Boss Must Wait Comic Strips - Page 19
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boss: dogbert, i need you to train asok to fill in for you on tech support. dogbert to asok: the goal of tech support is to convince the caller the problem is on their end. i do this by recommending increasingly difficult things for them to try. eventually they give up, watch and learn. dogbert on call: uh-huh... uh-huh... try rebooting your computer. now try it again while holding control -escape-space bar- delete for exactly 27.3 seconds. no luck? try looking at your computer's binary code to find any zeros and ones that are out of order. click dogbert: and he's gone. asok: genius!
wally with face mask giving presentation: according to our newest data, 100% of the people who upgraded to version 2.0 of our software died the same day. wally to boss: but we don't think it means anything because all of them had underlying health issues. boss: how did they all have underlying health issues? wally: version 1.0 had some rough edges too.
boss's voice coming from monitor: is the data accurate? dilbert at desk looking at boss on video conference: you don't go to war with the data you need. you go to war with the data you have. boss: did you just make it sound noble to use bad data? dilbert: and heroic.
dilbert with face mask: i need a quick decision on this, but i don't have time to compile the relevant facts. boss with face mask: without facts, i would just be guessing. dilbert: it won't affect your career average. boss: why wouldn't it? dilbert: let's change the subject.
boss with face mask: our security team says you have been sending our proprietary data to elbonia. elbonian with face mask: you can't prove that. boss: i monitor all of your internet activities. elbonian: i monitor all of your internet activity, too. boss: then let's forget we had this conversation.
boss wearing face mask: our data security team informs me we have an elbonian spy in our midst. dilbert wearing face mask: maybe it's this elbonian guy you hired. elbonian wearing face mask: whoa, that is super racist. dilbert: is it you? elbonian: yes, but i don't see how that excuses you.
dilbert: your method of calculating the safety statistics is flawed. monkey man: wow. wait until i tell everyone you don't think safety matters. dilbert: i...didn't say that. i'm talking about the way you measured it. monkey man yelling: it's too late to walk it back now! dilbert: i'm not "walking it back." i'm clarifying. monkey man: there's nothing to clarify, you hate safety. dilbert yelling and waving arms: stop putting words in my mouth!! i'm a better authority on what i think than you are!!! boss in hallway: what was all that yelling about? monkey man: dilbert thinks safety doesn't matter.
boss on cell phone: we need to do spring cleaning. delete any data on our servers that make us look like white-collar criminals or drunken baboons. dilbert: all that leaves is our birthday list. boss through phone line: torch that too.
dogbert: i've designed these over-ear headphones for maximum customer annoyance. the charging port is only on one side, so the user has a fifty percent chance of guessing wrong. and the charger only fits if you put it right-side up. to increase the frustration, i made the plug look the same on both sides. best of all, the plug is so poorly designed that half the time it doesn't seem to fit, even when you put it in correctly. i made the headphones black, so you can't easily find the charger hole in low light. ninety percent of users will be cursing us every time they try to recharge. customers won't know any of this until after they purchase. boss: ship it.
boss with face mask: wally, i need you to practice "social distancing" until the virus risk has passed. wally: i already do that. i haven't hugged anyone since the eighties. boss: good job. high-five. wally: back off.