Called Resources Comic Strips - Page 19
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Dilbert works in collections Customer says, "My wife hates me and I live between and archery range and a nest of rabid badgers." Dilbert says, "Is that a reason for not paying your bills?" Customer says, "I'm just saying you called at as bad time."
Catbert: Evil director of human resources Catbert says, "your boss says you refuse to do your job." Dilbert says, "he told me to kill a customer, assume her identity, and place a huge order with the company." Catbert says, "I'll transfer your to the collections department until you're willing to kill."
Dilbert says, "my side business Dilbertfiles.com, is getting lots of attention." Dilbert says, "I have a feeling I will soon be leaving my cubicle behind." Dogbert says, "Yep." Catbert says, "All in favor of firing this idiot for using company resources..."
Dilbert says, "It's slow at work so I created my own internet business called Dilbertfiles.com woman says, "So you're stealing company resources?" Dilbert says, "I call myself a CEO." woman says, "I think I saw someone who isn't a miscreant."
The Boss says, "We don't have enough money to fund your project, but I don't want to downsize you and shrink my empire." The Boss says, "I hired an acting coach to teach you how to hang around the office pretending to be useful." man says, "Are you dead or just non-expressive?" Dilbert says, "It's called a 'job'"
Catbert: Evil director of human resources man says, "My consultants can transform human resources." man says, "We'll start with a diagnostic review." man says, "Then you'll form centers of excellence around areas of expertise." man says, "Next, you'll consolidate shared services and drive continuous improvement." man says, "Business units will translate operational imperatives into HR actions. Catbert says, "Does any of that mean the same as firing idiots and cutting the budget?" man says, "Which answer gets us hired?" Catbert says, "Try yes." Man says, "Yes!" Catbert says, "Great. Put a bow on it and send me the invoice."
Dilbert the scapegoat The Boss says, "I need you for a meeting with my boss." The Boss says, "About five minutes, into the meeting I'm going to start punching you. With any luck, my boss will join in." Dilbert says, "Maybe that shouldn?t be called luck." The Boss says, "Okay...Skill. Whatever."
Dogbert the financial adviser Dogbert: You should invest all of your money is diseased livestock. It would be unwise to invest in one sick cow, but if you aggregate a bunch of them together the risk goes away. It's called math. The boss: Suddenly I feel all savvy.
Catbert: Evil director of human resources Dilbert: Alice beat me up. You have to do something. Catbert: Here's a book on how to deal with difficult coworkers. Dilbert: This isn't quite what... Catbert: Try holding it in front of your face.