They ruined it with questions.

Dilbert And Monkeys

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Dilbert And Monkeys - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags motivation, work ethic, engagement, monkeys

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Dilbert: I don't feel my job is helping me reach my human potential. Boss: We only pay you because monkeys are hard to train and robots are expensive. Dilbert; Maybe I'll just play with my phone and pretend to work. Boss: That's what got the monkey fired.

Reducing Headcount By Attrition

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Reducing Headcount By Attrition - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags big business, injury, layoff, osha, safety

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CEO: We need to reduce headcount, but we plan to do it by attrition. We're loosening our safety standards and letting nature do the rest. Voice: Gaaa!!! Ouch!!! CEO: You might want to keep your headphones on for a week or so.

Contractor Wants To Be Employee

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Contractor Wants To Be Employee - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags negotiation, contract work, contractor, pay.wages

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Man: I've been a contractor here for over a year. Maybe you should just hire me. Boss: Who are you? I didn't even know I was paying you. Man: Perhaps we can pretend this conversation never happened. Boss: That feels like the best option.

No Plans To Reorganize

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No Plans To Reorganize - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags reorganization, rumor, insult, logic

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Boss: There is absolutely no truth to the rumor that management is thinking about reorganizing the department. But reorganizing would obviously be a smart thing to do. Dilbert: Then why are you not considering it? Boss: This is exactly why no one likes you.

Can't Remember Wally's Project

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Can't Remember Wally's Project - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags language, jargon, obliviousness, bluff, managers

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Boss: I can't remember what project you're working on. Wally: I'm integrating parallel platforms for load balancing across incremental networks. Boss: Keep doing that. I can never tell when I'm having a good day.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags criticism, suggestion, listening, conclusions, misunderstanding

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Dilbert: Maybe you could remove a few slides to make your deck shorter. Man: So you're saying I should give up on trying to be persuasive? Dilbert: No, I"m saying it would be more persuasive if it were shorter. Man: So you're saying that having zero slides would be the most persuasive of all? Dilbert: No. I'm saying you have more slides than you need. Man: So you're saying people don't need accurate information as long as they don't have lots of slides? Dilbert:I'm not saying anything like that! Boss: Did Dilbert have any suggestions? Man: Just crazy ones.

Your Lying Face

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Your Lying Face  - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags meeting, assumption, face, facial expression, business

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Dilbert: Why didn't you invite me to the meeting? Man: I could tell by your face that you didn't want to be invited. Dilbert: But I did want to be invited. Man: Tell that to your lying face.