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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share September 06, 1999's comic on:


Tags #budget system, #under utilized mainframe, #obsoltete, #reality versus management

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The boss says, to Dilbert, "Move our budget system onto the under-utilized mainframe." Dilbert says, "It's under-utilized because it's obsolete." Dilbert thinks, "Reality versus mangement; who shall be the victor?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share October 16, 2003's comic on:


Tags #egos, #europe to denver, #lies, #made up, #management retreat, #middle management, #press release, #top

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Dilbert: I can't imagine you told everyone at the management retreat.... But our marketing department issued press release sago were designing a tunnel linking Europe to Denver. FLASHBACK Man: Im installing a new sprinkler system in my lawn. The boss: Must top.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share June 19, 2008's comic on:


Tags #rumor control, #paid per rumor, #terrorit training campo, #exotic dancer, #weekends

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Dogbert says, "I'm from the Dogbert Rumor Control Service." Dogbert says, "People are saying Ted is an exotic male dancer on weekends. I know it isn't true because he spends all of his free time in a terrorist training camp." Alice says, "Isn't that worse?" Dogbert says, "I get paid per rumor. It's not a perfect system."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 11, 2004's comic on:


Tags #internet security, #hole in inetrnet, #work 24/7, #network management, #buck passer

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Dilbert: "I discovered a hole in our internet security." The Boss: "What?!!" "Good grief, man! How could you put a hole in our internet?" Dilbert: "I didn't PUT it there. I FOUND it... and it's not.." The boss: "It's your job to fix that hole. I want you to work 24-7!" "Actually, that's NOT my job. But I'll inform our network management group." THE BOSS: "PASSING THE BUCK!!! YOU'RE A BUCK PASSER!!!!" DILBERT: "Forget it! There's no hole! It got better!" THE BOSS: "That's more like it." THE BOSS: "I fixed the internet."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 20, 2003's comic on:


Tags #functions to outsorce, #dont do well, #management, #sales, #quality control, #core competenece, #brown table startegy, #business

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Dilbert points to a slide and says, "As requested, I put together a list of functions we should outsource." Dilbert continues, "I limited my list to things we don't do well." The Boss and Wally listen as Dilbert's voice continues, "Marketing, quality control, engineering, finance, human resources, and customer support." Dilbert says, "That leaves us with our core competence..." Dilbert continues, "... Sitting around a brown table." Dilbert says, "And, of course, our ability to speak honestly without fear of retribution." The Boss says, "You will never get another raise as long as I'm alive." Dilbert responds, "Well, that puts a lot of pressure on the brown table strategy."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 27, 2013's comic on:


Tags #business ethics, #coffee & tea, #managers & supervisors, #brain scan, #management potential, #warm brown liquid, #speed evolved, #coffee reservoir, #business

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Catbert: Your brain scan shows tremendous management potential. The part of your brain that would normally control ethics is filled with some sort of warm, brown liquid. It appears that you speed-evolved part of your brain into a coffee reservoir. Wally: People think I don't have a plan.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share September 15, 2013's comic on:


Tags #frustration, #managers & supervisors, #product changes, #change orders, #new features, #online change order system, #old forms, #change order, #managemet, #better plan, #business

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Boss; Don't make any product changes without change orders. When users ask for new features, direct them to the online change order system. Dilbert: That system only has the old forms. Boss: Tell someone to put the new ones on there. Wally: That would require a change order. Dilbert: Maybe we could tell users our sense of hope was killed by something called management. The we could sort of slump over like we're waiting for death's cold embrace. Boss: I'll get back to you if I think of a better plan.

Boss Figures Out A System

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Boss Figures Out A System - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share May 17, 2016's comic on:


Tags #management, #managing, #problems, #work, #workload, #solution, #problem-solving

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Dilbert: I'm bored. Boss: Here's some more work. Alice: I'm overwhelmed with work. Boss: Here's some more work. Boss: Managing was hard until I figured out a system.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 03, 2016's comic on:


Tags #punctuality, #late, #excuses, #traffic, #sleep, #time management, #health

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Tina: Sorry I'm late. Traffic was terrible. Dilbert: Isn't the traffic from your house always terrible at this time of day? Tina: Exactly! That's why I'm late every day. Dilbert: Do you see any way you could fix that? Tina: I can't control the traffic. Dilbert: You could leave earlier. Tina: Then I wouldn't get enough sleep. Dilbert; You could go to bed earlier. Tina: Then I wouldn't have time to watch Netflix until two in the morning. Do you want me to hate my life? Dilbert: I didn't until now.

Management Fast Track

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Management Fast Track - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 17, 2017's comic on:


Tags #talent, #management, #potential, #frustration

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Boss: Dilbert, our CEO asked me to put you on the management fast track. Dilbert: Why does he hate me so much? Boss: He didn't say, but I have a lot of guesses if you want to hear them.