Dilbert's Mother Comic Strips - Page 19
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The Boss says to Dilbert, Wally and Alice, "I've decided that our next team-building exercise will be a paintball tournament." Alice, Wally and Dilbert think, "This is not a good thing." The Boss stands outside Dilbert's cubicle holding a paintball gun and wearing goggles. He peers around the doorway and thinks, "It's a deceptively easy sport."
Phil stands behind Dilbert's desk and waves his hand and his spoon. Phil says, "Come to the dark side, Dilbert. Renounce engineering and become a manager." Dilbert says angrily, "NEVER!" Looking over Dilbert's shoulder, Phil says, "Your technical knowledge is getting stale. You're becoming a generalist . . . take the easy path." Phil is holding a set of software boxes. He says to Dilbert, "I brought you a suite of applications that ll work together." Dilbert yells, "THAT'S UNNATURAL!!! BE GONE!!!"
Dogbert sits at Dilbert's desk at home. Dilbert stands in front of the desk holding a cup of coffee and dressed in a bathrobe. Dilbert says, "I have an ethical question about telecommuting, Dogbert." Dilbert continues, "Do I owe my employer eight productive hours, or do I only need to match the two productive hours I would have in the office?" Dilbert and Dogbert sit on the desk chair together. Dogbert answers, "Well, when you factor in how you're saving the planet by not driving, you only owe one hour." Dilbert adds, "And this meeting counts."
The caption, an entry from Dilbert's daily log, reads, "Day three of telecommuting: I spend the morning throwing my pen in the air." Dilbert sits at his desk at home dressed in a bathrobe and looking unshaven. He tosses a pen into the air. The pen falls and hits Dilbert in the head, causing him to lose his balance and fall off the chair. The caption reads, "The afternoon is spent in silent appreciation of how much better this is than being in the office." Dilbert lies on the floor with his feet on the desk chair and thinks, "Ahh."
The Boss holds a syringe. He says to Dilbert, "Drop your trousers and turn around. I need a DNA sample." Dilbert bends over looking angry. As draws Dilbert's blood, the Boss says, "We're scanning for any fatal genetic problems that could hurt productivity." Dilbert sits at his desk. The Boss enters holding the test results and says, "Uh . . . we decided to move your project deadline up a week." Dilbert's hair stands up straight.
The Boss enters Dilbert's cubicle and asks, "Can you explain why you're a week behind schedule?" Dilbert turns to face the Boss and says, "Your poor leadership has drained me of the enthusiasm that is necessary to succeed. But it's not completely YOUR fault." Dilbert continues, "Frankly, your parents have to accept some responsibility for creating you." The Boss asks, "Even if they were drunk?"
Dilbert sits at his desk and turns around as the Boss enters. The Boss says, "We need to finish your program twice as fast, so I'm adding a person to help you." The Boss says as he leaves Dilbert's cubicle, "You might need to train him a little before he's productive." Dilbert waves his arms as he thinks, "Warning! Warning! Dr. Smith." Dilbert sits at his desk with the new co-worker, a small man with big ears and a disheveled shirt collar. Pointing at the monitor, he asks Dilbert, "Tell me again what the big glowing thing is."
The Boss peers into Dilbert's cubicle and asks, "Are you working twice as fast since I doubled your staff?" Dilbert sits at his desk with Barry. He answers, "I've coded twelve modules . . . Barry is on a journey of discovery where he will find out my mouse is not a microphone." Speaking into the mouse, Barry says, "Hello! Anybody!" Back in his office, the Boss sits in front of the computer contemplating his mouse. He says, "That would explain why nobody ever comments on my announcements over the P.A. system."
The Boss and a woman walk by Dilbert's cubicle holding folders. Leaning back in his chair to look out of the cubicle, Dilbert thinks, "Uh-Oh . . . the managers are going to another closed-door meeting." Dilbert thinks, "It must be about pay cuts or layoffs. I'm doomed. I'd better work on my resume NOW." He pulls nervously at his tie, his hair stands on end and beads of sweat fly from his forehead. The Boss sits around a conference table with three other managers. Reading from a document, he says, "Okay, so far our 'leadership vision' says 'we inspire employees to action.' Does anybody have upgrades?" Another man responds, "Nah."
Dogbert stands on a podium addressing a crowd of office workers, including Dilbert, Wally and Alice. Dogbert says, "As new owner of this company I hereby ban all meetings over one hour. The dress code is casual. Status reports are optional!" Dogbert continues, "No more mission statements or 'visions.' Our motto is 'have fun, satisfy customers, make money.'" Dilbert sleeps in his chair. In Dilbert's dream, Dogbert concludes his speech to the employees, "And stock options for all." Outside Dilbert's cubicle, Dogbert says to the Boss, "We can fit five more in this cubicle if we remove the chair."